For those (few) who play outside the Lower Mainland

[Fastshow]

and another........

More baffling hyperbole from John Roe, TP manager and left back who, very clearly, thinks he's Saint. At least in terms of spinositous literary transcendentalism. And shite.

MATCH REPORT: TOWERS PERRIN 1-1 LONDON MANCURIANS

Following Mancs sensational win against pre-season favourites the Spaniards the week before, TP knew it'd be a tough night's work against a quality side. However, the TP Blue Army manned their posts with a never say die attitude and more commitment to the cause than Paul Burrell to the late, not soooo great, Princess Diana. This was an occasion for battling spirit and crunching tackles and TP provided both in abundance.

The game saw a debut for ex-Arsenal keeper Alan, sadly on his way back to Glasgow in the next couple of weeks ( yet another sad example of the Old Firm sucking up all the top Scottish talent).

Sadly John Patterson was missing for the first time this season with a career threatening knee injury. Fortunately world renowned Doctor Fox of Capital FM has now set him back on the road to recovery with the well known healing ballad "The Long And Winding Road" by the Beatles (not the Will and Gareth version, shame on you two for vandalising such a beautiful tune and for bringing your soulless manufactrued pop to radios all over the country. But well done Gareth for banging Jordan.)

Fireworks aplenty lit up the night sky, all as a mark of respect for this great TP side rather than some failed terrorist (and alleged Al Queda member, Guy Fawkes, as all terrorists now are...) who so nearly blew up our beloved parliment. The tension mounted for this top of the table clash of the titans in the Northwest League Division 1 and the crowd's noise level rose, with the inevitable ' There's only one Johnny Roe' rising in decibles to an almost earsplitting intensity as the whistle blew.

Mancs were faster out of the blocks and threw forward a barrage of attacks in the first few minutes. TP took time to settle but fought from the start, with cries of 'put some snow on it' filling the night air. Despite fighting like tigers over a particularly attractive female it seemed Mancs would eventually break through, and so it was as a cross allowed a deft header to wrongfoot Alan for the opening goal. However, TP never allowed their heads to drop and immediately looked more dangerous after the restart. TP started to pass the ball around and create openings and settled defensively, with Eoin and Luke as impressive as ever in thwarting the Mancs. Their opponents sensed the turning of the tide, but like a small child trying to defend his sandcastle from the sea, resistance was futile. The electric pace of Johhny "Speedy" McCabe saw him clear before stroking the ball past the keeper with all the confidence of a man in form. Particularly impressive for TP was Petros, playing on the wide open space that is the left flank he toyed with his opposite number and produced quality runs and crosses which caused Mancs problems. One particular curling ball fooling the defence and Andy was unlucky not to get on the end of it after a strong run. However, things remained locked at one all until half-time with all to play for.

The second half saw the introduction of Gavin for Andy and an upping of the tempo from London Mancs. Petros, Gavin, Yorkie and Ian A ran literally thousands of miles between them breaking up attacks, not so much covering every blade of grass as having an intimate relationship with each one of them. The defence held firm with tackles headers and clearances flying in, working well as a unit and never giving up in the face of a horde of attackers and it was a busy second match for Ian A but he fought well to help stop the backline being breached. Mancs tried everything to break through but Alan was in inspired form and staunch, committed, gritty defending throughout the team saw wave after wave blunted as the TPs fortress resisted the siege throughout the second half. That is not to say TP did not have chances, tireless running by Dave and Johhny saw long balls chased down time after time and in the final minute a chase led to a corner. A melee of bodies piled into the box from and, amongst them, a firm header was saved on the line by the Mancs keeper. So close to scoring, and yet, like an overly eager Blind Date contestant, so far.

When the lights finally went out on a thrilling, full bloodied encounter between two giants of the modern game, the spoils were shared. It was a game for heroes and TP had 12 of them. The goal this year was European football and if every game is shown the same tireless running and never flinching commitment as this one then it remains a realistic ambition. TP sit top of the league, unbeaten and unbowed, and should take pride from a point well earned.

What he fails to mention is that we had no right getting a point out this match. The Mancs bossed it and, in the words of TTP's most humble member, they had at the very least 80% of the possession. Astro-turf still sucks harder than CDK in a room full of firemen. Nasty stuff.

 

[Ballbaby]

Astro-turf still sucks harder than CDK in a room full of firemen. Nasty stuff.

That is quite a visual. Oh my!

 

[max blink]

no news?

Fasty:

How are the Towers Perrin faring this fall? Still in the Northwest League, still playing on astroturf?

Or have you returned to London Hibs?

