Corporate Bumblings

Keeper

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Here's a classic bit that managed to survive the computer wipe out.
Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase
which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah
Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "sweatshop" onto his
shoes.

Here's the responses he got... fun and games with Nike...

From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
<mailto:nikeid_personalize@nike.com> >
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu
<mailto:peretti@media.mit.edu> >
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following
reasons:

1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other
intellectual property
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not
have the legal right to use
3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any
personalization?
4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and
besides, your mother would slap us.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization
please visit us again at www.nike.com <http://www.nike.com>

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu
<mailto:peretti@media.mit.edu> >
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
<mailto:nikeid_personalize@nike.com> >
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,

My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of
the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC
USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop."

Sweatshop is not:
1) another's party's trademark,
2) the name of an athlete,
3) blank, or
4) profanity.

I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the
children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me
immediately.

Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti


From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
<mailto:nikeid_personalize@nike.com> >
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu
<mailto:peretti@media.mit.edu> >
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen
contains, as stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, "inappropriate slang". If
you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please
visit us again at nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu
<mailto:peretti@media.mit.edu> >
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
<mailto:nikeid_personalize@nike.com> >
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC
USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service,
I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang.
After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in
fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or
factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under
unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal
iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to
choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of
freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you want it done
right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own
shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation
for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that
you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to
reject my order.

Thank you, Jonah Peretti


From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
<mailto:nikeid_personalize@nike.com> >
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" <peretti@media.mit.edu
<mailto:peretti@media.mit.edu> >
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD
web site that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24
hours after it has been submitted". In addition, it further explains: "While
we honor most personal iDs, we cannot honor every one. Some may be (or
contain) other's trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams,
athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use.
Others may contain material that we consider inappropriate or simply do not
want to place on our products. Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to
decline personal iDs that may otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we
will let you know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the
chance to submit another." With these rules in mind, we cannot accept
your order as submitted. If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a
new personalization please visit us again at www.nike.com
<http://www.nike.com>

Thank you, NIKE iD


From: "Jonah H. Peretti" <peretti@media.mit.edu
<mailto:peretti@media.mit.edu> >
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD" <nikeid_personalize@nike.com
<mailto:nikeid_personalize@nike.com> >
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have
decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make
one small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the
ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?

Thanks,
Jonah Peretti


<no response>
 

Keeper

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Microsoft Outlook

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS
UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Email App Doesn't Like

Atlanta, Ga. (SatireWire.com) — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"
 

Fastshow

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best complaint letter ever.....

57 xxxx Street
xxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxxx xxx
27-09-01


Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website…. how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived … a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%… these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman…. and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don’t care, it’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shite, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That’s why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn’t anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it’s worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,

Xxxx Xxxxxxx
 

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