For those (few) who play outside the Lower Mainland

[Fastshow]

nowt to report....

I'm afraid you're all going to have to wait to find out what the London Hibs did on the weekend as I don't know myself. In between running the London Marathon, raising £800,000 for 'charidee' by having a whip around involving the members of my fanclub, and watching Gianluca 'Genuflector' Festa commit F.A. Cup hari-kari by scoring a cracker against his own team, I'm afraid I didn't have any time to go and supervise the social outcasts and duddering misfits that make up the Hibs of London. I'm sure they would have done extremely well, however, as, without exception, all the other sides in the South London Men's First Division are worse and more boring than the dour Scottish miserablists.

Plus, I live in North London now and the trek down South of the Thames is a pain in the erse. Allow me to re-iterate how I'd much prefer to be lying drunk and prone in a Kamloops ditch while BA and Stu enjoy baiting local bouncers.

Getting nearer still to August.

London-Paris-Amsterdam-Athens-Moscow-Madrid-Rome-Kamloops

 

[Fastshow]

Thank Christ only two games left to report....

From the perfectly coiffured leader of the Boring X1;
Sunday 14th April
Wandsworth Common

Birmingham 0 v London Hibs 1

We are clinging to our championship aspirations by the skin of our teeth.
After a tense 90 minutes of the unprettiest, driest, bumpiest football with
little between the two scrapping sides, Hibs emerged with three points and
a shed load of blisters.

Thanks to a 70th minute goal from substitute Matt Smith, a couple of
outstanding saves from John Leslie and some appalling refereeing decisions
(in our favour... for a change) London Hibs made it 11 wins in a row - and
that means if we can take all 6 points from our two last games the title
could be ours…

 

[Fastshow]

here ya go....

From the fearless Hibs Manager with the flowing ginger locks.....

Sunday 21st April, Norbury Power League. A superb team performance on a brilliantly sunny afternoon in Norbury saw London Hibs edge closer to their third league championship in a row... Two goals from top-scorer, Adam Pomaro and a 30-yard wondergoal from midfield dynamo, Leigh Everett, were amongst the highlights of a passionate team display.


Passionate.



Hibernian 15 12 1 2 57 25 +32 37
Glasgow Rangers 15 12 1 2 60 34 +26 37
Middlesbrough 14 8 2 4 36 27 +9 26
Birmingham City 15 8 1 6 41 34 +7 25
Doncaster Rovers 16 8 0 8 39 34 +5 24
Sheffield Wednesday 15 6 1 8 32 38 -6 19
Rangers C 14 4 2 8 35 39 -4 14
Republic of Ireland Soccer Supporters Club 15 3 2 10 26 52 -26 11
Bristol City 15 0 2 13 17 60 -43 2


Passionate.

 

[Fastshow]

the suffering is over.....

London Hibs 3 Sheffield Wednesday 0

London Hibs win their 3rd championship in a row, from Rangers
by 7 goals - oh beautiful coincidence.

Congratualtions to all involved, particularly Dave Drysdale
in his first season involved as manager.

Way Hey

 

[Captain Shamrock]

Congratulations, Fastshow. I am sure your contributions were monstrous throughout the championship campaign. Make sure you bring your 'A' game to Kamloops because as you know, it is a whole new level up there. Coach Burns(if I am actually allowed to coach) will be expecting big things from you, on and off the field.

 

[Fastshow]

yes.

My contributions were, as you so rightly suspect, monstrous. I saved two sure goals off the line in a mud bath against Doncaster Rovers back in February. Were it not for my brilliant positioning, skill at reading the game, supreme co-ordination and inability to get out of the way of two howitzers, your beloved Rangers would have won the league by at least two points.

So, obviously, I won this title on my own. Beanbag did it without ever even getting his socks dirty too.

Being such fun types and the English equivalent of a Meralomas Premier side, I can only imagine the celebrations of Sunday went until well after 7:30pm.

Speaking of Kamloops, since Jinky seems unwilling to commit to the Kamloops 2002 thread as a result of his new-found preoccupation with fantasy pugilism and wanton disregard for his Dear Jinky commitments, has anyone bothered to enter a side for the famous August competition? Failure to do so would really be a schoolboy error. I've been practising my consumption for the past six months. I categorically refuse for my careful training to go to waist.

 

[Jinky]

I voted in the Kamloops poll didn't I ?

BTW does the demise of the ITV Soccer deal affect your London Hibs team and our ability to follow your adventures on sattelite next season?

 

[Fastshow]

tardiness.........

