Really BAD JOKES - Just for a laugh !

Linderbran

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Police arrest two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head .... Alarmed , a shop assistant calls out : " Can I help, sir ?" " No thanks, " says the blind bloke. " Just looking ."

A woman walked int a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked " Say there, whatca doin' with that pig ? "
" That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. " that's a duck."
" I know, " replied the drunk. " I was talking to the duck. "

A man gets on the skytrain and sits next to a blonde reading a book titled Sex Statistics. " Any good?" he asks " Fascinating - did you know American Indians have the widest penises, and Polishmen the longest, by the way my name is Jane " " hi ' " he says. " I'm Tonto Palwaski. "
 

The Teacher

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another groaner

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It slipped.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It slipped.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure.

terrible, i know...:rolleyes:
 

the manager

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a gentleman walks into his psychologists office wearing absolutley nothing except some saran wrap around his mid section.........as he waddles into the office, his doctor says to him. "Sir....I can clearly see your nuts."
 

Linderbran

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A man walks into a bar carrying a battered suitcase and orders a cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and says, " hey pal, it's none of my business , but what don you have in the case? "
without saying a word , the man opens tha case and out pops a little man, about afoot high . He runs across the bar, jumps down to the floor , runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He is pounding out incredible piano music, and people begin peeking in from the street to see who this guy is! Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better business than he has in years. " hey that guy is great ! " he says to the man with the case. " Where did you get him? " " I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids, " the man replies. " It was very hot so I leaned against the pyramid to rest . The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would grant just one wish. " " That's incredible, " said the bartender , " do you think it is still there? " " oh, it's still there," the man said , " but I have have to warn you that when you make your wish, be sure to speak very slowly and clearly and enunciate each word. " Well it works, right ? " asked the bartender. " You got your wish did'nt you ? " " Tell me , " the man replied wearily, " do you really think I would wish for a twelve in PIANIAST ? "
 

Linderbran

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A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her . She asks him why he is staring and he replies, " I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. " She answers " My dear son, you cannot offend me. When your as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

" Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. " She responds, " Well. lets see what we can do about that : # 1 , you have to be single and # 2 you have to be Catholic. "

The cab driver is very excited and says , " Yes , I am single and I'm Catholic too ! " the nun says , " OK, pull into the next alley. " He does and fufills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.

" My dear child. " says the nun, " Why are you crying ? " " Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist. " " That's okay, " says the nun , " My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party and I'm drunk ! "
 

Linderbran

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Hey I get no fcucking respect..............

I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof !!


On Halloween....the parents send their kids out lookin like me. Last year..one kid tried to rip my face off !! Now it's different....when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face !

My wife made me join a bridge club.... I jump off next tuesday !

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor....so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said... On your mark.....

I went into a freak show...and they let me in for nothing !!
 

Linderbran

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What three football clubs have swear words in their names ?

- Arsenal , S****horpe and F **cking Man U

What is the difference between Coventry and the Bermuda Triangle ?

_ the Bermuda triangle has three more points !
 

Linderbran

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Hey where are the rest of ya farts' jokes !

Yo ya bloody wankin pooftas , we need some bad jokes from the rest of ya whinnin, complaining , back seat driver , sidelining wannabe footbal haggarts !!

Well here some more for ya bleeding ball breakers !!

What has four legs, is big , green, fuzzy , and , if it fell out of a tree it would kill ya ? ........

- a pool table

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup ? .....

-anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs ?....

- right where ya left him.

How do crazy people go through the forest?

- they take a physco path.

What do you get from a pampered cow ?
- spoiled milk.

How do you get holy water ?
-boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long ?

- Polaroids

What did the fish say when he a concrete wall ?

- " DAM !! "

What do you call a frog that is illegally parked ?

- Toad :knvb: :knvb: :knvb: :knvb: :knvb:
 

Linderbran

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This is classic

One fine mornining in Eden , God was looking for Adam and Eve , but could'nt find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, " This morning Eve and I made love for the first time. "

God said, " Adam, you have sinned . I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now ? "

Adam replied, " She's down at the river, washing herself out . "

" Damm, " says God, " now all the fish will smell funny ! "
 

PNE

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Q - What's the difference between an egg & a wank ?
A - You can beat an egg.

Q - Why is sperm white & urine yellow ?
A - So Newfys can tell if they are coming or going.

Q - Why are turds tapered ?
A - So your ass doesn't shut with a bang.
 

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