Any other potential members of Vancouver F.C. out there? If you have 9 I'm in, but you will have to sign me away from the FC Pottery Arms/Patel Newsagents juggernaut.

max

 

[Fastshow]

update.........

Had an eternal e-mail about this season's Towers Perrin side but gleefully hit the 'ignore' button on it. I see no real future in playing on a Monday night in North-West London on a turf park in a condemned stadium.

Plus, most of them are actuaries. They like to talk about pensions.


I trained with the Hibs in the summer down on Clapham Common but feel they're not the same side without John Leslie's involvement. I so miss his stories of being engaged to Catherine Zeta-Jones and how he didn't rape Ulrikakakakakaka. Plus, the league they're in isn't very good as it's only a supporter's league. they'd still beat the Meralomas, however. Not that that's saying much.

This season I'm playing in the Essex 1st Division for Fobbing FC. Beano is also playing and we're currently working on getting Saint out of retirement. The getting Saint out of retirement part is proving easier said than done since his longstanding drunken volleyball ligament injury is still niggling the poor soul. We won our first league game handily and next week we play our second league game, strangely enough. It's nice and handy as our home park is only 20 minutes down the A13 from where I live.

Which is nice.

And handy.

 

[Fastshow]

19th October, 2003 Jurgen Sports vs. Fobbing F.C...........

Playing in a gale the likes of which is typically only encountered traversing the expanse through Bungalow Zenga's heed, we played away to Jurgens Sports on Sunday last.

The conditions didn't help Fobbing's sexy brand of one-touch football. Nor did the pitch which, I suspect, most grazing cows would have sniffed at and lumbered away. Still, we had a full side out and, despite number 4's two cracked ribs from the previous week's footballing exploits, a backline that would strike fear into the most hardy of smorgasbord restauranteurs. Despite owning Jurgens Sports and slapping them about like R Kelly at a NAMBLA convention, the brave Fobbing FC heroes found themselves 2-0 down at half-time.

A spectacularly taken goal inside the first five minutes of the second half put Fobbing back into the contest as Jurgens visably wilted having had their flanks penetrated. The force-nine gale continued unabated and, despite enjoying more possession than a Meralomas inter-squad match, Fobbing struggled to convert their chances. In the 65th minute, Fobbing manager Chris Wood rolled his dice, spun his wheel, and put all his chips on Ainsley coming on despite the fact he was nursing a chipped elbow. The lanky streak of piss had an immediate impact and curled in a delightful free-kick which was met by top-shelp psychopath Lee West who thundered the ball home with his heed.

2-2.

A defensive lapse the likes of which have rarely been seen outside Stamford Bridge of late gifted the pillow-biters from Jurgens Sports a third and it was backs against the wall time again for the brave Fobbing lads. With seconds to spare, young Rob ran onto a lovely weighted through ball from the Fobbing outside right and cheekily chipped the oncoming keeper. Like stroking a dog through a letterbox. What followed in the subsequent scenes was some of the worst dancing since CDK took his end of term final in Campology 301 at the University of Nonce.

Final result 3-3.

Two games, four from a possible six for the housewive's favourites, Fobbing FC.

 

[sensei_hanson]

Re: 19th October, 2003 Jurgen Sports vs. Fobbing F.C...........

Originally posted by Fastshow
slapping them about like R Kelly at a NAMBLA convention

It's actually he's creepier than the bathrool stall at a NAMBLA convention - but what the hell. I enjoy you expanding your horizons. By stealing more of my material. Judas.

Clubvibes forever,
-Me.

 

[Fastshow]

apologies.............

I fear I'm now stealing David Gray's material when I deplore you to please forgive me.


I don't actually remember you ever writing anything about R Kelly but now you've mentioned it I find it doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

I'm sure he's huge in Manila.

 

[Fastshow]

two for one.....

Missed last week's reporting duties as have been up in the Lake District with the wonderfully named yet mad-as-a-bucket-of-rabid-squirrels Aussie........ wait for it.......... it's worth it..... Misty Waters. I mean it had to be done didn't it? In the immortal words of everyone's favourite 1970's novelty item, Beanbag the Human Couch, 'It's a shame she's insane, she smelled nice.'

Anyway, last week your Fobbing heroes played another side in Essex (yes, it's true) and, in a match that felt, at times, more a loss than a win against ten men, we won 3-1 in more gale-force fcuking winds. You'd think Britain were an island or something. Beano made his full league debut coming on for me after 70 minutes and slotted in nicely in our third game and third away fixture of the season. We know how Stepchild feels in not having a home. Kind of. We missed about 19,089,765 chances but that's simply an approximation. Anyway 3-1 and 7 points from a possible 9.