Jinky, Sorry for the late reply, you must have been going mad waiting for clarification on this burning issue; I don't have a clue and care even less about the London Hibs. As far as being able to follow my adventures on satellite, I didn't know you got those kind of channels. I thought paying for such depravity was the sole domain of the likes of Buckfast and his gimp CDK.

Gaffa, the reason you haven't heard from me regarding the inimitable donkeys at Hibernian of London is because, moving to Islington as I did late last Spring, any chance of them ever seeing me again was scuppered. Traipsing down the Northern Line and then experiencing the delights of the District Line only to be faced with a half hour walk through Putney is not, and never will be, my idea of a good day out. Particularly when I'd get there to be faced with a bunch of no-hopers in hoops. And Sicknote Beaugie. Even he got the hump with them when, for the Cup Final, a few of the previous seasons' heroes flew down from Edinburgh for selection. And lo and behold they were selected. Ahead of us. Classy. And wasn't it a shame when they lost..........

This season I'm playing in the City of London league with my new employers and the level is much better. The rivalry between Barclay's Bank and Nat West is an absolute bloodbath. When trotting out against Deutsche Bank, it only took me whispering the words, 'bear market', into of their halfback's ears to reduce the soft tart to the verge of tears. Get in there.

I'll create a thread one day when the action really starts hotting up and when I know more about the ins and outs of the league and my new firm. I appreciate how keen you are to follow my adventures; they're real 'Boy's Own' stuff. For the moment I'm far more interested in seeing a Peg victory over your shandy-drinking clubmates. Peg really let me down last year in losing to the Meralomas and, after all I've done for Peg over the years, the least they can do for me is to redress the massive imbalance that reversal has left in my life.

 

[Fastshow]

what you've all been waiting for......

Right then. Another season, another job and another league to muck about with and, ultimately, fall out with faster than Dazza when faced for the first time with a vertical bacon sandwich. Tonight sees my debut for Towers Perrin in their second game of the season. As you will no doubt see from the league table below, they have come to me in the hope that I will regain the kind of goalscoring form I displayed in the 1972 Ambleside tournament for the glorious Peg/Olys (back when they were good), having just returned from my second tour of 'Nam.

Even the Captain wouldn't give any odds on that.

Northwest League Division I 2002/2003
Team P W D L F A GD Pts

Trent Park Rovers 2 1 1 0 5 4 1 4
London Mancunians 1 1 0 0 2 1 1 3
Bonzo's Toothless Army 1 0 1 0 3 3 0 1
Towers Perrin 1 0 1 0 0 0 0 1
Spaniards 1 0 1 0 0 0 0 1
Northolt Barons 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Abbey Road Rangers 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Charlie's Rangers 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0
Loaded Lads 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0

www.topcorner.it

 

[peter]

Barclay's?

Fasty,

Are you working/playing for Barclay's in London or was that poetic license in the post of the 10th? I ask because I have a buddy who just moved to London to take a position with them and it might behoove you to get to know him both for his football prowess and his lofty status.

If this is not the case please disregard this post entirely.

Regards, Pierre

 

[Fastshow]

del Pietro....

Sir, When I saw you'd replied, I thought the it was because the league had made a mathematical error in their table. I did trot out against Nat West but at that time I was working for Warner Bros. I received a better offer while there and jumped ship like the ex-Loma I am.

Send me a PM about your mate if he needs to be shown the ropes. I don't know them but I'm sure, together, we can find them.

As indicated in my post, I'm playing for Towers Perrin. Kick-off in an hour and a half. On turf. Bugger.

 

[Fastshow]

consider me behooven.........

Towers Perrin 2 Abbey Road Rangers 0.

My début for Towers Perrin will have to wait until next Monday night as I spent the entire match sat in traffic on the M25. This unforeseen development stemmed from the fact that over-zealous workmen had taken it upon themselves to shut down an overpass at 7:00 instead of 9:00, as advertised. Once closed, said workmen chose to sit back and admire their handywork for two hours. If I would have been even more irate were it not for the undeniable fact that I would be inclined to abuse all my power in much the same way were I sad and pathetic enough to have to work in the road maintenance industry. Bless 'em. I did manage to listen to the Scotland-Canada heavyweight tilt on Five Live, however. Great.

Arrived at the 'ground' with five minutes left in the second half. Super. The ground itself has no business calling itself a ground and makes that pitch near BC Place whose name eludes me look like Wembley. As far as turf goes, it was more threadbare than Dazza's head. The place is a fcuking deathtrap and I'm reliably informed, '...by far the best ground we play on.' I may have to re-think my position on this league. Apparently the only ground in Central London with field turf is the one the Arse train on and is closed to the public. All around stopped to gasp in admiration when I regaled them with tales of the facilities back home. It would be funny, perhaps, if it were not so very true.

