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Moral of the story is...

Regs

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A man spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ashtray from an old car.

He opens it and out pops a genie....
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie, "you know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this" says the man. "I'm not going to trust a car salesman!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

**POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If a car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be a string attached.
 

Regs

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When in doubt, drink heavily

If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

If you had bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily...
 

Regs

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but noticed how beautiful John's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"

Several days later, John received an email from his Mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Lesson of the day ..... Don't Lie to Your Mother
 

Regs

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Management Lessons

Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?".

The crow answered: Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson?
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson?
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons?
1) Not everyone who drops shite on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shite is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shite, keep your mouth shut!
 

Demolition

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Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man?

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man?


Q: Dear Mr. Abby: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and

me
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is
only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too?
If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends
without you. If you're still not sure, then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
> > > >
Q .Dear Mr. Abby: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.


Q.Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.The man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out
chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more
peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle a relationship
better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean
the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he
returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you
and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q.Dear Mr. Abby: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may
wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband
as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him
and cook him a delicious meal.

Q.Dear Mr. Abby: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay.What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you
should he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so
selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and
cook him a nice meal.


Q.Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook
him a nice meal.
 

Keeper

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Potentially v. Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
 

SC

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Who can understand men?...

Not sure if I CAN say this is true or not, but I am NOT looking for comments. This one is for the ladies (all three other TTPers)!+SC
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman’s job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
:confused: :eek:
 

knvb

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I though this best fit here

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.""That's nothing",says Sean,"here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died. "just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stonemarker,and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
 

Demolition

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Coppertone and Apprentice won't appreciate this one

Four hockey fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each climber
happened to be a dedicated fan of a different NHL team, and each proclaimed himself to be the most loyal of all the fans of their hockey team. As they climbed higher, they began to argue
about which among them was the most loyal of all. The arguments continued all the way up the mountainside, until finally, they reached the summit where the Climber from
Vancouver took a running jump and hurled himself from
the top of the mountain, shouting "This is for the Vancouver
Canucks!" as he fell to his death. Not wanting to be out done, the climber from Calgary threw himself off the
mountain, shouting "This is for the Calgary Flames!" as he too,
fell to his death. Seeing this, the Boston climber, and fan of
the Bruins, walked over to the other climber and shouted "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Montreal Canadiens fan off the side of the Mountain.
 

Demolition

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finally a mans point of view

Subject: Enough Already!
>
>Finally, something written from a guy's perspective.
>
>TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:
>
>1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
>
>2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color
>
>3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
>
>4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
>
>5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
>
>6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
>
>7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.
>
>8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
>
>9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
>
>10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
>
>11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
>
>12.) Crying is blackmail.
>
>13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
>
>14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
>
>15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
>
>16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
>
>17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>
>18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
>
>19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
>21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.
>
>22.) Check your oil.
>
>23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
>
>24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
>25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
>26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
>27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
>
>28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
>
>29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
>
>30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.
>
>31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
>32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
>
>Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!
 

tiner

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demolition - aaaalllll class, and true!!!

A fine philosophy on life

A philosophy professor started his class by placing some rocks into an empty jar. He then asked the students was the jar full?

They agreed that it was. So the professor then added some pebbles to the jar and they filled some of the empty spaces. He then asked was the jar full - the students laughed and said that it was. He then filled the rest of the spaces with sand.

"Now" , he said, " I want you to realise that this is your life. the rocks are the important things in your life like family , your partner etc. Things that if everything else was lost your life would still be full. The small stuff , if you put the sand in first , there would be no room for the rocks or pebbles. Take care of the rocks first"

But then....A student took the jar that they had all agreed was full and poured in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the jar.
The moral to this story is: That no matter how full your life is there is always room for beer.
mmmmmmmm...........beeer:cool:
 

Fastshow

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.........

36 True Things

1/ moles are always smaller than you imagine
2/ beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child
3/ one of the most awkward things things that can happen
in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle becomes
synchronised with a complete stranger
4/ your'e never quite sure whether to eat a green crisp
5/ everyone who grew up in the 80s has entered the digits
55378008 (or 5814) into a calculator
6/ reading when drunk is horrible
7/ sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you really feel manly
8/ your'e never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden
9/ whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag
is almost impossible to resist
10/ nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
11/ you never know where to look when eating an apple
or a banana if your'e a woman
12/ prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly
13/ it's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat

14/ rummaging through an overgrown garden always turns up
a bouncy ball
15/ you always feel scared when stroking a horse
16/ everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school
17/ the most embarrasing thing you can do as a schoolkid is to
call your teacher mum or dad
18/ the smaller the monkey the more it looks like it'll kill
you at the 1st given opportunity
19/ some days you see lots of people on crutches
20/ every bloke at some stage while having a piss has flushed
half way through to race the flush
21/ old women with mobile phones look wrong
22/ it's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a frisbee
23/ driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited
24/ you never run out of salt
25/ old ladies eat more than you think
26/ you can't respect a man who carries a dog
27/ no one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
28/ despite constant warnings you have never met anyone who
has broke an arm by a swan
29/ there's no panic like the panic you momentarilly feel when you think you've got your hand or head stuck somewhere
30/ the most painful household incident is wearing socks
& standing on an upturned plug
31/ people who dont drive slam car doors too hard
32/ you've turned into your dad the day you put aside a piece of
wood to specifically stir the paint
33/ everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
34/ bricks are horrible to carry
35/ in every plate of chips there's a bad chip
36/ triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones


 

Fastshow

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Regs's swear-o-meter will love this cut 'n' paste jobby....