Today we played Concept Sports, the league-leaders who had yet to concede a goal in their five wins. Surprisingly enough and for something different we played in gale-force winds, choosing to play into the wind in the first half. The Fobbing injured reserve list continues to grow with impressive speed with Parker, Holcombe, and Ascough all out for today's fixture. The ribs I cracked four weeks ago now simply refuse to heal and all I can do is rest. I'm good at that after years of training. So, Beano it was in for me and in the first half, despite the conditions we managed to keep Concept on the back foot. I think some of us considered the fact we would have the advantage of the wind (Beano was out for a ruby last night) in the second half too great an influence as we started playing like cnuts, lost our shape and let them back in a game they didn't deserve to be in. With about 25 minutes left Chopper in goal had a rush of blood to the head and decided he was as quick as Linford Christie instead of just sharing a similarly impressively-proportioned lunchbox. Out he came in a race he was never likely to win and inevitably the young twat off Concept, with his collar up a la Cantona, slotted home. Cue celebrations the likes of which haven't been witnessed since Dazza last threatened to retire from takethepiss.com. Apparently beating the Fobbing juggernaut meant everything to the Concept lads. Can't blame them for that, can you? We continued to struggle to regain the kind of composure we'd shown in the first half as Woody made some changes to the midfield and, sadly, the new faces didn't display the kind of bottle required to eke out a result on a shite day for football. Even the ducks were whingeing. The cnuts. We pulled one back on a perfectly good goal by Lee up front which the ref, in his imperious wisdom, decided to turn into a free kick for the big bent tosser in the Concept goal who had fallen over as a result of his own unyielding clumsiness. Shafted. To make up for his clanger the ref then gave Concept a pk which Chopper saved well. Still in it then. Unfortunately, despite some solid performances from the hastily-assembled back line of Beano, Big George, Mark, and Sam which Chopper strong in goals, we just didn't do the job. It really didn't help when the classless wankers off Concept celebrated the final whistle harder than Annabel Chong at a gang-banging convention. We'll stuff 'em in the return.

Seven points from twelve.

 

[Beanbag]

Orsett SSC vs Fobbing F.C.

No Fastshow report this week as he chose to stay home, nurse his sore ribs and watch the rugby instead of cheering on the replica shrimpers.

Orsett were a lively young bunch and started out all guns blazing. They took a well deserved early lead at which time Fobbing decided was as good a time as any to start playing.

Cue the flying tackles and subsequent scrums afterwards. Although we were finally playing with some passion, Orsett still had chances from well worked corners but due to some excellent saves from Chopper and one goal line clearance from a 5 yard volley by yours truly we were still very much in the game.

Our sound defensive play seemed to spur us on and with a great 30 yard free kick and a bit of luck(and simon trying to clear the ball off the line only to roof it and claim the goal himself) the big scottish lad George had drawn us level. Honorable mention goes to Westy as the keeper decided he would rather Clatter him than go for the ball!

Half time 1-1.

Fobbing picked up the pace in the early part of the second half down to hard work from everyone especially simon with his tireless running/tackling. The tackles seemed to escalate as the Ref was reluctant to hand out any second yellows or straight red for that matter.

It was only a matter of time til a penalty was awarded and luckily it was awarded to Fobbing with Westy calmly slotting it home.

1-2 to the seasiders.

Orsett with their backs to the wall picked up their play and took it to us for the rest of the game. Another week and once again I didn't seem to make a great impression with the opposing side or their fans. It might have been due to my foul on their centre forward (the ref said I could have broke his leg). I wish I had cause wouldn't you know he was awarded a PK a little while later and converted it. HellsBollocks!!!

With only a few minutes remaining I used every trick I ever picked up playing for the Highlanders, 2 min goalkicks, tieing of shoelaces, swapping replacement game ball for original as it came back near field after one of many 100 yard clearances. Millhouse knows the drill.

And that was that a deserved 2-2 draw. Some bad blood between a few members of both teams should make this an exciting return fixture. Stay tuned.

8 points from 15. Can do better!

 

[Fastshow]

full fitness.......

Fobbing's Christmas do at Romford dogs........... one pink t-shirt (picture to follow), one £200 whip, one £60 result for Fastshow, one train/ taxi home of which there remains no memory, one Saturday written-off with a stinking hangover. Good night out.

This past Sunday we played another side on their home park near the picturesque village of Orsett. Thatched cottages, country pubs, sheep, cows. Rural.

First half and Big Motherwell George wins the toss and decides to go downhill (a metaphor, surely) and with the sun behind us. Despite missing an unbelievable number of chances but being sound defensively with the back four, reunited after a series of annoying injuries (to me), being solid to a man; 0-0 at the interval.

