more of a "joke of the soccer community" than a "joke of the day", but how 'bout the fraser valley website with no standings or groupings over two weeks into the season.NOW THATS A FCUKIN JOKE!!!
This woman walks into the doctors office and say's, "Doc, I woke up this morning and I had these two bluish green rings on the inside of my thighs...it doesn't hurt, but it's kinda scary." The doctor turns to her and say's, "Well take off your skirt and I'll have a look." So the girl abides and takes off her skirt. The doctor hums and haws for a minute then looks up and says, "You fooling around with a gypsy last night weren't you?" The girl looks at him confused and says, "Yes". The doctor says, "You may want to tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold?"
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went
straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had won the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, "Do you know me?".
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now he thinks back to the ONLY time he's ever been unfaithful, and says "My GOD. Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?".
She said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners!Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!!
A young woman dressed in her new golf shorts and shirt had been taking golf lessons at the country club for a few weeks. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse
to complain and seek help.
Her golf pro saw her coming into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", was her reply.
"Where?", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and simply said, "Then your stance is too wide."
An American goes on a trip to China. While he is there, he is very
promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. He wakes one morning a
week after arriving back in the States to find his "tool" covered with
bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a
doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for
you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and
says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor
answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate
your "tool". The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second
opinion". The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want
but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims
"Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can
do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
Oh, Thanks God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks and save
money. Dick fall off by itself !"
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted,
and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a
firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway!
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider.
Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes
entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and
over and over......
As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter,
sees her and unplugs the horse.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out
so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says "Well", you're obviously taking the wrong
approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the arse and say!,
"WHO'S HORNY" ????!!!
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old bird. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said................................