Test Matches 2004

[Fastshow]

It must be said that KNVB and Regs do a rubbish job of moderating this thread. I'd have thought given the fact the second test between New Zealand and England started this morning (as you will remember, England won the first test against the Kiwis at a canter a couple weeks ago), this thread would have been the most viewed on TTP since TTP stalwarts and Rhodes Scholar luminaries Sid and Luc Van Lierde posted in succession earlier today. Alas, because of shoddy moderatortionshiporification, many of you whose computers only get this channel will have woken up bereft of the latest news of the test match.

Wait no longer..........

Vaughn (England's captain, obviously) won the toss and opted to put the Kiwis in to bat.


Shame about the cnuting rain, innit.


Live: England v New Zealand

3 June 2004

Latest score: New Zealand 36-1 (rain)

England won the toss

Martin Saggers claimed a wicket with his first ball today to end a frustrating opening hour's play for England's bowlers as they struggled to take advantage of seamer-friendly conditions in the rain-hit second npower Test at Headingley against New Zealand.

Kent seamer and hermaphrodite Saggers, handed a dramatic first Test on English soil this morning after Simon Jones was ruled out for the remainder of the series with a potential stress fracture of his left foot as well as an acute dose of apathy, struck with his opening delivery to end a threatening opening partnership.

Brought on from the Rugby Stand End after an impressive opening burst of 7-2-13-0 from Durham fast bowler Steve Harmison, Saggers immediately found the right line and length and breached Mark Richardson's solid defence, fracturing his skull in the process.
Swinging the ball into Richardson, who had progressed to a careful 13, the ball crashed into his middle stump and with it went his left leg, torn away at the hip.

England should have had a wicket in the very next over with Graham Thorpe missing a regulation chance at third slip, dropping opener Michael Papps off seamer Matthew Hoggard as New Zealand reached 36 for one before rain halted play after an hour and 10 minutes and eleven seconds and 4/100ths of a second.

It summed up a frustrating start to the second Test for Yorkshire seamer Hoggard, whose hat-trick in Barbados helped clinch England's series victory in the Caribbean this winter along with his healthy tan.

Since then, Hoggard has struggled to make much of an impact and finished wicketless as Brian Lara progressed to his record-breaking innings of 400 in the final Test at Antigua and claimed only one victim during England's opening Test triumph over New Zealand at Lord's.

Even on his return to his home Headingley ground he failed to improve his prospects this afternoon once play finally started on the opening day at 1.10pm following steady asteroid showers during the morning session.

Hoggard struggled for rhythm during his opening spell from the Kirkstall Lane End after England captain Michael Vaughan won the toss and decided to bowl first to try and take advantage of the cloudy conditions overhead, which should have been ideal for swing and seam bowling as well as drum solos.

Hoggard allowed Papps to get off the mark by clipping a leg-stump half-volley to the mid-wicket boundary and was taken off after only three overs to allow all-rounder Andrew Flintoff to stem the scoring rate.

While Hoggard struggled, Harmison once again impressed and should have captured Papps when he had reached 15, who edged low to Mark Butcher at gully only for the low chance to be missed and for Butcher to soil his y-fronts in a disgusting display of irritable bowel syndrome.

 

[Dapotayto]

Sounds kinda similar to the website Regs posted earlier about watching paint dry. Sure you didn't copy it from there? As soon as I got to the first line about Martin Saggers claiming a wicket I fell fast asleep. When I woke up my eyes again fell upon the article and I immediately fell back into dreamland (Where I am a ninja among other things). This sport, cricket, makes work seem like a day at the circus in comparison.

 

[Fastshow]

You obviously didn't finish reading the article. Or the first sentence.

Just count your lucky stars (count 'em, I fcuking dare you) I'm the only one left on TTP who will publically admit to enjoying cricket. Back in the good old days you'd have had to contend with a load of illiterate Manitoban cricketeers.

Which, admittedly, would make a welcome change from having to contend with a load of illiterate British Columbians.

