Lame Excuses-Excuses in general have become weak and overworn. Excuses will always be necessary but Instead of throwing out a meek, "I forgot" or "the cheque is in the mail" or "I don't post enough to warrant a premium membership" I want people to be more more creative. There are several ways to spice up an excuse and make the world a better place. Two of my favorites are:Creative Lying, and Extreme Sarcasm. Creative Lying can be used in different ways but you always have to be relentless when using this style. For example, if you steal something of your roommates and they confront you about it, just say, "I found it in Surrey". If they want you to clean the frying pan you just used tell them you have Dish-cleaningphobia. And never give in. It's always worth it to use more energy avoiding something than it is to do it. Especially dishes. As a famous supermodel once said, "Dishes lick!". Extreme Sarcasm is a fun method to employ. A good example when this might be used is the recent Todd Bertuzzi incident. Instead of saying, "I didn't mean to do it", Todd could have gone the other way and said sarcastically, "Ya, I really meant to cave his face in, have him fall face first onto the ice, crack two vertebrae, have the media freak out in epic proportions, be globally demonized, get suspended for the rest of the season and the playoffs, reduce my team's Stanley Cup chances, disappoint the Canucks owner and organization, have the police investigate me and generally be seen as an asshole world-wide". Using an exagerrated grimace immediately after the statement will enhance the effect. Into the closet with weak excuses and bring on the bullshit.
Panel Job Interviews-You know the type of interview where you sit before a panel, usually three people, and they put you through the ringer by asking you annoying questions for two straight hours. My last such interview was when I applied for an astronaut position with NASA. I go there and they are asking me shite like, "Why do you want to be an astronaut?". I tell the truth and say, "Well, ever since I seen that fcuking monkey fly that rocket into orbit I have had a dream. A dream to be the smartest monkey ever in space. Have you seen my scores on Monkey Lander? Plus, I seen that German Shepherd the Russians sent up back in the '60s and I am way more qualified than that knob". Then, one fellow asked me if I knew anything about electronics and I thought he said ebonics so I'm like, "Yo, what up G? Why you dogging me, man? shite, I just wanna lay the funk down and y'all aksing me cracker questions like I never seen no rocket ship be-fo". Later, I figured I'd be brave and turn the tables on the panel by asking them a few questions. I ask some brush-cut, uniformed guy what his qualifications were. He gives me a sneer and says, "I am an air-force pilot, war hero, Doctor of Aerospace Engineering and I have been to the goddamn moon, boy!". I said, "Well, woopity-do. You have a shocking lid and if you haven't played Division 2 Metro League then you're one down on me Luke Skywalker. It's good that you're in the military though. If it wasn't for the army who would fcuk all the ugly chicks?".Then I turn to the next guy and say, "Admiral Ass-Clown, prepare my Star Destroyer. I want the Millenium Falcon found now". That didn't seem to go over too well. I gave them three references, Fastshow, my Mom and that orangutan, Buddy, from the zoo but I haven't heard back from then. Man, those interviews are tough. Get rid of 'em.
Alien Abductions-What is with these alien species coming to earth and abducting human specimens for their experiments? If they want to anal-probe someone all they have to do is dress up in an orange Seaquam top with stretchy, light-blue warm up pants and head down to Davie Street with Knvb on a Friday night. Instead, half the Rednecks in the U.S. and Canada are now questioning their sexuality. Stupid aliens, leave the poor hicks alone.They have enough problems trying to get on the Price is Right.
PMS Pussyfooting-Well, we all know what PMS is. Even if you are male and will never experience the actual symptons you know what they are. It can be difficult to deal with a woman PMSing but I say we stop pussyfooting around, stop walking on eggshells and "embrace the attack" as they say in Kung-Fu. If you know a woman is irritable then instead of avoiding the issue take the other route and press her hot buttons. Wind her up with stuff like, "Oh, red tide out today, huh? Warrning! Warning! All males in the evacuate area immediately, go to pub and drink beer", "Are the painters in today cause you sure are grouchy?", "Aw, diddums. Are you feeling bloated and crampy and grumpy and cranky?". Let's take the power back! Of course, I'm not married so other people might have a different perspective on this one.
