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Keeper

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This seems appropriate given the post above. I wouldn't be surprised if this was penned by Fastshow.
I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - It's because of poncy names. That's what it is. Remember in the old days, when footy players kicked a fcuking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire? Well, in them days players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy. Fcuking tough names for tough men, them was.

And what do we have now? Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie. Fcuking tarts' names, they are. Great big fcuking puffs. No wonder the ball's like a fcuking balloon and shin pads is like slices of bread. In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks.

Fcuking shinpads in them days was made out of library books, and socks was like sackclo! th. Same with the jerseys. Fcuking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Fcuk off.

Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a fcuking tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he fcuking did. No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them. And they never used to show their arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He'd have got one of them size 10 hobnail fcukers up his basturt chuff.

Fcuking therapy for stress my àrsé! Stan Collymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off with stress counselling. What the fcuk is that all about? In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, specially after a bad defeat. And the wome! n used to expect it, and so they should have. They was lucky to be married to footballers.

Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife and was out of action for three month. Soft tuwàt. Archie MacShitt of Port Vale got run over with horse and cart one Friday night and he still turned out against Bradford the following day. And he scored two goals. That's cos his name wasn't "Trevor". Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any "stress counselling"? Did he bollox!

And drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh, no. In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off and you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up class A narcotics.

Goal celebrations? Don't talk to me about goal celebrati! ons. Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh! I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner. Handshakes...and that was all you got. That and a wànc in the showers afterwards. But it was a proper wank...all man stuff. None of these puffy wàncs between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Greame Le Saux and Stephen Gerrard. Allegedly.

In them days, there was nowt wrong with it cos it didn't mean nowt. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match. But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen.

Aye. I know. Me dad told me.

Sixty grand a fcuking week! Ha! I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence. Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get...a month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It's true, you know. Fcuking is. Playe! rs had to work them days just to make up their money. Not like today. Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as Old Trafford sh!t house cleaner. He had to go off during one game because some cnut had built a log cabin and blocked the U-bend. And that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it. So I say we start calling kids real male names again.

If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names and shyte names like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time? The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and fcuking Chesney. Fcuk that! Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf. And let's get the puffs out of the game once and for all.

I thank you.
 

Fastshow

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jumpers for goalposts...........

This may take you the best part of the day to read but it's worth the investment of time. Plus, you're being paid to do it so stop fcuking whingeing.


Subject: School Footie

Duration
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the
nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal
punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom.
In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to
stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those
who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down
the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as "chancers",
and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to
physically retrieve them, known as "bampots".
This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match
in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number
of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the
sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order
that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime,
for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell
onslaught of five bampots against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be the
matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners
(see Adjudication).

Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of
jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout
the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing
weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each
jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on
the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is
also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across
the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the
post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve
denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post.
The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any
respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with
resourcefulness and imagination.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is
observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at
which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie
with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the
"best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical
violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.
There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the
boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings - to roads
or burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines
are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a
scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the
ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should
escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the now
egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a dismembered
foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for the
player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on
goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the ball
is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper should also try not to be
distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted
by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads,
water hazards or "a big dug", the width is determined by how far out the
attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up
and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting,
often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the
playing area is "no' a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to
justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct
free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will
incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

The Ball
There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football. I
shall describe three notable examples.
1. The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily
in the early part of the season and seldom after that due to having burst.
Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that year's
Premier League sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting factor,
low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball game.
Disadvantages: over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to
control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to
return.
2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o' War. On
the verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not
for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a
kind of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed
with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite
grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won't even attempt to
catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.
3. The "Tubey". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over
colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on concrete,
but owners can never remember when. Adored bye verybody, especially
keepers. Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a satisfying
"whump" noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into medicine ball
when wet, smells like a dead dog.

Offside
There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size pitch",
and two, none of the players actually know what offside is.
The lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of
strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play
carries on at the other end,a waiting a long pass forward out of defence
which they can help past the keeper before running the entire length of
the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly imaginary adulation.
These are known variously as "poachers"," gloryhunters" and "fly wee
bastarts". These players display a remarkable degree of self-security,
seemingly happy in their own appraisals of their achievements, and caring
little for their team-mates' failure to appreciate the contribution they
have made. They know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable
goal tallies that they are so bitterly despised.

Adjudication
The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the
opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted
ways of doing this.
1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by
both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with
the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into "a
pure skoosh". For example, in the event of a dispute as to whether the ball
in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or "over" the
post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum: "Penalty or goal." It is
not recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on
occasions that such arrangements or ultimata do not prove acceptable to
both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.
2. Fighting. Those up on their ancient Hellenic politics will understand
that the concept we know as" justice" rests in these circumstances with the
hand of the strong. What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is
just, for who shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical
principles that the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively
elected.