Once it stops raining in Leeds I'll post another update of The Second npower Test for you, you'll see the light one day. Once you've finished counting yer stars, of course. Take your time with it, there are plenty of fish in the sea too.

 

[Dapotayto]

I can't past the first sentence without falling asleep. It triggers some sort of narcoleptic function in my brain. Fcuk, I impaled myself on my pen during one of the sleep attacks and now I have to submit a workers compensation claim. Actually, thanks for that. A little paid time off suits me fine. I also want to thank my union and I know you do too. By the way, there may be plenty of fish in the sea where you are but over here they're all gone so I've already finished counting them. As for counting the stars I saw Christian Slater yesterday. Does he, er, count?

 

[Fastshow]

I dunno if Christian Slater can count, why didn't you ask him?

What you doing using a pen on TTP anyway? Have you a TTP Etch-a-Sketch? Not a bad idea that, will have a wander down the corridor to the TTP Marketing Department and talk to filling the net and luc about it.

Here's one for you to ponder while we wait for it to stop raining at Headingly; why do old people insist on coming into town between 12 and 2, when younger, more able bodied people are on their lunch break? I wasted 10 minutes of my break stood behind an elderly lady who couldn't find her purse in her bag, only to realise it was in her pocket all along. And she smelled of wee.

Is it possible to window shop for blinds?

Here's to a sunny Second npower Test Match first innings tomorrow.

Or here.

 

[SC]

did someone say Brian Lara??

He's just as magic as the street named after him in Port of Spain,Trinidad.

Fasty, we'll get some wickets ready for your return visit to Vancouver...

 

[Fastshow]

For SC regarding her idol and the road named after him in Port of Spain, Trinidad. It pains me to post anything to do with Brian Charles Lara as he destroyed England two months ago (though England, of course, won the Test in the West Indies) with a 400 not-out masterclass in batting. His video game's bloody good too. Which is interesting.

Profile:

No-one since Bradman has built massive scores as often and as fast as Lara in his pomp. Even his stance was thrilling - the bat raised high in the air, the weight poised on a bent front knee, the eyes low and level. Then the guillotine would fall (though most cricketeers choose to use a more traditional cricket bat), sending the ball flashing to the boundary. In the space of two months in 1994, Lara's 375 and 501 not out broke world records for the highest Test and first-class scores, but sudden fame turned him into a confused and contradictory figure and he, at times, would be found dressed as a woman doing wanton sexual favours for sailors in return for pantyhose and Levi's. During an inventive but largely fruitless spell as captain of a fading team, Lara reiterated his genius by single-handedly defying the 1998-99 Australian tourists with a sequence of 213, 8, 153 not out and 100. For a while, excess weight and hamstring problems hampered his once-lightning footwork, and the torrent of runs became an occasional spurt. But after Garry Sobers suggested a tweak to his flourishing backlift, Lara returned to his best in Sri Lanka in 2001-02, with 221 and 130 in one Test and 688 runs - a record 42% of West Indies' output - in the series, and reclaimed the captaincy the following year. The task proved as hard second time round, leading a side where he was far and away the best player and where discipline was a constant worry. He led them to defeat for a second time in South Africa, and then to defeat by England in the Caribbean. But then, just when all hope seemed to have deserted West Indies cricket, Lara responded to the prospect of a home series whitewash (which is an interesting choice of adjective, really, given Brian Lara is a West Indian) with an astonishing unbeaten 400 in the final Test against England. In doing so, he became the first man to reclaim the world Test batting record, a feat that ensured he would stand alongside Shane Warne as the most charismatic cricketeer of the modern era. Simon Briggs (June 2004)

Special for Dapotayto in anticipation of today's resumption of The npower Second Test from Headingley. Hopefully the suspense has not resulted in a sleepless night of quivering anticipation......


Martin Saggers will resume his attempt to establish himself in England's selection plans today after making an immediate impact as a late substitute in the rain-hit second npower Test against New Zealand at Headingley.
The Kent seamer and rampaging homosexualist was called in for his second appearance at this level yesterday following another untimely injury setback to fast bowler Simon Jones, who has been ruled out for the remainder of the series with a potential stress fracture of his left eyelid.