The Atkins Diet-Great idea here. Let's minimize our fruit and vegetable intake (necessary for proper functioning of our organs) and gorge ourselves on obscene amounts of flesh and fat so we can lose weight. Of course in the process our risk of heart disease fcuking skyrockets, our energy level is up and down like Sid on Roy Keane and our intestines are lined with morbid amounts of decaying animal matter putting incredible stress on our bodies filtering systems. Also, it's been well documented that if North Americans reduced their beef intake by just ten percent we could use the massive amounts of land needed for raising livestock to grow enough grain and other foodstuffs to eradicate famine in Africa. Instead, we dramatically increase our beef intake because some twat who died of heart disease brought on by his own shitty diet has convinced people its a great way to lose weight while still eating all the crap food they are addicted to. Save cows and people and send the Atkins Diet into the closet.
How the hell do I add a poll?
Panel Job Interviews-You know the type of interview where you sit before a panel, usually three people, and they put you through the ringer by asking you annoying questions for two straight hours. My last such interview was when I applied for an astronaut position with NASA. I go there and they are asking me shite like, "Why do you want to be an astronaut?". I tell the truth and say, "Well, ever since I seen that fcuking monkey fly that rocket into orbit I have had a dream. A dream to be the smartest monkey ever in space. Have you seen my scores on Monkey Lander? Plus, I seen that German Shepherd the Russians sent up back in the '60s and I am way more qualified than that knob". Then, one fellow asked me if I knew anything about electronics and I thought he said ebonics so I'm like, "Yo, what up G? Why you dogging me, man? shite, I just wanna lay the funk down and y'all aksing me cracker questions like I never seen no rocket ship be-fo". Later, I figured I'd be brave and turn the tables on the panel by asking them a few questions. I ask some brush-cut, uniformed guy what his qualifications were. He gives me a sneer and says, "I am an air-force pilot, war hero, Doctor of Aerospace Engineering and I have been to the goddamn moon, boy!". I said, "Well, woopity-do. You have a shocking lid and if you haven't played Division 2 Metro League then you're one down on me Luke Skywalker. It's good that you're in the military though. If it wasn't for the army who would fcuk all the ugly chicks?".Then I turn to the next guy and say, "Admiral Ass-Clown, prepare my Star Destroyer. I want the Millenium Falcon found now". That didn't seem to go over too well. I gave them three references, Fastshow, my Mom and that orangutan, Buddy, from the zoo but I haven't heard back from then. Man, those interviews are tough. Get rid of 'em.
Alien Abductions-What is with these alien species coming to earth and abducting human specimens for their experiments? If they want to anal-probe someone all they have to do is dress up in an orange Seaquam top with stretchy, light-blue warm up pants and head down to Davie Street with Knvb on a Friday night. Instead, half the Rednecks in the U.S. and Canada are now questioning their sexuality. Stupid aliens, leave the poor hicks alone.They have enough problems trying to get on the Price is Right.
PMS Pussyfooting-Well, we all know what PMS is. Even if you are male and will never experience the actual symptons you know what they are. It can be difficult to deal with a woman PMSing but I say we stop pussyfooting around, stop walking on eggshells and "embrace the attack" as they say in Kung-Fu. If you know a woman is irritable then instead of avoiding the issue take the other route and press her hot buttons. Wind her up with stuff like, "Oh, red tide out today, huh? Warrning! Warning! All males in the evacuate area immediately, go to pub and drink beer", "Are the painters in today cause you sure are grouchy?", "Aw, diddums. Are you feeling bloated and crampy and grumpy and cranky?". Let's take the power back! Of course, I'm not married so other people might have a different perspective on this one.
The Atkins Diet-Great idea here. Let's minimize our fruit and vegetable intake (necessary for proper functioning of our organs) and gorge ourselves on obscene amounts of flesh and fat so we can lose weight. Of course in the process our risk of heart disease fcuking skyrockets, our energy level is up and down like Sid on Roy Keane and our intestines are lined with morbid amounts of decaying animal matter putting incredible stress on our bodies filtering systems. Also, it's been well documented that if North Americans reduced their beef intake by just ten percent we could use the massive amounts of land needed for raising livestock to grow enough grain and other foodstuffs to eradicate famine in Africa. Instead, we dramatically increase our beef intake because some twat who died of heart disease brought on by his own shitty diet has convinced people its a great way to lose weight while still eating all the crap food they are addicted to. Save cows and people and send the Atkins Diet into the closet.
How the hell do I add a poll?
