For those (few) who play outside the Lower Mainland

[Fastshow]

result...

I didn't play on the weekend due to other commitments so here's the synopsis from the London Hibs management....

BIG congratulations to all of you for getting the right result yesterday...

8-0 to the London Hibs v Bristol City

And it could have been so much more... Eddie had a wonder goal disallowed, there were half a dozen clearances off the line and the ref only played 70 minutes cos he's a lazy bastard.


We were afraid of Bristol City last week as, despite their appalling record this season, they had recently added the following players; Keith Curle, Liam Rosenior (son of Leroy) and John Bailey (ex-Everton). They still made no difference. The Double is stil on!

 

[JAGS]

London Hibs Starting Lineup

Fasty,

Having just completed our tour of the UK, I noticed that none of the London Hibs games were on ITV or BBC. Why? Are you and Beanbag hiding from someone?

Why was it that when we went to the match on Saturday between Hibs v. Hearts in Edinburgh, they had a disclaimer in the hospitality suite that Hibernian FC has no ties to London Hibs, nor do they want any. When we received word we were going to this match, I was expecting you to be a starter and was quite looking forward to one of your Bruce Lee like Ninja tackles. In fact, we saw a lot of similar style tackles in all our games. I guess you must have this on your CV before you are able to play in the SFA.

Dickens_Cider was wondering if your starting eleven includes such current stars as Will Young from Pop Idol and the boys from Westlife.

Thanks for meeting us in Manchester for the United v. Bayern game. Were you one of those German twats cheering for a footballer born in Calgary, Alberta?

Also, could you please send me over a case of Tenents Velvet. I took quite the liking to it while on the trip. Please include your Uni from last year and the shorts you also stole. Once received, I will send you a coveted Peg/Oly hat and jacket.

JR

 

[Fastshow]

clarification....

JAGS, First of all, 9-1. And don't tell me it had owt to do with you and your ageing band of kerb-crawlers being out of the VMSL and in the UK. If you'd been there it would have been worse.

Have you ever seen anything big enough that would hide Beanbag's substantial frame? He makes Jinky look positively svelt and girlish.

Our starting eleven does not, indeed, include Will Young as, in an unprecentedly poor career move, he just came out in the News of the World. 'I'm Gay' he screamed from the headlines. This is not to say that the London Hibs are homophobic. It's just that we don't want any fcuking poofs on our side. Interestingly enough (or not), our keeper used to be engaged to Catherine Zeta Jones, used to present Blue Peter, and can now be seen on GMTV's 'Good Morning' programme. Celebrity.

I tried to meet you in Manchester but you didn't show up at Voda. Gutted.

I bought those shorts last year, joyboy, and my #16 jersey, both home and away, will be in Luch's much-celebrated tupperware carrying case. You send me the Peg gear and we'll talk about your Tennent's Velvet. It's too late for you now but while you were over did you have the occasion to try peach Archer's? That stuff is like a Belini in a glass.

I hear it's what Will Young was drinking when the News of the World asked him whether he liked women or young boys.



Pop Idol Fastshow.

 

[Fastshow]

table...

League table going into Sunday's game against Glasgow Rangers;

TEAM P W D L F A GD Pts
G Rangers 13 11 1 1 54 28 +26 34
London Hibs 11 8 1 2 45 20 +25 25
Doncaster R 16 8 0 8 39 34 + 5 24
Middlesbrough 11 7 2 2 29 17 +12 23
Birmingham City 13 7 1 5 40 33 + 7 22
Sheffield Weds 14 6 1 7 32 36 - 4 19
Rangers C 13 4 2 7 34 37 - 3 14
RISSC 13 2 2 9 22 49 -27 8
Bristol City 14 0 2 12 15 56 -41 2

Word has it that the 'Gers bring out a whack of fans and that the sectarian abuse gets quite impressive. I'll be interested to see how they pigeon-hole a Protestant 'Boro supporter from Lion's Gate Hospital.

 

[Captain Shamrock]

Isn't that hospital around Lonsdale?


As for your big game, beat those bastards. I am sure they are all evil people and don't deserve to be on the same pitch as the London Hibs. Bastards.


So, is the level of the league similar to Div 2 Metro? Div 1? There seem to be a lot of shellackings(sp? too lazy to check).


The Captain of Lonsdale

 

[Fastshow]

....