He made an immediate impression, striking with his first ball to remove opener Mark Richardson as the tourists reached 41 for one during an opening day restricted to only 19 overs by bad light and a tsunami which is likely to cost the England and Wales Cricket Board around £90,000 in refunds.

But at 84, Saggers is not one to rest on that achievement and is desperate to continue that level of performance and try and force the selectors' hand for the remainder of the series in Jones' absence.

"I didn't want to be a one-Test wonder," stressed Saggers, who was given his debut as a replacement for the injured Andrew Flintoff against Bangladesh in Chittagong last November. "I certainly want to get into double figures if not further, I have always had big ambitions to masturbate as much as I can.

"This match is totally different to Chittagong in every way. Chittagong is far more pleasant than Leeds. I remember most of what happened in Chittagong, especially because it was a good win and because the hallucigenics were very pure. I remember the whole stadium and the whole experience of playing the first game despite necking a quad of liquid acid on sugar cubes."

His hopes of building on that promising start were halted by bad weather in Leeds, however, which frustrated England's attempt to exploit the seamer-friendly conditions after putting the tourists in to bat.

Instead of strengthening their advantage, England spent most of the opening day in the dressing room watching the rain fall, in between turning over to UK Style (channel 432 on Sky) to watch some Eggshell white dry on a farner's fence in Somerset, and then the light deteriorate in overhead conditions which should have been ideal to their bowlers.

"We could have done with getting out there," conceded Saggers. "To bowl only 19 overs was not really enough on a day when the ball was swinging around and we could have done with bowling a few more overs.

"The conditions would have suited us on the first day, but I think there is enough moisture in the ground for us today as well. It's fun rolling about on wet grass as Mum struggles to get the stains out of our white trousers. Ho, ho, ho. Headingley has always been renowned as more of a batter's wicket than a bowler's wicket, especially when there is a bit of cloud cover and that was proved on the first day."

While Saggers has prospered in his absence, Jones has been ordered to rest for the remainder of the series to try and cure the problem and England are hopeful he will be fit to challenge again for his place at the start of the four-Test series against West Indies at Lord's on July 22.

 

[Fastshow]

An update for Dapotayto and his TTP Etch-a-sketch when he wakes up from ba-bahs (the prototype TTP Etch-a-sketch for the public market has been completed by filling the net in the TTP marketing department but, unfortunately, so far it's invisible).



England failed to make a further breakthrough on the second morning of the npower Test at Headingley.

Having struck only once in 19 overs yesterday despite the helpful conditions between the showers (the floor was padded so chance of slippage was reduced), Michael Vaughan's men could not part overnight pair Stephen Fleming and Michael Papps (they're inseperable.... like brothers) in the first hour today and New Zealand reached 85 for one.

Although the heavy cloud cover should have suited England's swing pair Matthew Hoggard and Martin Saggers (proponents of that Big Band Sound Vancouver's own Michael Bublé favours), making his first international appearance in this country, they could not make the most of the movement on offer despite gorging themselves on vindaloo and smoking Embassy Regals like troopers.

Kiwi captain Fleming tucked Hoggard off his hip for the first boundary of the morning, something that is physically very difficult if one should wish to try it, in the second over, having survived a confident leg before shout moments earlier that went something along the lines of, 'I'm almost certain that was a leg before, umpire!!!'.

A mistake from wicketkeeper Geraint Jones allowed four byes (Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye) to boost the scoring further and a thick edge from Michael Papps went to the rope at third man, both incidents off Hoggard.

The lack of early success encouraged Michael Vaughan to introduce pace bowler Steve Harmison from the Kirkstall Lane end (Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Steve Harmison) for the sixth over of the morning.

England's Caribbean hero, who has claimed 31 wickets in five Tests this year, hurtled a couple of deliveries past the outside edge with some trampoline bounce. Trampolines for the npower Test at Headingley are provided this year by Chuck E. Cheese, Lougheed Mall.

