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Joke of the Day

BlazeArmy

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Dec 13, 2002
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A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives
two possibilities.

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night
in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2
cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.
 

peter

Member
Jul 20, 2001
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BlazeArmy,

I've seen that joke before and a quick search of the TTP archives for "thermodynamics" produced 3 returns, the earliest of which is a post by Regs actually referring to another post from the Auld TTP Forums dated January 2 2001 by...me.

The funnier/sadder thing though, was another redundant posting of the same joke dated 07-16-2004, 08:05 AM by HOS was actually replied to by...you. It's probably true that too much heading of the ball causes long-term memory loss.

You're in need of some new material, son.

It's a good joke though, Peter
 

Captain Shamrock

Well-Known Member
Jul 20, 2001
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A woman walks into an antique shop in
"Fifteen quid for the rat, One hundred for the story," says the owner.

The woman gives the shop owner twelve pounds.
"I'll just take the rat; you can keep the story."

Walking down the street carrying the bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of lanes and sewers, and begun following her down the street.

This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little bit faster. Within a couple of streets, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, all squealing.
She starts to trot down towards the Clyde. Taking a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they are all squealing and coming towards her faster and faster.

Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Clydel and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The woman walks back to the curio shop.

"Aha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story."

"Actually, no," says the woman. "I came back to see if you have a bronze Rangers fan."


COTH
 

Captain Shamrock

Well-Known Member
Jul 20, 2001
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A bloke on his way into work this morning came to a dead halt in traffic and
thinks to himself "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's
moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars
so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?" The
officer replies "It's a Man Utd fan, he's just so depressed about losing
the premiership to Arsenal last season and again to Chelsea this season,
being knocked out of Europe, losing in the FA Cup final, selling out to a
yank and winning naff all after gobbing off all season whilst Liverpool have
won the European Cup, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set
himself on fire.
He says his family hates him and his mates are all laughing at him. I'm
walking around taking a collection for him."
"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".
"Only about a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
 

Billy boy

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Sep 2, 2004
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A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now fcuk off".

BB
 

striker14

Well-Known Member
Jul 29, 2002
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Latest Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
 

Captain Shamrock

Well-Known Member
Jul 20, 2001
16,163
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night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany during the World Cup
>
>
>
> Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight,
> Paddy"
>
>
>
> Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on
> his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says
> and pulls
>
> himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
>
>
>
> He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
> "Shoite,Shoite!"
>
>
>
> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
> the
>
> door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
>
>
>
> He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He
> sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
> better and
>
> takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.
> "Bi'Jesus...I'm fockin' focked," he says.
>
>
>
> He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
> shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and struggles inside. He
> takes a
>
> look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
>
>
>
> He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to
> the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He
> says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
>
>
>
> The next morning, his wife, Bridget, comes into the room carrying a cup
> of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
> night?".
>
>
>
> Paddy says, "I did Bridget. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
>
>
>
> "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
 

Billy boy

New Member
Sep 2, 2004
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Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?"
God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south."
And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth: beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line."
"These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe."
Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"
 

club_i_champ

Well-Known Member
Dec 6, 2001
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A man had two great tickets for the Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in England, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?

The man shakes his head...

"No. They're all at the funeral."
 

Billy boy

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Sep 2, 2004
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:D

Celtic 0 - 5 Artmedia Petrzalka (Who?)

Ok lads, on the count of 3, lets make a mad dash for the changing rooms...
 

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gong show

New Member
Nov 5, 2001
414
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One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy for the first test. She blindfolded him and put a Hershey's kiss in his mouth and asked "do you know what that is??" she asked. "NO" said the little boy. "OK i'll give you a clue.....it's what your daddy wants from your mommy each day before he goes to work" the teacher says. Suddenly a little girl screamed out from the backroom.....

"SPIT IT OUT!!!!" "IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!!"
 

BlazeArmy

Not Bright
Dec 13, 2002
3,049
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A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip
through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 150 in just a few seconds. ]
My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
 

Mr. Rempa

Member
Jul 26, 2004
174
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A New Zealander, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm
and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the New Zealander. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no
more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the NewZealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they
introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
 

senior2509

Member
Sep 19, 2003
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Bigger is Better...

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?"

"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock"
 

Mr. Rempa

Member
Jul 26, 2004
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When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They were:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912




10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937




3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998

and,

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
 

striker14

Well-Known Member
Jul 29, 2002
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The Boyfriend :D


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them
in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it
in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers... our son in-law!"
 

SC

Active Member
Jul 28, 2001
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
Consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that has
Settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

In other drug news today, Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon
be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and
just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction
by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
 

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