Noo Choons

[Willy]

Quite the contrary Fasty, I contemplated embarking on a steady flow of cartwheels at my inclusion, however I was abruptly forced to pause for thought when I read of your apparent endorsement of The Streets. In recent weeks I've had the displeasure of downloading two pieces of the their work and simply can not say that I'm on side with that shout.

This recent setback in your long run of strong suggestions has me somewhat concerned about what this alleged new choon by the Alpine Stars might have in store. For the love of all things audible, I hope its a far cry from the Vanilla Ice meets Brick Top esque rumblings of The Streets.

Willy McPikey

 

[Fastshow]

forgive my indiscretion...

Bill,
I've only ever heard 'Let's Push Things Forward' by The Streets and was attracted by it's Specials-meets-MC Tunes-meets-Herb Alpert in a dark alley type 'vibe' if you'll forgive such a suitably pretentious word.

I take it you like The Coral, then?

Feedback is good once in awhile. This is a lonely service at times, you know.

Fishing, Fastshow.

 

[handcannon]

hello vicar

Alpine Stars - Snow Patrol

Successfully downloaded at 8:15 p.m. Eastern Standard time.

Happy, Johnny Gauntlet.

Victory lap complete.

Please deposit 25 cents for additional requests :>

HC

 

[handcannon]

fckin' dancin sickboy

T-Power - Message in a bottle.

Get it or fcuk off. That's how fckuning confident I am in the groovenosity of this Police re-hash sex monster of a track.

I'm sending out an SOS.

The remix also makes my jiggly bits jiggle.

I've just cum.

HC

 

[Fastshow]

splendid...

I knew you could do it. It was worth it too, wasn't it? Yes. Now if only you could figure out how not to send packages containing these wonderful compilations you plunder for me by way of Papua New Guinea. Arse.

'Extended Play' Chicken Lips- sounds like Kraftwerk's younger, autistic nephew.
'Sunshine Hit Me' The Bees- recorded in a shed on the Isle of Wight. As you would.
'Wuz' Alex Gopher & Demon- French house. This couldn't be more French if it answered to the name Pepe le Poisson.


Handcannon would like all three and should download them once he comes back from his weekly National Front tea and biscuits meeting.

Oui.

 

[sensei_hanson]

picks of the week

Josh Martinez "Sushi"
Aesop Rock "Daylight"
Dirty Vegas "Days Go By" - yeah, its a fcuking Mitsubishi commercial.

and, an OBG (oldie but goodie) - "This or That (The Choice Is Yours)" by Black Sheep.

And I'm out.

 

[handcannon]

putrid

Truly awful suggestions, Sensei.

It just goes to show how low the bar has to be these days for music to be considered good.

Word.

 

[handcannon]

not much better

Not much better with your last few either Fastshow.

I'm a busy man, don't waste my time.

HC

 

[Fastshow]

balls to that....

I still think that Streets song is clever, I don't care what you say.

Went for a ruby last night and had to complain to the management about their appalling musical selections. First we'd hear a traditional Indian song with all the usual sitars and wailing and cacophony of bells and other exotic intruments probably made from sheep's intestines. This would be followed by something chilled out and spliffed up off a Cafe del Mar compilation. Not too bad so far. Then, without fcuking fail, the third song was always Tubular bastard Bells. Seeing as we were in the establishment for going on three hours and, if you assume that a trad. Indian dirge lasts for four minutes and the loved up pill music lasted for another five, we heard Mike Oldfield around twenty bloody times.

And that's excessive.


And Handcannon, before you even think it, putting Tubular Bells on the next shipment of Top Choons from your little DJ booth would not in any way be amusing.

 

[handcannon]

pushing it forward

I wasn't referring to the Streets stuff. I like that'un all. I couldn't get the Bees, so really it was just Chicken Lips and la maison francais to which I was referring, but in comparison to Ghetto Hanson's choices, they are phenomenal. Black sheep?

Baaa.