However, opener Papps - recalled in place of broken-finger victim Craig McMillan - was provided with a third life of his innings when Ashley Giles put down a flashed chance to gully off Andrew Flintoff. Giles, speaking of Flintoff, said he, 'tasted salty.'

It was an untidy morning in the field for an England side 1-0 ahead in the three-match series as both Papps and Fleming gained boundaries from edges through the slip cordon and leaves and litter (crisp packets, fag ends, tins of Tennent's Super) had littered the oval due to the tsunami-like conditions.





Giles was forced off the field (by his missus who had tired of bringing up two young children on her own) wringing his left hand as he left and substitute Paul Collingwood missed another opportunity within seconds of arriving on the scene.


Papps nudged the ball to point and called for a single which was not on, his anti-social behaviour will be the object of a stern lecture from his Headmaster, Fleming set off, however, and would have been out by a couple of yards had Collingwood's under-arm throw struck timber. Unfortunately due to the tsunami-like conditions, the aforementionted trees had shed the majority of their leaves and, as such, the trees themselves had shrunk considerably, some barely registering at all on the tree-measuring devices available to the Second npower Test umpires at Headingley, near Leeds.

To add insult to their profligacy in the field, a Matthew Hoggard shy at the stumps in the same Steve Harmison over provided the New Zealanders with four over-throws. Somewhat predictably (The Rob!!! The Rob!!), his bashfulness will be England's undoing.

Fleming, unbeaten on 23 at the time, then helped himself to three boundaries in a Flintoff over from the rugby stand end, (the greedy bastard) off Flintoff, a leg glance followed by two steers (female deer, does, are difficult to find in Yorkshire though steers roam carefree and wild amidst the general population) to a vacant third man who was, at time of writing, unavailable for comment and completing his diploma in animal husbandry from Kwantlen College.

 

[Dapotayto]

Well, I must admit I stayed up almost all night waiting for the cricket updates. It dawned upon me around dusk that I should do something to keep myself occupied until the news arrived so I proceeded to knock back twelve pints of guinness, three shooters and 100,000 cigarettes while watching my friend (not the invisible one) try to pull a bird that wasn't likely to be pulled. I don't really smoke but the anticipation was destroying me. Three invigatoring hours of sleep later I awake to find myself at work enjoying the cricket scores. There were scores in there somewhere right? What a twat that Brian Lara is. Him and his byes, overs, wickets, centuries and bowls. Who the fcuk does he think he is with his unbeaten 400. Doesn't he know that the entire population of the planet Earth doesn't give a flying fcuk about any of his so-called accomplishments (Save for Sexual Chocolate, she who is named after Dennis Rodman's boat). Quite a shame, though, that he lost his footwork after putting on a few pounds of weight. Shite, if he could trim down a bit he would probably be rookie of the year in the NFL. Damn, he's so charismatic, and that alone is the true measure of athletic greatness. If only that fat fcuk Shane Warne had more charisma he'd be less of a fat fcuking cnut and would likely be the world's best athlete rather than just second best.

 

[Fastshow]

12 pints of Guinness? Pansy.


I reckon Brian Lara could be rookie of the year in the NFL and still eat kebabs and drink absynthe every night. Fcuking mug's game.

Hopefully this update will reach you halfway through your first half pint of shandy, princess, you can nurse the rest until home-time......

England continued to toil without success at Headingley as New Zealand appeared on course to emulate recent Tests on this ground.

Having struck only once in 19 overs yesterday despite the helpful overcast conditions between the (padded, executive) showers, Michael Vaughan's men could not part overnight (fraternal, inseperable) pair Stephen Fleming and Michael Papps in the first half of the second day of the npower contest against New Zealand.

Although the heavy cloud cover should have suited England's four-pronged pace attack, the trend of the past two summers, when India and South Africa belied the conditions to post substantial first-innings totals, was extended.