Subject: Dear Employees:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > > It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
> > > > > throughout the company have been using foul language during the
> > course
> > of
> > > > > normal conversation with their coworkers.
> > > > > Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
> > > offended,
> > > > > this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do
> > however;
> > > > > realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express
> > your
> > > > > feelings when communicating with coworkers.
> > > > > Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so
> > that
> > > > > proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
> > > > > manner.
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > Perhaps I can work late.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > And when the **** do you expect me to do this?
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I'm certain that isn't feasible.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > No ****ing way.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > Really?
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > You've got to be shitting me!
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > Perhaps you should check with...
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > Tell someone who gives a shite.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I wasn't involved in the project.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > It's not my ****ing problem.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > That's interesting.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > What the ****?
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I'm not sure this can be implemented.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > This shite won't work.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I'll try to schedule that.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > He's not familiar with the issues.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > He's got his head up his ass.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > Excuse me, sir?
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > Eat shite and die.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > So you weren't happy with it?
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > Kiss my ass.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > **** it, I'm on salary.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I don't think you understand.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > Shove it up your ass.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I love a challenge.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > This job sucks.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > You want me to take care of that?
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > Who the hell died and made you boss?
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I see.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > Blow me.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > He's somewhat insensitive.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > He's a prick.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > She's an aggressive go-getter.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > She's a ball-busting bitch.
> > > > >
> > > > > TRY SAYING:
> > > > > I think you could use more training.
> > > > > INSTEAD OF:
> > > > > You don't know what the **** you're doing.
> > > > >
> > > > > Thank You,
> > > > > Human Resources
 

Regs

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Burger King it is then

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Contrarily, the French have lots of fat in their diets and also suffer fewer heart attacks than either the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat what ever the hell you want. It's speaking English that kills you.
 

Fastshow

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.............

> A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend and as they had
> > > not
> > > been dating for very long he decided after careful consideration that a
> > > pair
> > > of gloves would strike the right note - thoughtful, but not too personal.
> > >
> > > Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to Harrods and bought a
> > > dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
> > > herself at the same time.
> > >
> > > During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items, the sister
> got
> > > the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the
> > > contents
> > > the man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note:
> > >
> > > "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
>
> > > any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister
> I
> > > would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short
> ones
> > > that are easier to remove.
> > >
> > > "These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from showed
> > > me
> > > the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were
> > > hardly
> > > soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and although they were a
> > > little tight, they looked really smart. She told me that the material
> > > helps
> > > to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she hasn't had to wash it since
> > > she began wearing them.
> > >
> > > "I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will
> > > touch them before I get the chance to see you again. When you take them
> > > off, remember to blow into them before putting them away, as they will
> > > naturally be a little damp from wearing.
> > >
> > > "Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year. I
> > > hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
> > >
> > > "PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
> showing"
 

Demolition

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50 cool things about being a man

50 Cool Things About Being a Man:

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's-ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ... More pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.

13. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything
different?"

19. One mood, all the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

25. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be
friends.

28. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

30. Everything on your face stays its original color.

31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming.

34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking "he must be mad at me."

35. No maxi-pads.

36. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.

39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

40. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.

41. You almost never have strap problems in public.

42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

44. You don't have to shave below your neck.

45. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

47. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.

50. The world is your urinal
 

Fastshow

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pure fcuking genius...wittier than Dazza at a comedian convention...

What follows is a real application from a student received by a colleague at Southampton Uni.

3A ESSAY: In order for the admissions staff of our University to get to know you, the applicant, we ask that you answer the following question:

Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped define you as a person?

A: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas and manage time effectively. On occasion I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook thirty-minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen yet I receive fan mail like my idol Fastshow. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with unerring accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prize-winning clams.

I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Winston Churchill.

But I have not yet gone to this University.
 

handcannon

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Oct 13, 2001
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my sides!

Quintessential commedy fastshow, bravo!

A rich man and a poor man both try to hail the same taxi in New York. They both get in from opposite sides, and discover that the other is in a hurry to get home, because it is their wife's birthday.

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for her birthday.

The Rich man replies, "A diamond ring and a mercedes-benz"

"Wow" says the poor man, "why both?"

"Well, if she doesn't like the ring, at least she can return it in her new car!", said the rich man. "What about you, what did you get your wife?"

The poor man coyly responds, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

"Really, why is that?" asked the rich man.

"Well," said the poor man, "if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go and fcuk herself!!!"

HC
 

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