After being on the receiving end of a rousing half-time teamtalk by Woody, the team manager whose accent I am only just beginning to understand, Fobbing came out hungry for the goal that would, surely, begin the rout. From an inswinging Ainsley corner, the opposition fullback made a complete pig's ear (rural) of his clearance and, having waited half an hour for the ball to come back to earth, Fastshow (third person) took a touch with his right before slotting it home with his left. First competitive goal in the UK and first competitive goal since Ambleside 2000. I'm still trying to stem the flow of the nosebleed I incurred from being so far up the park. At this stage we were properly taking the piss out of an opposition who really didn't look as though they fancied being out of the house. 2-0 from Westy but the goal of the day came from man-of-the-match Simon who, having taken the ball from Ainsley after he'd skinned all but the keeper of the other side and made them look like the Captain at a Mason's Christmas luncheon, calmly slid away our third to emphasise the difference in class between the two sides on the day.

First clean sheet of the season and arguably the first we've played as a team all year.

Next Sunday it's at home before a pub crawl that could last until Tuesday next.



Fobbing in fourth.


Man-of-the-match Simon Robinson.........

 

[knvb]

According to Fastshow this morning..........

Fastshow: I scored tonight

KNVB: How is your ex-wife?

Fastshow: No, against rural pig farmers, we won 3-0.

KNVB: Super, I was anxious about that result.

Fastshow: I love you.

 

[Fastshow]

another fcuking spaceman........

According to Fastshow this morning..........

Fastshow: I scored tonight

Despite the undeniable fact I live in the future (in so many ways), even I'm incapable of scoring the morning before a match played 'that' night.

Even with my right peg.


Sort yourself out, man.



Still, you know what 'they' say........


Imitation is just another form of being an unoriginal thieving bastard...........

 

[Jinky]

Re: full fitness.......

Originally posted by Fastshow
one train/ taxi home of which there remains no memory,

Simple really. You barking at Beanbag that you two weren't going home you were going to mmeeehhhhhrrrhhhhhg or something like that. Continued arguing and alot of Fastshow saying "what are you looking at?" to various people on the train.

It was shortly before 4pm in our time. The Pre-Cambrian Era.

 

[Fastshow]

Result of friendly played last Thursday at Surrey Quays Stadium........ Rio Kaiserlautern 0 Perkins Engines Works XI 0.


Remarkable only for two aspects; Millwall F.C. youth side trained before we took to the (1970's) astroturf during which time Bermondsey street crime was reduced by 68.45%, and that Beanbag played wearing gloves.

And no, he wasn't in goal.

I can't remember the last time I played in a 0-0. Apart from last Thursday. I can just remember that. In fact, I just did.

 

[Rangerforever]

And no, he wasn't in goal.

Tell Beano GN's on the phone looking for his number to give him a bell.

Those gloves could come in handy on a Pak Cup run they're saying.

Beanbag back in North Delta - amazing controversial signing that would be.

 

[Fastshow]

Squad including four internationals (two Canadian, one Taff, one Indian.... can you spot which one?) assembled for 15th May, 2004 international first leg, Rio Kaiserslautern (London) v. Eastern Paris XI.

Eastern Paris 3 Rio 2. (Aggregate score after first leg, away goals counting double...3-4)

Second leg to be played sometime in August in London for the first time many of the French will have experienced playing football on grass. Note the exquisite tarmac-like surface provided for the first leg. French side to be housed in a lovely Brixton ** hotel for their stay.

 

[Jinky]

I sincerely hope Fastshow doesn't turn up in any of the home videos shot by his former London Hibs goalie and astoundingly busy pervert, John Leslie.

I wouldn't want to see him ending up in the news of the world unless it's for the right reasons of course.

 

[Fastshow]

Oh Abi, where did it all go so wrong? Saint and I were talking about her just last weekend while wandering about a cemetery. As you do.


One of the few lucid stories John Leslie was capable of recounting in between massive sniffs and pretending to be able to tend goal was that, having bought dear Abi her impressively false tits, despite the fact they broke up more than Buckfast at a Barbara Streisand concert, he would always enjoy 'visitation rights'.

So, not only has the daughter of two seemingly respectable Lincolnfordshire school teachers been metaphorically dragged through the Fleet Street mire by the objectionable Scottish wanker by virtue of her penchant for shagging anything that moves, she now has to settle for only commanding £150,000 a year 'fronting' an obscure porn channel only Beanbag seems to have heard of.

Bless her.

And all who sail in her.