Fleming and Papps smeared half-centuries as the tourists crept steadily to 162 for one by mid-afternoon, when the sun shone through the clouds for the first time (ever) in a weather-interrupted match.

Swing pair Matthew Hoggard and Martin Saggers, making his first international appearance in this country and opening for Michael Bublé in a fortnight's time at the Albert Hall, could not make the most of the movement on offer early on.

And mistakes littered the morning session; a mistake from wicketkeeper Geraint Jones allowed four byes (goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, seeya) while twice the ball flew through the slips for four from the edge of each batsman.

Opener Papps - recalled in place of broken-finger victim Craig McMillan whose finger, several hours later, remains broken - was also provided with a third life of his innings when Ashley Giles put down a flashed chance to gully off Andrew Flintoff.

Not even the prolific Harmison, who extracted considerable bounce from the Kirkstall Lane end in his Jolly Jumper, could add to the 31 wickets he collected in five Tests so far this year.

Fleming, who played on this ground for Yorkshire last season, got to his landmark first, off 107 balls while Papps spent three-and-a-half hours over his own half-century.

The frustration on the field spilled into the western stand at the revamped ground as spectators began ripping up newspapers which blew onto the square and twice delayed play. Hooligans.

P.S. They're not proper birds at The Odyssey, you know.

 

[Dapotayto]

P.S. They're not proper birds at The Odyssey, you know

Yes, thanks for the timely advice. A little sooner would be more helpful next time. And I'm sure there will be a next time.

So, help me out here would you. I can't read, speak or hear in old (olde? auld?) English. Please tell me in one word what exactly the fcuk is happening in the test match. Is England winning or no?

 

[Dapotayto]

Fcuking hell, I just realized after all this I don't even know who the hell England are playing. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I can get Lita's kid to decipher it all for me. If he's not too busy updating Einstein's Theory of Relativity that is.

 

[Fastshow]

Allowing for the fact you had a big (how big, sailor?) night last night and, based on your few years of posting on TTP, have clearly had a difficult life, I'll let you off. The word let, you will note, begins with an 'l' and not, as opposed to your exploits of last night, a 'g'.

If you take the time to scroll to the top of this thread on your Etch-a-sketch, you may notice England are competing (just) in the Second npower Test Match (from Headingley) against New Zealand.

England started out much like your chum Luc Van Lierde at a Mensa examination (or, indeed, on TTP); struggling, toiling, and purposeless.

The good news for you, however, is that since tea-time your man Saggers has been aflame and the current scorecard can be seen, should you choose to do so, here...... http://www.sportinglife.com/cricket/scorecard/6535.html

I imagine (almost constantly) England's resurgence came about at precisely the same moment the sackless Tim Henman remembered who he was and capitulated in pathetic fashion in the semi finals at Roland Garros.

Explaining whether England is winning in one word is an impossibility. They are neither winning nor are they losing. It's on a knife-edge.


Actually it isn't on a knife-edge at all, it's on Headingley Oval. I do my fcuking head in.

 

[Dapotayto]

Being the idiot I apparently am, I actually looked at that scorecard. Riveting stuff. Like reading a telephone book end-to-end is riveting. The scary fcuking thing is the match is in "first innings". Inning with an s. Which means there is more left to this titanic struggle than just the gigantic bag of shite I've already stepped in. Tell that useless cnut Saggers to put the teacup down, wipe the crumpet crackers off his all-whites and get the fcuk on with it would you.

 

[Fastshow]

I'm meant to be getting ready to go out but, since getting ready to go out in these modern times involves making one's hair appear as though one has just arisen from bed, notwithstanding the fact that a great number of 'men' these days spend more time doing their fcuking hair than they do asleep in bed, I shall neglect my golden locks and provide you with the following......



You know the big tent at the east end of the fairgrounds? Next to the show barn? Imagine it’s an oval filled with 90,000 Pakistanis who love to watch pie-eating—who love pie-eating more than football—even though it seems to the rest of us that eating pie would be a fairly unpleasant reminder of British Colonialism.

