News of the World

[max blink]

Groom Killed By Stripper's Boobs
Wednesday January 16, 2002


GENEVA - A fun-filled bachelor party at a strip club turned deadly when a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was enjoying the attentions of a well-endowed stripper suffocated while his face was buried in her breasts.

The mind-boggling drama unfolded, say cops, while Daniel Greene was attending his bachelor party at the Pretty Kitty strip club.

The club had been rented out for the private affair.

According to investigators, Greene was enjoying a lap dance when disaster struck: One of the strippers, Kandy Kane, got too into her performance and suffocated the man between her 72-DD breasts.

Witnesses said that Greene had had his fair share of beer, but didn't seem out-of-control.

When the song "I'm Too Sexy" began to play, Greene became excited and began to dance on the tabletop, hooting and hollering, pals said, "like an idiot."

Miss Kane, apparently pleased to see someone enjoying her choice in music, moved in closer.

When Greene took his seat, she began giving him a lap dance, shaking her breasts in his face.

The more she shook, the deeper Greene got lost in her cleavage.

"Daniel was having so much fun," partygoer John Gillman said.

"We all thought he loved being in that gal's chest.

"Who could have known that when he was waving his hands around, he was signaling for help?"

Cheering onlookers eventually realized that Greene was no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane's breasts.

Now Greene's family is suing Miss Kane and the Pretty Kitty for wrongful death.

Greene's father, George, won't specify the amount they are suing for, but claims that it isn't about the money.

"Those breasts were lethal weapons," he told reporters.

"The Pretty Kitty should not have allowed Miss Kane to have her bust enhanced to the size that she did.

"We hope that by filing this lawsuit, we can send a message to other strippers: keep your bra size within a reasonable range."

Kandy Kane made a statement through her attorneys: "I thought he liked it in there. "

The Pretty Kitty declined comment.

 

[SC]

Originally posted by max blink

According to investigators, Greene was enjoying a lap dance when disaster struck: One of the strippers, Kandy Kane, got too into her performance and suffocated the man between her 72-DD breasts.

The more she shook, the deeper Greene got lost in her cleavage.

Kandy Kane made a statement through her attorneys: "I thought he liked it in there. "
.

I taught her everything she knows! (I have tears in my eyes I am laughing so hard)

+SCisinand OUTanddoesn'tknowwhyanyonewouldwantotbeTHATbig

 

[Keeper]

Six Feet Deep
Tuesday, April 23, 2002

"Let not the waterflood overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut her mouth upon me." - Psalms 69:15

"Oh, woe!" sing the angels up above, and "Whoa!" sings the burning in my loins, as the Heavenly Father summons another of his most beautiful creatures back unto the folds of His cosmic orgy. Last night, Linda Lovelace, star of the seminal 1972 hamspanker Deep Throat, passed away at Denver Health Medical Center due to complications suffered in an April 3rd car accident.

Though past her prime and long-since retired by the dawning of my self-gratification era (an era which, by the way, is still in full-swing), Linda's untimely passing has weighed heavily on my heart nonetheless. A Newton to my Einstein, her pioneering efforts in the field of fellatiorial physics laid the groundwork for my theories in Astroglide/Kleenex relativity, and planted the seeds from which many a bright-eyed, young starlet would blossom to full-blown pornoslut.

Purportedly an unwilling participant in her on-screen festivities, Linda claimed to have never made a cent off the estimated $600 million adult cinematic landmark, but I ask you: can one truly put a price tag on infamy? What's half a billion dollars really worth when compared to the billions, indeed trillions, of chromosome squid beached on old socks and crusty stag theater seats in recognition of your talents? To be immortalized next to G. Gordon Liddy in the annals of history (note how I chose the high-road, and avoided the obvious sexual pun) is an honor few can claim, but to be the gritty, flickering image looping in the back of every post-pubescent male's mind as he watches a woman eat a corndog, well, that's the stuff of legend, my friends.

So, dear Linda, I wish you well on your future journeys as a spirit being, and bemoan never having experienced your physical being while it was still warm. Perchance, if I find my way to the pearly gates, we can rendezvous behind the parking lot and you can show me how you did that gag-suppression trick with John Holmes in scene 3 of Exotic French Fantasies.

 

[Captain Shamrock]

Not about boobs but funny nonetheless

Want to tour Belfast? Take a tank

BELFAST (Reuters) - Tourists wanting to take in the hot-spots of Belfast now have a fail-safe way to do so.


A pair of entrepreneurs from the city have bought two half-century-old British military armoured cars to drive tourists round.


"We found them on the Internet," one of the pair, Art Corbett, told Reuters. "Tourists love it, it's pandemonium!"


Although they were brought over from Britain, the Humber Pig and Saladin vehicles both served in Northern Ireland during the "Troubles" in which more than 3,000 people have been killed. Despite running on wheels, they are thick-plated and called "tanks" by Belfast people.


While the 1998 Good Friday agreement has not ended violence altogether in the province, it has paved the way for a mini-tourism boom.


Taxi and bus companies already run special tours though the most hardcore Protestant and Catholic neighbourhoods of Belfast, including stop-offs at the so-called "peace walls" put up by the military to keep fighting communities apart.


Corbett said the vehicles, which cost 10,000 pounds to buy, were also proving popular with locals who were hiring them for weddings and special events.


