Police arrest two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head .... Alarmed , a shop assistant calls out : " Can I help, sir ?" " No thanks, " says the blind bloke. " Just looking ."
A woman walked int a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked " Say there, whatca doin' with that pig ? "
" That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. " that's a duck."
" I know, " replied the drunk. " I was talking to the duck. "
A man gets on the skytrain and sits next to a blonde reading a book titled Sex Statistics. " Any good?" he asks " Fascinating - did you know American Indians have the widest penises, and Polishmen the longest, by the way my name is Jane " " hi ' " he says. " I'm Tonto Palwaski. "
a gentleman walks into his psychologists office wearing absolutley nothing except some saran wrap around his mid section.........as he waddles into the office, his doctor says to him. "Sir....I can clearly see your nuts."
A man walks into a bar carrying a battered suitcase and orders a cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and says, " hey pal, it's none of my business , but what don you have in the case? "
without saying a word , the man opens tha case and out pops a little man, about afoot high . He runs across the bar, jumps down to the floor , runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He is pounding out incredible piano music, and people begin peeking in from the street to see who this guy is! Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better business than he has in years. " hey that guy is great ! " he says to the man with the case. " Where did you get him? " " I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids, " the man replies. " It was very hot so I leaned against the pyramid to rest . The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would grant just one wish. " " That's incredible, " said the bartender , " do you think it is still there? " " oh, it's still there," the man said , " but I have have to warn you that when you make your wish, be sure to speak very slowly and clearly and enunciate each word. " Well it works, right ? " asked the bartender. " You got your wish did'nt you ? " " Tell me , " the man replied wearily, " do you really think I would wish for a twelve in PIANIAST ? "
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her . She asks him why he is staring and he replies, " I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. " She answers " My dear son, you cannot offend me. When your as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
" Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. " She responds, " Well. lets see what we can do about that : # 1 , you have to be single and # 2 you have to be Catholic. "
The cab driver is very excited and says , " Yes , I am single and I'm Catholic too ! " the nun says , " OK, pull into the next alley. " He does and fufills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.
" My dear child. " says the nun, " Why are you crying ? " " Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist. " " That's okay, " says the nun , " My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party and I'm drunk ! "
One fine mornining in Eden , God was looking for Adam and Eve , but could'nt find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, " This morning Eve and I made love for the first time. "
God said, " Adam, you have sinned . I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now ? "
Adam replied, " She's down at the river, washing herself out . "
" Damm, " says God, " now all the fish will smell funny ! "