Blonds

Dude

Lifetime Better Bastard
Est
Jul 23, 2001
Messages
15,271
Reaction score
3,738
Location
Where my kids are
Tokens
9,103
Dirty Money
100
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though
she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts
the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs
into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot
seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms
around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side
of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its
slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts
to leap away from the horse and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in
the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heros.
 

Dude

Lifetime Better Bastard
Est
Jul 23, 2001
Messages
15,271
Reaction score
3,738
Location
Where my kids are
Tokens
9,103
Dirty Money
100
Phone home

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". Hmmmm...........
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect)
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees". She did.
"Now take down my zipper". She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered
"Well...go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it......and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........



"Hello, mum can you hear me?"
 

Demolition

Member
Est
Sep 4, 2001
Messages
972
Reaction score
0
Location
Over there
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business

has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that

she decides to ask God for help.



She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I

don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win

the lottery."



Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays. "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my

business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."



Lottery night comes and Brandi still has no luck.



Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my

business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask

you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let

me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."



Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi

is confronted by the voice of God Himself... "Brandi, work with me on this.

Buy a ticket."
 

Demolition

Member
Est
Sep 4, 2001
Messages
972
Reaction score
0
Location
Over there
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when
his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the
house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed
back in the house. A little later she came out of
her house again went to the mail box and again opened
it,
slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn,
here she came out again, marched to the mail box,
opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"
 

5bigtoes

Member
Est
Jul 21, 2001
Messages
980
Reaction score
5
Location
Delta
Tokens
1
Dirty Money
5
More Blond Bashing

Subject: Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a tepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small table
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
 

Skytrain

Member
Est
Aug 16, 2001
Messages
877
Reaction score
0
Location
guarding the cooler
Tokens
8
Dirty Money
100
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair
brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left
leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash
vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a
Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on
the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't
want it blown around too much.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
 

Regs

Staff member
Total Bastard
Est
Jun 28, 2001
Messages
27,570
Reaction score
14,075
Location
North Surrey
Tokens
9,177
Dirty Money
30,099
Getting caught

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
 

Keeper

New Member
Est
Jul 3, 2001
Messages
5,512
Reaction score
3
Location
-
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
READ FIRST, THEN OPEN PICTURE

The other day I was in the Auto Zone part store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."

"What does it do?"

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

The Counter Clerk gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture. So She makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.


Question: Was she a blonde?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
 

Regs

Staff member
Total Bastard
Est
Jun 28, 2001
Messages
27,570
Reaction score
14,075
Location
North Surrey
Tokens
9,177
Dirty Money
30,099
Wasn't that posted on TTP a couple of days ago? I could of sworn I saw it on here.

Note: it wasn't particularly funny the second time around either :rolleyes:

~TB.
 

Jinky

New Member
Est
Jun 30, 2001
Messages
3,120
Reaction score
3
Location
locally
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
Didn't keeper think that up all by himself?

Surely he doesn't just cut and paste all of his posts does he?
 

Regs

Staff member
Total Bastard
Est
Jun 28, 2001
Messages
27,570
Reaction score
14,075
Location
North Surrey
Tokens
9,177
Dirty Money
30,099
Brown Paper Bag

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
 

Regs

Staff member
Total Bastard
Est
Jun 28, 2001
Messages
27,570
Reaction score
14,075
Location
North Surrey
Tokens
9,177
Dirty Money
30,099
Cut The Crap

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
 

striker14

Well-Known Member
Est
Jul 29, 2002
Messages
1,720
Reaction score
42
Location
left right out
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
What's closer?

A blond decides to take an astronomy class at BCIT.

The teacher is discussing the moon, and he says to the class, "what do you think is closer from here...the Moon or Whistler?"

The blond raises her hand, and the Teacher says, "yes...do you have the answer?"

She says, "silly...you can't see Whistler!" :rolleyes:
 

Spazz

New Member
Est
Oct 10, 2001
Messages
782
Reaction score
3
Location
Slurrey
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
This is the joke thread Striker14.... don't know if you blond's can read & understand that but your personal little episodes don't belong here!

... where's the moderator's when you need them?? :rolleyes:

:D Spazz
 

peter

Member
Est
Jul 20, 2001
Messages
884
Reaction score
16
Location
Vancouver
Tokens
5
Dirty Money
100
BLIND MAN IN A LADIES BAR

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind ˆ that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah -

Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 

BlazeArmy

Not Bright
Est
Dec 13, 2002
Messages
3,049
Reaction score
3
Location
Club 'Ding
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
A blonde, wanting to earn some money,decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50, gave it to her and said he'd call her whenever he had another job for her to do.
The blond thanked him and as she was walking back down the path, she called out "And by the way, I know everybody thinks blondes are stupid, but I thought you should know that it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 

Members online

Latest posts

Top