Joke of the Day

[White Knight]

Here's a classic joke from 1990. I don't think Canada's immigration dept has changed much since...

Ditto to what cside17 said. ("Pls note; The above is not intended to offend any one, race or color!")

IMMIGRANT'S VIEW.

I COME FOR VISIT - AM TREATED REGAL.
SO I STAY - WHO CARES, ILLEGAL!
I COME TO B.C. POOR AND BROKE,
GOT ON BUS, SEE MANPOWER FOLK.
KIND MAN TREAT ME REALLY SWELL THERE,
SEND ME DOWN TO SEE THE WELFARE.
WELFARE SAY, "COME HERE NO MORE,
WE SEND THE CASH OUT TO YOUR DOOR."
NORMAN LEVI MAKE YOU WEALTHY,
MEDICAL PLAN WILL KEEP YOU HEALTHY.

SIX MONTHS ON DOLE - GET PLENTY OF MONEY,
THANKS TO WORKING MAN, THE DUMMY.
WRITE TO FRIENDS IN PAKISTAN,
TELL THEM COME AS FAST AS CAN.

THEY ALL COME IN RAGS AND TURBANS,
I BUY BIG HOUSE IN SUBURBANS.
THEY COME WITH ME - WE LIVE TOGETHER,
ONLY ONE BAD THING, THE WEATHER.
FOURTEEN FAMILIES LIVING IN,
NEIGHBOURS PATIENCE WEARING THIN.
FINALLY WHITES MOVE AWAY,
I BUY THEIR HOUSE TOO I SAY.
FIND MORE PAKIS, HOUSE I RENT,
MORE IN GARDEN LIVE IN TENT.

SEND FOR FAMILY - THEY ALL TRASH,
THEY ALL DREW MORE WELFARE CASH.
EVERYTHING IS GOING GOOD,
SOON WE OWN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.
NOW ON QUIET SUMMER NIGHTS,
GO TO TEMPLE, WATCH THE FIGHTS.
WE HAVE HOBBY, IT CALLED BREEDING,
BABY BONUS KEEPS US FEEDING.

TWO YEARS LATER, BIG BANK ROLL,
STILL GO MANPOWER, STILL DRAW DOLE.
KIDS NEED DENTIST? WIFE NEED PILLS?
WE GET FOR FREE WE GET NO BILLS.
WHITE MAN GOOD, HE PAY ALL YEAR,
THEY KEEP THE WELFARE RUNNING HERE.
BLESS ALL WHITE MAN BIG AND SMALL,
FOR PAYING TAX TO KEEP US ALL.

WE THANK B.C., DAMN GOOD PLACE,
TOO DAMN GOOD FOR THE WHITE MAN RACE.
IF THEY NO LIKE COLOURED MAN
PLENTY OF ROOM IN PAKISTAN..........!

 

[LucVanLierde]

heres a joke


LVL - Did you hear what happened in the middle east?

Girth - Ya these two gay guys named Terry got married in Winnipeg .

 

[utah]

What has hit more balls than Tiger woods??

Robin reigners chin

sid

Gary...crass, but I laughed my Regniers off!


Dude on Utah's Account.

 

[Guinness]

Re: Dude on Utah's PC

What were you two queers doing up that late??? I didn't think your children were seriously playing at all hours!!!


Joke of today: Gary Bettman

 

[BlazeArmy]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

 

[BlazeArmy]

A woman is furiously going at it with her husband's best friend when the phone rings. She hops out of bed to answer it. She says, "Hello. OK. Bye." "Who was that?" asks the guy. "Just my husband," she replies. "Oh, crap, I'd better get out of here. Did he say where he was?" "Don't worry," says the woman. "He said he's down at the bar playing a few games of pool with you

 

[BlazeArmy]

A woman is furiously going at it with her husband's best friend when the phone rings. She hops out of bed to answer it. She says, "Hello. OK. Bye." "Who was that?" asks the guy. "Just my husband," she replies. "Oh, crap, I'd better get out of here. Did he say where he was?" "Don't worry," says the woman. "He said he's down at the bar playing a few games of pool with you

 

[cside17]

They did it twice that quick?

 

[BlazeArmy]

I'm not sure what the hell happened there. I hit submit and continued on with my online gambling addiction. I came back during a break and nothing appeared to have happened so i hit submit again. I guess that makes me a joke.

 

[striker14]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,

"'Cause you're ugly"

 

[Socceroos]

This bloke walks up to a young,pretty blond in the local pub. They talk for a while and all is going well for him,so he finally asks her what her name was.
" Well my name is Carmen...I changed it recently to include 2 of my favorite things Cars and Men" Very impressed the guy orders another round of drinks. After finishing the drinks Carmen asks the guy what his name was, to which he replied...Beerfukc!

 

[BlazeArmy]

Marketing 101

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with some friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call saying, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You get up, straighten your tie, walk up and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition

 

[BlazeArmy]

A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you arrive on any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign says: Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes. The second floor sign says: Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder what's further up?"
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be better further up!"
And, again, she goes up. On the fourth floor the sign reads: Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on? So up to the fifth floor she goes.
The sign on that door says: Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day

 

[striker14]

Saw that comin' from a mile away, but still a good one!!

striker14

 

[striker14]

Dear Santa

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fcuking yo yo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the fcuk were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fcuking year to come out with some shite like this under the tree? As if you hadn't fcuked me over enough, you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year...I'll fcuk you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fcuking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fcuking bike. FCUK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COKCSUCKER!!

Sincerely,

Little Johnny

 

[BlazeArmy]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right infront of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have serious considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, AND is armed.
Flip one off? ... I think NOT.

 

[BlazeArmy]

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck!
Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Jeezus Christ, Mister, Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

 

[BlazeArmy]

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!

 

[BlazeArmy]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top tobottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled outof the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

 

[BlazeArmy]

A Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."