The level of aptitude is quite odd at times. There is a real mix of ex-pros and absolute donkeys who can barely kick a ball. Obviously I'm pleased about the existence of donkeys as it's the only way I can get a game. Obviously.

The league table is misleading as both 'boro and ourselves have many games in hand and they have some useful players who could take points off the Rangers. The double is still within our reach and we play Aberdeen in the Final who have won every match in Division 2 this season on their way to promotion for next and a Cup Final against us.

Lion's Gate is just off Lonsdale. Turn left at St. Paul's Cathedral.

 

[Jinky]

I'll be interested to see how they pigeon-hole a Protestant 'Boro supporter from Lion's Gate Hospital.

Let me help you with that. They are a limited bunch. So much so that if the Reverend Ian Paisley himself dropped you off at the game, gave you hot cocoa at half time and said "Pip Pip and play up son!" to encourage you, they would still call you a dirty fenian bastard.

 

[Fastshow]

..

My 96 year old Gran decided to kick up a fuss on the weekend so I was unable to attend the celebration of Scottish bigotry in sunny South London but sources inform me that the result you've all been waiting for was; London Hibs 3 Glasgow Rangers 2. That's one of our games in hand out of the way and a huge win.

In the words of Robert 'ex-Meraloma' Beaugie, a Rangers supporter himself who now plays up front for London Hibs, '...what a bunch of bigotted, inbred cnuts.'

I'll have to ask him what he thought of the Rangers lads.

Please update your tables accordingly. The double is still on.

 

[Fastshow]

latest table...

DIVISION 1 LEAGUE TABLE (26.03.02)
> >
> > TEAM P W D L F A GD Pts
> > G Rangers 14 11 2 1 56 31 +25 34
> > London Hibs 12 9 1 2 48 22 +26 28
> > Doncaster R 16 8 0 8 39 34 + 5 24
> > Middlesbrough 11 7 2 2 29 17 +12 23
> > Birmingham City 13 7 1 5 40 33 + 7 22
> > Sheffield Weds 14 6 1 7 32 36 - 4 19
> > Rangers C 13 4 2 7 34 37 - 3 14
> > RISSC 13 2 2 9 22 49 -27 8
> > Bristol City 14 0 2 12 15 56 -41 2

 

[dickens_cider]

Fastshowwwww

Where is the power house Falkirk, figured them to be top of the tables.


Just a reminder Shaheen FC 6, your ex-team in the pumpkin uni's 1........what a debacle.

 

[Fastshow]

DC

Shaheen F.C. should not be understimated. Any side that drinks tea after training and has communal showers while still wearing their y fronts is surely a force to be reckoned with. And having the ability to concentrate on their strict training principles while in the adjacent changing room the Peg/Olys are breaking all societal conceptions of taste and decency in their bi-weekly quest for unheralded levels of depravity is surely something we should all be inpressed with. I know I am.

Plus the Meralomas are a shite-bag football side. That may have had something to do with it too.

 

[peter]

Check your Sums

Fasty,

Because I've been checking my kids' math homework for the last eternity, I've become pretty quick at simple math stuff. Your table above is not correct. The numbers just don't add up for the Rangers.

constantlytryintostaveoffalzheimersbydoingmentalgymnastics, Peter

 

[Regs]

33 points it is

Well spotted Peter.

Fasty,

Looks like your Hibs mob have a good case for a protest. I can put you in touch with some people that have experience in these types of things.

Or you could just ask KNVB, Smilies, Knowone, or Guinness here on TTP

~TB.

 

[Fastshow]

conspiracy...

Pierre,

Well spotted! I'm quite surprised the Jinky and Cap'n Experience hasn't waded onto this thread with guns blazing about conspiracies that surround anything Rangers related like a dark shroud of evilness. Clearly the South London Men's First Division league offices were visited last week by Scottish referee and unofficial leader of the Orange Lodge, Hugh Dallas. It was during this visit that something fishy went on with the mathematics in the league table. Hugh Dallas was in London to kill the Queen Mum. He succeeded in doing so late Saturday afternoon.

A full investigation has been launched into the league table debacle. Rumours have it that he's got away with the murder of Britain's favourite Gran. The bounder.

 

[Fastshow]

arse......

I wasn't at the game on Sunday so here's the match report written by the London Hibs fearless leader.

