Hands of Stone
New Member
Subject: How To Rank Your Hangover
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere
disco nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak sub
and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover **
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a fruity pancake from
Waffle House. There is some definite havoc being wrecked upon your bowels.
�3 star hangover ***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer
86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed
with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've
had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Iced Teas and a diet coke - yet you
haven't peed once. You decide the Havana Omelet you are going to leave in
the bathroom is better done on another floor, so you don't have to walk by
and smell it the rest of the day.
4 star hangover ****
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your
eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Revere High, ' 76. Your
sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about 5 shits you take
during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.
5 star hangover *****, aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
poop fairy out. �Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your
tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You
definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why
there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty
house. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of
this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
6 star hangover ******�otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile, or your vomit from 3 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you;
shower and already leave for work. You try to lift your head. Not an
option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13
packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking,
but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked
them like it was your second full time job. �You look in the mirror only
to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" clearly on your cheek.......the
stamp on the back of your hand has appeared on your face by what is known
as 'jagermeister magic.' You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32
seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty"
pajamas and your slippers. Any attempt at emptying your bowels results in
a gag inducing ass spray which you are positive has the ability to etch
porcelain. The only thing that sounds worse than remaining on the foul
stench throne is leaving before you're finished; which could take 5
minutes or an hour and a half.
HOS
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere
disco nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak sub
and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover **
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a fruity pancake from
Waffle House. There is some definite havoc being wrecked upon your bowels.
�3 star hangover ***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer
86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed
with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've
had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Iced Teas and a diet coke - yet you
haven't peed once. You decide the Havana Omelet you are going to leave in
the bathroom is better done on another floor, so you don't have to walk by
and smell it the rest of the day.
4 star hangover ****
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your
eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject
from the class picture of Revere High, ' 76. Your
sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about 5 shits you take
during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.
5 star hangover *****, aka "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
poop fairy out. �Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your
tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You
definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why
there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty
house. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of
this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
6 star hangover ******�otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile, or your vomit from 3 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you;
shower and already leave for work. You try to lift your head. Not an
option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13
packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking,
but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked
them like it was your second full time job. �You look in the mirror only
to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" clearly on your cheek.......the
stamp on the back of your hand has appeared on your face by what is known
as 'jagermeister magic.' You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32
seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty"
pajamas and your slippers. Any attempt at emptying your bowels results in
a gag inducing ass spray which you are positive has the ability to etch
porcelain. The only thing that sounds worse than remaining on the foul
stench throne is leaving before you're finished; which could take 5
minutes or an hour and a half.
HOS