Joke of the day...

[Argyle]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting
you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laughed, you are going straight to hell

 

[Argyle]

A PERFECT DIET!



I have a Labrador retriever.
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the black guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

 

[Regs]

Good for a chuckle this morning

Thanks Argyle!

 

[johnnybluenose]

Brilliant!

 

[Captain Shamrock]

Check this one out.......for the Scotsmen especially.....

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jViYmTyiZZE&NR"]YouTube - Hitler[/ame]

 

[Keeper]

If you're flying somewhere during the holidays, be careful about who your pilot is.

http://pageperso.aol.fr/marcbrecy/deanmartin.html

 

[striker14]

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea".
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.
Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any moneyleft at all!"
Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two Double Shots of Jack Daniels.
Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the
tenth bar,Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore! And my knees are killing me!"
Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

 

[striker14]

sorry...f*cked up an attachment

 

[Sir M]

MARRIED FOR THE NIGHT

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fcukin blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[cside17]

guy goes to Revenue Canada to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him about his previous employer.

He replies: "The army. I served in the Princess Pats for three years; last duty in Afghanistan".

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment". The interviewer then asks,

"Are you disabled in any way"?

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM.

You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come in at 10:00?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.

Not much point in you coming in for that."

 

[Dude]

At dawn the telephone rings:
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."


"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!
"Yes Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

" WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE...............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shite!"

 

[knvb]

I've read funnier on a bathroom wall.

For a good time call...

 

[Dude]

Ever the one about the time KNVB was two hours late because the escalator stopped?

 

[striker14]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said , "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face".

 

[club_i_champ]

What did the two condoms say to each other outside the Gay Bar?

Wanna go in and get shitfaced