In the words of early twenty-first century philosopher Bono, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I can't find a decent football side either. I may try and hook up with the Northolt Barons. I think, even with my appalling fitness, I could handle their impressive start to the season.

Towers Perrin have nice kit, though. Can't go wrong with dark blue. As Pope Pious the IV always said......

Northwest League Division I 2002/2003

Team P W D L F A GD Pts
London Mancunians 2 2 0 0 3 1 2 6
Towers Perrin 2 1 1 0 2 0 2 4
Trent Park Rovers 2 1 1 0 5 4 1 4
Loaded Lads 2 1 0 1 4 2 2 3
Spaniards 1 0 1 0 0 0 0 1
Bonzo's Toothless Army 2 0 1 1 3 4 -1 1
Northolt Barons 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Charlie's Rangers 2 0 0 2 1 4 -3 0
Abbey Road Rangers 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 0

 

[Fastshow]

Match report........

The following was written by one of the conquering Towers Perrin heroes after their famous turf victory on Tuesday night. It hasn't escaped my attention that Towers Perrin is one 'T' away from representing this website. In more ways than one, I'm afraid.......

MATCH REPORT: CHARLIES RANGERS 0 - 2 TOWERS PERRIN

I have seen the future of football, and it is blue. Total football has arrived in Brent Cross and, as I gazed down on the destruction of Charlies Rangers by a sea of TP blue, I never wanted that hour to end.

After 5 minutes with only 9 players, TP settled down into a fluid 4-4-2 formation, and with John P and Yorkie totally dominant in central midfield , TP started to surge forward. Early breaks down the wing from Gav and Andy pinned back the Charlies Rangers fullbacks allowing Barry ' shoot on sight' Stevenson and vocal captain John R to set up camp around the half way line, all built on the foundations of a confidence inspiring defensive partnership in Eoin and Luke, two outings and two clean sheets tells its own story. Only the intervention of Zeus himself kept out the waves of TP attacks until half-time, with Barry and MOTM Johnny both crashing shots into the bar and their keeper saving them on numerous occasions.

Half-time bought little respite for the embattled Charlies defence, with TPs crisp one touch passing and mazy runs cutting resistance to ribbons and the commitment shown in the tackling could only be compared with Nancy's to that ageing playboy Sven. With Petros, Johnny, Andy and Gav all terrorising a shellshocked defence, it was only a matter of time until the backline was breached. When the breakthrough came, it was a rapier of a freekick from Yorkie, rejuvenated in a central midfield role, after Johnny had been cynically scythed down just outside the box. A second seemed inevitable, though a couple of smart interventions from Chris 'the cat' Terry were required to ensure an undeserved equaliser was not forthcoming. Charlies Rangers keeper thwarted chance after chance but finally Johnny broke free with 'lightning pace' and stroked the ball past the advancing keeper with almost the last kick of the game.

When later pushed on the on the absence of three squad members, the captain kept his cards close to his slightly flabby chest, but a source close to him said 'the genius (sic.) that is John Roe accepts that travelling delays when returning from international duty are an unavoidable part of the modern game, but one of his players was AWOL tonight, not only letting the team down, but also depriving another squad member of the chance to shine, and it will not have gone unnoticed.'

John prefered to enthuse about TPs new signings, ' Luke and John P have been fantastic for us, slipping into the team more easily than Gareth Gates into Jordan, and we can only hope to make John's signing permanent, but unfortunately there are elements outside football that need to be dealt with before a contract could be offered'.

And so as I made my way home, I reflected on a breathtaking display of passion, pace and passing, and for that magical hour TPs own Samba Boys cast a spell over the pitch and conjoured up a spectacle that even the Brazilian team of 1970 would have been proud to have witnessed.

 

[Reccos]

To the Delinquent Fastshow

How is that 9 players arrived at Charles Rangers' field in time for kick off and by the 5 minute mark of the first half, 11 were available to round out a robust, attacking 4-4-2?

SlowShow, no doubt TPers will be transferring you to Northolt Barons for a copy of the Andersen Accountants Handbook with an attendance record like yours. Blaming it on the highly capable unionized workers of Great Britain is a piss poor excuse to arrive 5 minutes from the end of the game.

 

[Fastshow]

?

Reccos, I see you edited your post. Next time, please leave the funny bits in. I don't know how the 4-4-2 formation came about, as previously stated, I wasn't fcuking there but idling on the M25 next to Ikea for an hour and a half. Fcuking Swedes are the downfall of football in this country.