Sunday's result:
London Hibs 2 v Rangers C 1
goals from Gerry V and Matt Smith

Not the prettiest game in the world - in fact it was probably the ugliest
thanks to a rock hard pitch and a light, egg-shaped ball (it was like
playing on the moon)... HOWEVER, thanks to some impressive debuts from
Donald Grant in goals, Garry MacDonald and Matt Smith in midfield as well as
a dashing return from 'old timer', Tim Ansell, up-front we plundered the
points ... making that 10 league wins in a row.

Glasgow Rangers beat Middlesbrough 4-3 to keep themselves as favourites to
lift the title... that result puts Middlesbrough out of the running - it's
now down to us and Rangers... we can pip them if we win our last three
league games....

Our last three games are:
Sun 14th April - Birmingham City (away)
Sun 21st April - Middlesborough (away)
Sun 28th April - Sheffield Wednesday (away)

And don't forget the final on
Sun 5th May - Aberdeen (Kingstonians)






More worrying is the following posted on the London Hibs e-mail list...... get a bucket handy.....





One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw
a kid from my class was walking home from school. His
name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his
books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring
home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football
game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I
shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward
him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his
arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses
went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten
feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible
sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and
as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw
a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said,
"Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked
at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was
one
of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where
he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him
why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private
school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid

before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some
of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I
asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my
friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the
more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my
friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the
huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said,
"Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles
with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and
handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best
friends. When we were seniors, we began to think
about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I
was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be
friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He
was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business
on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the
time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for
graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and
speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He
was one of those guys that really found himself during high
school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was
nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back
and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me
with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and
began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped
you make it through those tough years. Your parents,
your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly
your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a
friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I
am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the
story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill
himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had
cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do
it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave
me
a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from
doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular
boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking
at
me and smiling that same
grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With
one small gesture you can change a person's life. For
better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.
You now have two choices, you can:
1) Pass this on to your friends or
2) Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.
As you can see, I took choice number 1. "Friends are
angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have
trouble remembering how to fly."



What the fcuk is all that about? I leave the Peg/Olys and then find myself surrounded by a bunch a freaks who post shite like that and who, you have to suspect, dry flowers in the pages of Emily Bronte books. There are times when this shower make the Meralomas look like guys who would recognise a good time without tripping over it first. While I understand the point behind the e-mail, it's overtly gay (not that there's anything wrong with that etc. etc.) Americanised over-sentimentality is pretty blindingly obvious isn't it? Of course what we say has further ramifications we sometimes don't appreciate at the time but for fcuk's sake! I cannot play on the same side as 'guys' who post such filth. The most worrying thing of all is, were I to attend training tomorrow night, no one would rip the piss out of the dozy cnut for posting it either.

I mean really, what were the odds that I'd leave the Peg/Olys and hook up with a bunch of delicate and romantic types from the holy roller side of Edinburgh? You couldn't make it up.

 

[Captain Shamrock]

Fasty,

That is a very OLD e-mail. I read that to my students two years ago........ It's all about angles, all about angles.....

 

[Fastshow]

I'm looking for a punchline, Burnsie...

The only 'angle' I can see is that it's meant to be about 'angels'. Inglishwe?

Angels have no place on the football pitch.

I always thought it was bad enough that I played on the same team as a guy who drives a lime green Tracker.

I've plunged to new and unprecedented depths.

 

[Jinky]

There's nowhere to go but down after PoCoMo.

 

[Fastshow]

you're right....

You're bang on, Jinks. And, despite my obvious poor choices in terms of football clubs, Pokes and Peg were the two shining beacons of hope. There's nothing quite so annoying as turning out for a six pointer in South London on a glorious Sunday afternoon with all your pretentious barnyard animals gently tethered on the sideline and wishing you were lying drunk and prone in a field in Kamloops listening to Vinny tell lies.

Roll on August.

 

[Fastshow]

Oh, I see...

Sorry, Captain, I've just read your reply to Notty in the Provincial Cup thread and can now see your allusion to it being 'all about angles'. I hereby promise to be more judicious in reading each and every thread in order to keep on the inside track of all the latest catchphrases. Please forgive me, I feel I've let you down.

I feel I should now point out that I enjoyed my brief tenure with Club Ireland in an effort to redress the gaping chasm that threatens to come between us as a result of my inefficient thread monitoring.

God bless you, Captain.