HC

 

[Buckfast]

HC,

Were you born in the Lion's Gate, as well? You seem to have the same accent as Fastshow.

Curious,

Buckfast

 

[handcannon]

size 6x

Ohh, Bucky has decided to join the party, has he?

Welcome to a world of hurt.

Middlesbrough General Hospital, my fine feathered Croatian friend.

Where have you been lately? Combing the sale rack at Gap Kids?

Canon de Main

 

[sensei_hanson]

You didn't have to be so bloody callous about it. Sniff. A simple "don't like those, thanks" would have sufficed. I don't rag on your elektro-pap picks, now, do I.

As far as hiphop goes, the aforementioned tracks are some of the better selections out there. Really. You're old, aren't you. And bitter. You like Roots Manuva? He's from London, and, if nothing else, I'm sure you like London. Your impressive Anglospeak leads me to believe you've nosed around them parts at one time or another.

Anyways, try these. Really. I promise. All tracks courtesy of my WinMX library.

Air - Le Solei Est Pres De Moi (Automator Remix)
Bjork - Bachelorette (RZA remix)
Cornershop and Automator - Sleep on the Left Side
Lovage - Pit Stop
Herbalizer - Shorty's Judgement
Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys (UNKLE remix)
Charles Cooper - Blue number 2 reprise
Portishead - Mourning Air (war child Remix)
Jurassic 5 and Ozomatli - O Le Le
Chocolate Elvis - Tosca
Midskipper - Junkwaffle
Prefuse 73 - Vocal Studies and Uprock Narratives - Track 5
Shuggie Otis - Slow Goonbash Blues
Stereolab - Miss Modular (Automator Remix)


that's all. Thankfully.
-Sensei.

 

[hedkandi]

Sensei's

Good choices, especially the Stereolab, Air and Shuggie
The new Cornershop LP. Is it good?
UNKLE - been trying download anything but been finding v. little. They did some of the music to Sexy Beast, I think?

Alpine Stars, waiting for that fcuking B.A.S.I.C LP to get on those shelves at my local CD/Record Emporium.

Those scousers Clinic has a good offering.

Here's one for your peace pipe (OBG)
"Jah is I guiding star" - Takka Zukie & The Aggrovators

say

hedKandi

 

[sensei_hanson]

I believe UNKLE did all the music for Sexy Beast, which I just finished watching. Fcuking bizarre. Jonathon Glazer did some of the production work on the film, and I couldn't help but notice the use of several effects that worked in both the Just and Rabbit In Your Headlights vids. Quality.

Haven't heard any of the Cornershop LP, but have heard good things. My friend at His Masters Voice claimed it to be one of the better efforts he's heard recently.

I also just finished watching Gangster No.1 in a saturday movie fest. I need to find the sndtrk to this one, stat. Anybody know about this one?

-Sensei.

 

[Fastshow]

top tip...

Sensei,

I know you naturally veer towards listening to truly shocking music but I also know that, given some guidance, you are capable of hearing a good choon when you hear one. Listen up, homeboy.

Last night as my prawn vindaloo started repeating on me I found myself unable to sleep. Imagine my surprise when, turning the TV on at 12:30, I came across 'Later With Jools Holland'. For the majority of you phillistines, you won't know who Jools Holland is or why I should have been pleased to see his programme on. Jools Holland used to be in Squeeze and is now more famous for his Bell's Whiskey adverts and being friends with absolutely everyone. He is a consumate musicain without being a tosser. It's a delicate balance.

Last night he had The Doves, Cornershop, So Solid Crew, India Arie, and The Pet Shop Boys all bashing out new choons from their new albums.

The Doves I can take or leave. Their music is nice and jangly in a harmless 1993 Manchester kind of way but their lead singer tries to sound as if he comes from Oregon. I find that strange and wholly unnecessary.

So Solid Crew should be boiled in a vat of their own collective excrement while listening to Dazza and Dudeshitehandle recite the posts of Keeper in Turkish. Excrutiating.