Thanks for your reply, though, Scargill.

 

[Fastshow]

match report..........

I didn't write this..........

MATCH REPORT: TRENT PARK 1-2 TOWERS PERRIN

The stage was set, the crowd was poised and the worldwide TV audience waited expectantly for a war. Following 3 bad tempered matches full of fouling the previous season, everybody felt another physical but sloppy encounter was in prospect (a bit like a trip to a brothel at 3 o'clock in the morning), but TP rose above the massive hype to snatch a well deserved victory against the old enemy with a last minute strike.

The tension at kick off was unbearable, with Ian A restored to the starting lineup following absence for international duty, Ciaran 'safer hands than Seaman' in goal and an otherwise unchanged TP team. As the crowd chanted 'the Perm's a Ponce' and ' There's only one Johnny Roe' ( a favourite with the knowledgable followers of the team) the whistle blew.

TPs defensive line was again impressive, holding an impenetrable line with Luke and Ian's pace keeping the Trent Park attackers at arms length, and after absorbing Psycho and Co's early pressure they were first to strike. After clever interplay up front, Yorkie was through and slid the ball past the keeper following a good run from midfield. Unfortunatly the lead was shortlived, TP conceding their first goal of the season to a 30 yd screamer from Psycho (who was unbelievably later given MOTM!?!). It was just about Trent Park's only shot all night and left the defence with no chance. TP had further chances prior to half time, with great chasing from Johnny almost leading to a goal and John P narrowly missing a good chance. A lot of the play came down the right flank, with Barry getting forward to support Andy, who had the pace to beat his fullback. Only the Trent Park keeper in a rather peculiar pair of Edgar Davids stylee glasses kept them in the game ( his heroics sometimes left people wondering if he had the same sad and dangerous interest in steroids as Mr Davids, shame on you Edgar for the dishonour you have bought on the beautiful game...)

Half time saw a couple of changes, with Yorkie taking over in nets, Gerry joining midfield and Ciaran moving out onto the wing. Following an untidy first 10 minutes the game settled down, with the Gav and Ciaran making good use of width and the central players picking them out. Gav pulled a long range effort narrowly wide, Petros hit a post and Luke had a header cleared off the line from a corner. As the half wore on Trent Park's frustration rose to the surface, with Psycho starting to slide in from behind at every opportunity (rather like Michael Barrymore...), winding up Gerry in the process. Bad Perm was unable to get into the game at all, easily marshalled by Barry as his huge hair, chubby little legs and oversized belly reduced him to a spectator. Time was running out, but forunatly Johnny had been cunningly keeping one last sprint until the end ( gasping and wheezing in the meantime as part of the act), and like gazelle ran onto a through ball to beat the keeper and win the game. The crowd cheered, and broke into a chorus of 'Are you Bonzo's in disguise???' followedc by 'F*** off back to Trent Park' for good measure.

TP deserved the win against decent opposition, and rose like the cream of the crop to the top of the league. If the commitment to tackling and the fluidity of passing continue then the sky is the limit for this cheeky bunch of rascals, c'mon you blues!!!!

Astro turf is for cnuts.

 

[Fastshow]

shocker..........

For all you avid followers of this thread here's some hot-off-the-press goss. You both might remember my time spent fannying about with the London Hibs last winter. I believe I wore their hideous colours four times in all as I guided them to the league title. Anyway, for those four matches the fella between the sticks was a 6"5 wankbox called John Leslie who found fame presenting the kerb-crawler's UK children's programme, 'Blue Peter' in the late 1980's, early 1990's. Great. He also used to be engaged to Catherine Zeta jones. In more recent times he has squirreled his way into presenting morning television, the traditional domain of randy housewives and idle students. His position as an 'esteemed' media figure has provided him with a shitload of dineros and access to all the member's only clubs in Central London. Inspiring.

Ulrika 'fcuk me harder Sven' Jonsson has just released her memoirs and serialised them in the Daily Mail. I have yet to meet anyone who is the slightest bit interested in who she's shagged but there it is..... In her book she drones on about being date raped by a man in the media back in the 1980's. Speculation has been rife with those with no lives of their own to who the media figure is. Wouldn't you know but yesterday on a morning programme on one of the other sides, the host 'accidentally' slipped in the name John Leslie. Cynical. Since then, two other women have come forward but, instead of going to the rozzers, they've gone PR guru Max Clifford. Witch hunt.

As a keeper, he makes a great sexual predator.