OK. Got it.

The area where the table is, where the pie-eaters sit, is called “the pitch.” At either end of the pitch is a line marking “the crease.” Now, let’s say that inside one of these creases, your pies are cooling on top of three sticks, which are called “stumps.” This contraption is called a “wicket” and there’s a man attempting to knock the wicket over by throwing a ball at it.

Is he the other pie-eater, trying to ruin my pies?

No, the other pie-eater is on your team, and he’s standing in front of his own wicket of pies at the other end of the pitch.

There are teams? That’s odd. You don’t usually see that in competitive pie-eating.

Right. So the guy from the other team is called a “bowler” and he’s trying to knock your pies down before you can eat them. He throws with an overhand motion, releasing the ball before he steps into the crease, usually bouncing the ball on the ground to make it harder for the pie-eater to pick up. To protect your pies, you have a bat, and when he throws the ball, you swing the bat and try to twat the ball away. If you hit it, you and the other pie-eater switch places and then you can eat one of his pies.

And I suppose he eats one of my pies.

Correct. And after you eat one, you switch places again, eat a pie, switch places, eat a pie, and so on until the other team throws the ball back into the pitch.

Do a lot of people get sick?

Sick? Why?

All that eating and running and eating and running. It seems like nausea would be a hazard.
Well, no. Not really. I’ll get to that in a minute.
Sorry.

That’s OK. But if you miss the ball with the bat, and the bowler knocks over your pies, you’re out, and another pie-eater from your team takes your place. You can also be called out if the other team catches your ball on the fly, or if the ball hits your body and the umpire rules that it otherwise would have knocked over your wicket. This is called “LBP,” or “Leg Before Pies.”

I see.

After ten of your players are out, your “innings” are over, and then it’s the other team’s turn.

And whoever eats the most pies wins?

Sort of. This is one way in which cricket is different from pie-eating. Pie-eating, as you know, is pretty much all about the pies—how much pie you eat, how fast you can eat it, that sort of thing. In cricket, you’re trying to score “runs” and you can do that by consuming pies, but also by hitting the ball across designated boundaries.

OK, I think I understand.

Great. Now all you need to do is imagine that there are no pies, and that the whole thing goes on for five days.

Wait a minute. No pies? No pies at all?

Well, I suppose you could bring a pie if you wanted—you know, for the other lads—but the point is that the presence of pie won’t have any bearing on the outcome of the match.

What about all the stuff you said about the pie-eaters switching places and eating each other’s pies?

Nope. They just run back and forth between the creases, switching places. And they’re called “batsmen.” There are no pies. You’re really going to have to get that through your head.

So what’s the point?

The point? I don’t think the rules say anything specifically about a point to it.

Why?

Because the point of eating pie is self-evident: free pie. I don’t see the point of hitting a ball with a bat and switching places with another guy.

You might as well ask what’s the point of any sport?

Well?
Oh. You’re one of those.

What? Who’s one of those?

You are.

Who are they?

Them. You.

Who?

All of you. You always have to bring reason into everything.

So?

Reasons are spoilers. Nasty things. Most people learn football or rugby or cricket when they’re children. As such, they don't ask why all the bloody time. If you expect there to be a “point” to a cricket match or a painting or a short essay written during Wednesday night’s episode of Coronation Street , you’ll be frequently disappointed.

Sorry.

That’s OK. How about a game of Hearts?

Fine. You’ll have to teach me.

It’s easy. You know how in the Sixties you had the British Invasion? You had The Beatles, The Stones, The Kinks, and The Who.

OK.

The Rolling Stones are trump. And Ray Davies is worth 13 points.
So I want Ray Davies.

No you don’t. That’s the thing.

Interesting…



That's me done and you'll have to tell Saggers yourself (see if your mate Christian Slater will do it for us....... oh look, yes, down there, yes, you dropped it, look, that name down there), I should think he's already out on the lash with the rest of the UK who I am to join in approximately T-4,3,2,1........

