Terrorists

[tiner]

gday.

havent been on here for a while (lack of computer access at home)

went to one of the many peace rallys held here over the weekend and am glad i did.

my prime minister seems to be struggling to remove his lips from george's arse.he does not have my support to go into an american - led attempt to control oil in the middle east. nor does he have the wishes of many australians.

our hearts and thanks go to our servicemen and women who have the courage to go without question. our wrath is with our prime minister who does not listen to his people. if this batlle is meant to be about preserving democracy these leaders have a fine way of demonstrating how it works.

 

[Keeper]

Out of patience
by Terry Jones

Sunday January 26, 2003 - The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really ticked off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by
one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need
evidence
of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive
strike
and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be
for Mr
Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.

 

[Fastshow]

not my place......

Sorry to infringe on your birthright to post endless links to other websites, keeper, but please humour me this one........ clever flash site

 

[Sliver]

The Dancing Blair is alot of fun

many hours of entertainment there.

 

[Fastshow]

fcuking cracker..........!

This is the best one yet. Fcuking superb. Have a shufty of this...........

 

[Fastshow]

wouldn't it be nice..........

Bin Bush

 

[Fastshow]

minging French statue......

See no evil.........

 

[Fastshow]

racy.......

Tasteful........

 

[Jinky]

Ron Jeremy is a bad man.

 

[cerebral smallsy]

i always knew hedgehogs were evil.

doesn't that guy wait tables at a pub in osoyoos?

 

[Jinky]

Yes he does but he charges money to take his picture.

With a face like that it's easy to see why.

 

[Regs]

Funny Shite

The Saddam and George show

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam
Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively
reveals what could have happened had they met

Tim Dowling
Tuesday February 25, 2003
The Guardian

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised
debate between George W Bush and Saddam Hussein, live
from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will
begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my
evil friend to the UN, one of the great American
institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout
the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's
debate we may find some common ground between the
Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress
and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do
you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for President Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr Tony Benn clearly and simply, if
I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links
then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but
since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it
follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for Mr Bush. Mr Bush, if
America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would
win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States
of America are on the side of rightliness and
Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of
Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis?
Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq
is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to
destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in
accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed
these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them,
but since we do not have any such weapons, we are
happy to comply, even though these non-existent
weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range
of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have
any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr
President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can
avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to
reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam
must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated
compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully,
in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B,
which will require him to disarm even more fully that. Then
he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other
weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found,
to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally,
there is one more task he must perform, which I am not
at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be
enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer
home with him and work on it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a
word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr
Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the
action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.

Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an
anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the
Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the
break.

 

[Sliver]

Courtesy of Rick Mercer, from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television...

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.

We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you.

 

[Lupoman]

sliver

good find, mate. Fcuking Americans. Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery, but having been forced to sample what passes as beer down there, they don't actually have a proper brewery to have a piss-up in!

lupoman

 

[Fastshow]

more........



Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s

MIDLAND, TX— Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.

U.S. Urges Bin Laden To Form Nation It Can Attack

WASHINGTON, DC— Speaking via closed-circuit television from the Oval Office Monday, President Bush made a direct plea to Osama bin Laden to form a nation the U.S. can attack. "Whether you take over an existing nation like Afghanistan or create a new breakaway republic called, say, Osamastan, the important thing is that you establish an identifiable nation-state with an army, a capital, and clearly defined borders," Bush said. "Maybe you could also sign some quick treaties to definitively establish who your allies are." The president then pledged $600 million to bin Laden for the construction of a state-of-the-art defense headquarters that the U.S. can bomb.

Finger-Quotes Lady Now Doing Hand Parentheses

LINCOLN, NE—Finger-quotes lady Ann Hahn, 41, has added hand parentheses to her hand-punctuation repertoire, sources reported Monday. "I ran into Ann in the breakroom, and she told me Mindy Lewis wasn't at work last Friday because she was sick," coworker Edward Felk said. "Then she cups her hands and adds, 'from drinking too much.' Who does that?" Added Felk: "What's next, thumb commas?"

American People Shrug, Line Up For Fingerprinting

WASHINGTON, DC—Assuming that there must be a good reason for the order, U.S. citizens lined up at elementary schools and community centers across the nation Monday for government-mandated fingerprinting. "I'm not exactly sure what this is all about," said Ft. Smith, AR, resident Meredith Lovell while waiting in line. "But given all the crazy stuff that's going on these days, I'm sure the government has a very good reason." Said Amos Hawkins, a Rockford, IL, delivery driver: "I guess this is another thing they have to do to ensure our freedom."

Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill

Eating-Disorder Slot
VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go.

 

[Fastshow]

satire.....

...........

 

[Lupoman]

Fasty...

well done mate, the dancing Blair was cracker! Reminded me of something out of Monty Python. Brilliant!!

lupoman

are you sure you're not one of the voices in my head? We think you might be the one attempting a coup.

 

[Fastshow]

[]

.........

 

[Fastshow]

{}

Presumably the Excited States is round the other side of her..............

 

[Fastshow]

^


This has just come in from the fit birds in HR:

We've just been notified that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.

Five of the six have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Fukinabaat, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks as though she or he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time...