Team Selection
To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in
a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man
selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are
usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their
first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair
balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don't have
their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding
noses.
They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic order,
selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not forgetting
that while there is a sliding scale of players' ability, there is also a
sliding scale of players' brutality and propensities towards motiveless
violence. As electing captain might baffle a talented striker by picking
the less nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the
words of Linden B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head
of the FBI, that he'd "rather have him inside the tent p1ssing out, than
outside the tent p1ssing in".
Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the
owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be "his gemme", and he
must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at
being picked late and withdraws his favours.
Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with
the game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will
inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior game,
where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the
playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados must
appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are
looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be
listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and
anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the wee
bugger between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up
the other end.

Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from
among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground
side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.
This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow
and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a
renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle.
Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as
"Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is
best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see
also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another,
following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them
remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.


Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and
play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen
in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is
nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed
below.
Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument
to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale
the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to
play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the
ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into
forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged
responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in
his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to
observe that A: "Ye canny make me"; or B: "It's no' ma baw anyway".
Stray dog on pitch. An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does
not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking
loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This
will ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of
them simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the
threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the breed
of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire itself of
running in circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take up to
fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the gates. An Alsatian
means instant abandonment.
Bigger boys steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of
which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort
of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will
improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the
younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored
and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration
and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage
indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older
brother is "Mad Chic Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also
ensure minimum delay.
Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or
local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of
failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to
play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without
actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required
in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly
unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious
stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.

Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands
in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the
importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance,
making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make
the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A
fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will
elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous
of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will
be heralded with the epithet "poachin' wee bastart" from the opposing
defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates. Applying an
unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will
elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the
ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit
at horoughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be
stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with
universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three
categories.
*Actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's
no' a full-size pitch".

Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will
defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers:
the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best
Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind,
and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in
front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties,
forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who
recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these
kicks, and are buggered if Wee Titch is going to steal any of it.

Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend
dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is
on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for
about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to
play as it is to watch.









 

Dapotayto

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I haven't yet received a thorough kicking for kneeling down and heading the ball across the line. Sure have gotten a lot of dirty looks but ah well, it fcuking counts for two!
 

trece verde

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Handball! I called it!!!

Hilarious, Fasty. Takes me back a long ways.....

A couple of things to add:

1) kids in Canada only got 1 recess to play during the morning. No second chance in the afternoon. Lunchtime was for epic battles between Us vs. Them....

2) As a "bampot" in a previous life, it was also our job to corral as many "chancers" as possible to come over to the dark side.

3) As a young'un, we had a 4th class of ball, the "rubber death ball." Never round to begin with, and nearly always toe-punted. You risked a concussion or worse if you tried to head this oscillating wobble-rocket.

4) Poachers in this part of the world were known as "goal-sucks" or "fcukin' seagulls." Most often teams were just set as class vs. class (your teacher's name was the name of your team) as we had 2 full classes of kids. It was a helluva lot faster than trying to pick teams, especially when you only had 15 minutes for recess. Goalkeepers were usually the same as you have described, although there were a few hockey-playing psychopaths who would volunteer to play the position....

5) Out of bounds for us was designated by a large, ball-eating blackberry patch (the "prickle bushes") said also to contain the bodies of unsuspecting primary kids who were tossed in there by larger kids whose games they dared disrupt. The only kids brave (or dumb) enough to go in after the ball either had new jean jackets, or weren't right in the head to begin with. Play stoppages were caused by this, grumpy kids in Grade 7 who kicked your ball onto the roof of the gym (two stories and change high), or the miserable old battleaxe with the rabid Great Dane whose fenced yard backed onto the school grounds.

6) Penalties were usually taken by whoever called it first (and grabbed the ball), although occasionally this player was dissed off of the shot (or pushed out of the way) by a larger, more dominating player - "no fcukin' way you're taking it!!!!"

7) You did keep track of your goals. This gave you bargaining power and status for the imaginary contracts that you were going to sign with pro clubs "back over," as well as letting you get picked earlier when you played in PE.

8) Splashing another player with water from the frequently-filled large puddles that tend to magically appear in this part of the world at the end of September and stay until May was not considered sporting unless somebody else started splashing first. It was not uncommon for large numbers of players from either or both teams doing full leg sweeps of deeper puddles in barrages of water on their opponents. Great fun when it's 5 degrees in December, pissing rain, and you're soaked through for the rest of the day....

Loved every minute of it.....:D :D :D :D

pieces,

Stew:cool:
 

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