Cornershop have one trick. On this album they seem to be willing to take the chance of playing that trick without the help of Fatboy Slim. That was a mistake. Their one trick isn't very good at all. Back to flogging 20 Silk Cuts, tea bags, the Sunday Sport, and chilled Black Tower for them, methinks.

India Arie wailed on about someone who had broken her heart. I couldn't have cared less. Like listening to undermars around a campfire wearing sarongs. Accoustic boredom.

The Pet Shop Boys played High and Dry, Being Boring, and Love is a Catastrophe but their piece de resistence was a re-working of their first and, perhaps, most seminal hit, West End Girls, resplendent with jangly disco guitars. Do a search for Jools Holland on whatever application you use and have a listen to West End Girls. The orignal was surely one of the prime directives behind CDK's decision to launch himself out of the closet with such vigour.

Seiminal.

 

[sensei_hanson]

I'd throw India Arie into that vat of poop. She's useless.

Doves, meh. Cornershop I like. Not all that much, but they're fine to listen to on occasion.

Jools Holland sounds amusing if nothing else. I'll check him out, but only to appease you and hardcommon.

I'm sure I'll be wanking on about the tour de force that is Spiritualized, or the sonic landscape provided by the Pet Shop Boys, sometime in the near future. Dad will be so proud.

If you like Kraftwerk, why not check out Neu?

Remember, you were the one responsible for my closet addiction for the bloody Manics album. I never forgave you for that.

-Sensei.

 

[Fastshow]

If you tolerate this your children will be next....

In terms of adjectives, the word 'fine' isn't really the kind of word bands generally aim at generating in their reviews is it? Unless, of course, you're undermars wherein anything loftier than 'cack' would be a distinct improvement.

What's the point in listening to Cornershop if all they are is 'fine'? I think the Gorrillaz are 'fine' but it never stopped me from secretly rejoicing whenever I took them off the cd player when your back was turned.

If you ever coerce a girl into going out with you, try telling her she looks 'fine' when she fishes for a compliment. See how long it takes for her and her guide dog to navigate themselves out of your life.

Good job you're a budding journalist, you paint such a picture with language. Your grammar, at least, is fine.

Don't for a minute assume Handcannon and I are colluding on TTP. Surely it's merely a question of time before he oversteps the mark and needs to be brought down a Peg or two. Until then, he's doing just fine.

I don't like Kraftwerk and never have. They're German for fcuk's sake. Neu just sounds gay. Suits you, sir. The Pet Shop Boys, it should go without saying, are simply confused. I'm sure if they played in the VMSL they'd play for the Meralomas.

Spiritualized, eh? You are getting on aren't you? Do you sit in a darkened room and contemplate your mortality while Spiritualized drone on in the background? It's fine if you do. If I were you I would as well.

And for the last fcuking time, what do you make of The Streets? As the only person I am willing to admit knowing who listens to plip plop, your opinion can justify my stred-cred and appease my woefully fragile musical ego. If you don't like them tell me, that would be fine.

Much ado about nothing, Fastshow.

 

[sensei_hanson]

They sound fine.

 

[handcannon]

loquacious

Fcuk Fastshow,

You don't half go on a bit, don't you? Make a point, bitch!

Allow me to regress for but a moment into my pre-pubescant days, when Quiet Riot ruled the airwaves and forming a Def Leppard tribute airband with your friends was most fashionable (before the drummer lost his arm). When the lingerie section of a Sears Catalogue provided a brief and sassy respite from the completion of delivery of 400 or so Real Estate Weeklies.

I had a trip down that memory lane the other night, upon hearing "She is Beautiful" by some shrub name Andrew W.K. I hate to admit it, but I quite liked it. Any thoughts?

And fasty, before you say it's American shiite, I'll have you know that he has yet to really break stateside, and the bulk of his success has come in the U.K. How do you reconcile this with your rose-coloured vision of mother England and her inimitable pop-charts?

And yes, I feel "fine".Thank-you.

HC