 

[max blink]

london hibs exclusive

another footballer, who'd of thought it?

and is that all it takes to get an agent these days?

max
lookingforwardtothelocalderbywithPutney

 

[Fastshow]

piece of piss........

Being forcefully shagged must be all it takes to get an agent. Buckfast has a queue of agents sitting in mini-vans with tinted windows outside his flat most of the time.

Aston Villa are set to unveil new £5 million striker, John Leslie.
Graham Taylor is set to play Leslie alongside Marcus Allback in order to end Villa's unenviable goal scoring drought.
Taylor said, "If you put the new lad alongside a Swede, he'll be very forceful in the box".

 

[Fastshow]

obsessed with 'celebrity'........

The latest match report from the latest win. I didn't write this, CDK, so homosexualise at your discretion.......

MATCH REPORT: BONZO'S TOOTHLESS ARMY 1 - 2 TOWERS PERRIN

Another week, another win, the TP Blue Army continues to ride on the crest of a wave of optimism and head back to the top of the table. This was not a vintage performance, but they say the sign of a championship winning side is one that wins even when they're not on top of their game, and win they did.

A return from injury saw Rich Goulding's first outing of the season, just two days after a house fire from which he was lucky to escape. Sattar Jackaria returned to the fold and Dave Wright, signed from West Ham United, made his long awaited debut up front. Gerard Ward will sadly be sidelined for a month or so following an operation and yesterday said 'I am going to come back stronger, twice as fit, beer is no longer going to be a part of my life'.

On a cold, clear night of top European action it was no surprise to see firecrackers on the pitch before the start, the packed stadium unable to contain its excitement. The noise level built slowly reaching its zenith as TP took the field, with ' There's only one Johnny Roe' resonating around the colleseum that is Willesden Green, where 22 footballing legends would do battle.

Bonzo's were more competitive than in recent encounters, and made the brighter start without ever really threatening, with Eoin and Luke blunting their attacks to leave Rob untroubled in goal and only the referee can explain why neither of these two have picked up a MOTM award yet. TP looked dangerous on the break, with Dave and Johnny twisting and turning like the King reincarnated (bless you Elvis for the moves and tunes you gave us and for helping the quiff reach the worldwide audience it deserves.)

Despite the referee failing to make a single correct decision all night ( he even had to toss a coin to decide who'd be MOTM) TP kept their cool and were rewarded with a goal after about a quarter of an hour. Dave broke free, raced in on goal and easily beat the outcoming keeper with a cool finish for his first goal for the TP blue army.

John P and versatile MOTM Ian Philips started to dominate midfield, with Petros and Andy tearing down the wings like greyhounds with jet packs. A second goal came as little surprise, and with the keeper stranded Ian lobbed in from 25 metres to open up a two goal lead (though sadly his knackered eyesight meant he missed the moment of beauty). TP's grip on proceedings tightened, with Luke and Barry able to get forward more and more and nearly of the action taking place in Bonzos half. However, the half time whistle arrived before any further breakthroughs and Bonzo's could draw breath.

The second half saw Sattar and Rich introduced, slotting in at left back and right wing respectively. Unfortunately the break seemed to affect TP's play and the game became scrappier. Bonzo's confidence started to build and they became more threatening, with important tackles and last ditch tackles flying in all across the back line, with Ian A. particularly outstanding. Chances to break did come but too often the long balls were intercepted by Bonzo's rearguard. A goal was probably no more than Bonzo's deserved and as they threw everyone forward ( including Schmeichelesque runs from their keeper...) a goal came. After that the last few minutes were more tense than a lady alone with John Leslie (shame on you Leslie, for sullying This Morning and Wheel of Fortune, never again will your cheeky smile and screen charm fool your betrayed public). However, resolute defending and hard running saw TP home and even had a Petros drive cleared of the line close to the end.

Maybe in the second half they missed their captain strolling around the pitch with his awesome presence. As he wanders around the pitch looking lost its easy to mistakenly think his contributions are few and far between but as a source close to him said ' I believe John uses Jedi mind tricks to help in ways we can't possibly begin to understand'. This claim has not yet been verified but John was seen afterwards talking with a shrivelled little green man who was heard croaking ' Help you I will, but your training finish you must, otherwise you cannot save your friends, now back to the Daego Ba system take me you will'

Much like Vanessa Feltz the game wasn't graceful or pretty, but the blue army triumphed on this occasion. However like the blonde bombshell, TP will eventually be found out if they continue with below par performances. This spectator for one hopes that the fluidity of previous weeks can be recaptured, with short crisp passing slicing through their opponents. God willing and with the continued dedication of a highly talented squad it shouldn't be beyond them.