 

[Dapotayto]

Evidently, it's worse than I thought. Only five days of cricket? But...why can't they play every day? I think I understand cricket now. Really, though, you could tell me that on the fifth day of cricket, sheep fall from the sky while 90, 000 non pie-eating Pakistanis sit naked playing bongo drums and smoking joints, and I'd have to believe you. Just have to.

You know, you're not a bad writer. Have you ever thought about writing childrens stories? You could write about pies and not eating them as well as do some nice, quaint short stories about ex-wives and girlfriends and such. The kids would eat it up. Except for the pies of course because there are no fcuking pies. Or so you say. Regardless, the childrens literature genre is very lucrative and apparently anyone can just sign up and do it. Just look at Madonna.

 

[knvb]

Whole other comedic scale...

If you can stand to...



Cricket has never been so interesting, thank you. Though I fear your hair is probably a lost cause by now. The gel application to hair drying ratio must have lapsed minutes ago

 

[girth]

Cricket goes hand and hand with lawn bowling for me except cricket is brown guys in white clothes and lawn bowling is old white guys in white clothes. I believe cricket is for very bad baseball players that need one bounce from the pitcher to hit the ball.They can't even afford a glove in the field? Why the color white? Why not Blue or Red? Do the fans get to keep the ball if smacked over the One foot fence . Can they cork there bats? Would steroids help in the long ball?

 

[Fastshow]

Aren't you a lucky boy then, I've decided not to go out tonight after all (in reality..... where I do spend some time, albeit fleetingly...... my mate rang up to say his wheelchair was stuck between the kerb and the gutter down near Tower Bridge and, because he was already struggling with his manually-controlled defibrillator, his breathless message pissed me off....wheezy front-bottom of a spastic that he is) and, in deference to my Billy No Mates chum RangerForever, will spend this Friday night alone, um, in my (cold, damp) room, um on TTP.com. Going to a lovely BBQ tomorrow, though, so not to worry about me, as long as I can find the venue in one of the most dodgy parts of North London we'll be as right as rain. Funny I don't recognise the number of the text inviting me to the BBQ isn't it? Still, nothing to lose any sleep about, no one ever takes the piss out of Fastshow. Or me.

No one's ever suggested I could write well before (or do anything else well for that matter). Is your Premium Membership about to expire and self-destruct and this is your way of buttering me up before you join the AMSL amputees in attempting to win a free membership? Oh dear, dear me, I do hope not. Now I'm ever so anxious.

If it's all the same to you I'd rather not look at Madonna, thanks. Munting old scrote makes me feel physically ill. The way eating 54 pickled onions washed down with plum-flavoured Tang makes me feel ill. I must try to stop doing that.

Philosophically speaking, isn't writing on TTP tantamount to writing stories for children the majority of the time?

No cricket to report as it's 21:45 and all the cricketers will be out with their mates, sob, right about now, enjoying themselves and laughing deep, hearty belly laughs. You know, the way people do in films.

Go down to Brockton Oval (it's not all that far from The Odyssey). If there's cricket on have a shufty of it and see what it's all about. If there's no cricket going for you to watch, have a shufty at that heaping yellow mound across the inlet on the North Shore and try and explain to me why any self-respecting council would allow such an unholy eyesore to exist in a place of such natural beauty. Thanks, I've been anxious about that for some time now.

 

[Dapotayto]

Totally on topic

On second thought, you're a little long-winded to be writing children's stories. The German translation would be longer than a game of fcuking cricket.

I thought that "greedy, salad-dodging fatties" comment in the AMSL thread was a little offside. You can't go around saying things like that. It's just not cricket.

I had an epiphany at work today. I realized I didn't want to be there anymore today, so I went home. After huffing a lungrocket on the balcony and blasting my penultimate braincell (little bugger was tough, hung on for quite a while. I might have to analyze product quality) I assessed the situation and have come up with a brilliant plan. I will go to Kits beach and look at chicks. Hopefully there's some hotties. I don't want to see any with legs like a cricket.