"What we're doing is helping to alleviate the pain," he said, failing to disguise his sentiments as a Catholic republican. "Before, no one would go anywhere near these vehicles without fear."


So what did the army make of it all?


"At first they thought it was a joke when they saw us on the streets. They were gob-smacked," Corbett said. "But we've got all the right papers, so they just have to accept it."

 

[tiner]

darwin award.

not yet confirmed by darwin

Drop of a Hat
Darwin Award
2002, Kansas | Just outside of Wichita, a 21-year old farm boy was driving a grain harvester across his winter wheat field to collect the crop. This particular piece of farm equipment has huge rotating blades that cut down the wheat stalks. At some point during the harvesting, the driver's cowboy hat was blown off by the wind and hurtled some distance in front of the blades.

Thinking that the tractor was not moving fast enough to warrant stopping -- or perhaps just not thinking at all -- he jumped down and ran in front of the tractor to collect his hat. It was still being blown around by the wind, and after chasing it for a bit, he finally caught up with it. Meanwhile, the harvester had caught up with him, and his body was found scattered across the wheat field.

Local authorities were contacted by a neighbor who noticed the tractor crossing Highway 96 with no driver.
Wichita Eagle, Argonia Farm Chronicles

 

[kurgan]

Croatian/English translation

Might be useful on the sidelines on day to figure out what the old geezers are yelling...

Developer: Carnegie Mellon University

Imagine someone who speaks only Croatian easily conversing with someone who speaks only English. This has nearly become a reality at Carnegie Mellon's Language Technologies Institute, thanks to a research project known as Tongues. The triptych of linguistic applications runs on a mini-notebook, listening to speech in one language and spitting out a speech translation in another.

"We actually took the system to Zagreb and recruited random Croatian volunteers to talk to American officers," says Robert Frederking, the chair of graduate programs at the institute and teacher at Carnegie Mellon's renowned computer science department since 1989. He's spent the last few years working on Tongues' machine translation engine. "Half the time, they could actually carry on a productive conversation."

Tongues is almost epic in scope. It includes a speech recognizer, which turns spoken words into text; a machine translator, which converts the text from one language to another; and a speech synthesizer, which turns the text back into audible words. For conversations to flow in both directions, each engine must work in both languages being translated.

The speech recognizer, known as Sphinx, and the speech synthesizer, known as Festival, have been in development for years. Sphinx is an open-source platform developed at Carnegie Mellon in the early 1990s. When Frederking and his team began the Tongues project, Sphinx was fairly adept at understanding English, but very little work had been done with foreign languages. So they spent several weeks teaching it Croatian.

"In order to understand a particular language, you have to record data in each language that covers all possible phonetics in all possible contexts and build a fresh model in the Sphinx framework," says Alan Black, a Tongues researcher.

Black was recruited from the University of Edinburgh, where he had helped develop Festival, the speech synthesizer, which is also an open-source platform. Much like Sphinx, Festival was originally written for use with English but provides a framework that allowed Tongues researchers to construct an adequate Croatian engine.

The team built the system's translator using a technique known as example-based machine translation. Essentially, they created a database that holds a massive list of English phrases and their Croatian equivalents, culling data from bilingual Internet sites and university textbooks. When the engine receives a text phrase in one language, it provides the equivalent text in the other.

CDK might also note the use of the word 'triptych' and explain it in the Big Words thread for me.

 

[hammerhead]

Who Knew????

LONDON (Reuters) - Want to be more attractive? -- then make sure those around you are having a drink.



Scientists have found even modest amounts of alcohol will make the opposite sex appear better-looking.

"We have carried out experiments which show that what is known in the trade as the 'beer-goggle effect' does actually exist," Barry Jones, professor of psychology at Glasgow University, told Reuters on Monday.

The study of 120 male and female students found drinking up to four units of alcohol -- about two pints (one litre) of beer or four glasses of wine -- increased the perceived attractiveness of members of the opposite sex by about 25 percent.

Jones said alcohol apparently stimulates a part of the brain called the nucleus accumbens, which judges facial attractiveness.

"There is a strong link between facial attractiveness and signals about the quality of a potential mate," Jones said.

The professor said the study had been prompted by the causal link between risky sex and alcohol consumption.

Its findings come at a time when young people are increasingly binge drinking, which has serious health risks.

 

[Hands of Stone]

Re: Who Knew????

Originally posted by Hammerhead
LONDON (Reuters) - Want to be more attractive? -- then make sure those around you are having a drink.

Scientists have found even modest amounts of alcohol will make the opposite sex appear better-looking.

'beer-goggle effect' does actually exist

Its findings come at a time when young people are increasingly binge drinking, which has serious health risks.

If the youth are increasingly binge drinking then the popultion must be getting uglier.
This is what I get from this study, but I must do more research to be sure of my findings.
Off to the Roxy

HOSthinksBeerGogglesareaGoodThing

 

[Keeper]

Illogical hypothesis

If the youth are increasingly binge drinking then the popultion must be getting uglier.

That isn't necessarily so. For the population to become uglier, you'd have to postulate that ugly drunk people are having sex more often than sober and drunk attractive people combined.

I imagine alcohol merely allows ugly people to achieve the average copulatory frequency. Therefore, the only other increased source of ugly offspring may be due to possible genetic mutations caused by increased alcohol consumption by both ugly and attractive people alike.

Sincerely,
Paul Ehrlich