The determination of the number of pints
required to have sex with a ‘not the best’ female
C.Williams, J. Naylor, M. Hatcher and S. Roberts, University of WalesSwansea, SingletonPark, Swansea. SA2 8PP.
ABSTRACT
This report will look at the determination of the number of pints required to ‘do a munter’. Initially we shall be looking at the types of females that are around and determining the types that can be regarded as ‘stinking’
This report will follow on to use mathematical models to help determine the number of pints required for an arbitrary male to succumb to the wrath of a minger.
INTRODUCTION
This report is about the number of fermented vegetable drinks required for consumption before a homo-sapien male is consciously willing to partake in a mating ritual with a homo-sapien female with defective attributes. Examples of these attributes include having big bones, having hair of a golden colour or having mammary glands of a small nature. One shall start this report by looking at the different types of females around. The first assumption to be made was by Williams1 (1997) who stated that the fitness of the women around is normally distributed with mean 6 and standard deviation of 2. This is represented in diagrammatic form in figure 1.
figure 1
As we can see from figure 1, there are many females that are average, yet there are only a few really good and few really bad ones.
A corollary of this theorem was given by Naylor et al2, who stated that one male’s frame of reference of one female being fit* is different to another male’s with respect to the pint and ‘gagging for a shag’ (GFS) variables.
ACCESSIBILITY FUNCTION
The accessibility to the homo-sapien female’s reproductive organs is sometimes an easy path yet sometimes a difficult one. Ward gives the following result in this area:
MINGE ACCESSIBILITY µ GRIMNESS
This means that if the female in question is of high grimness then her minge accessibility will be easy. Conversely, if a female has hard accessibility then there is a high probability that the aforementioned female is attractive. The graph for this is given in figure 2.
HIGH
ATTRACT-
IVENESS
LOW
Hard Easy
figure 2
ACCESSIBILITY
This graph is not very rigid though as there are many outliers to this theorem. For example, there are many girls of a high grimness factor who regard themselves as having a low grimness factor, hence they make their minge accessibility rating hard whereas it should be easy. Further studies in this area have been done by Roberts3.
CALCULATING THE GRIMNESS OF A FEMALE
Hatcher et al4 produced a law to find out the grimness of any female. This is as follows:
HATCHER’S LAW
The total quality of a female can be found by using the following formula:
TOTAL QUALITY = aTITS +bBODY +cFACE + dPERSONALITY
a+b+c+d
GRIMNESS =10 - TOTAL QUALITY
As all males are different, the person conducting the study puts in how important they regard each of the four aspects of a female. I.e. if they regard tits to be twice as important as everything else then a=2, b=1, c=1, d=1.
The point score for each of the aspect is within the range of 1 to 10.
This law gives us our value for the grimness factor variable.
WHETHER OR NOT SHE WOULD GET IT
Before deciding on how much alcohol is required for this unity of two bodies, one thought must be processed. What happens if the female would ‘get a portion’ regardless of alcohol? This problem has been overcome by Naylor’s Sober Theorem. This theorem is as follows:
WOULD THE FEMALE if no go to Pint factor equation
GET IT IF YOU WERE SOBER? If yes then pints = 0
DETERMINATION OF PINT FACTOR FOR UNFIT WOMEN
Williams1 gives the following formula to calculate the pint consumption required to be willing to fornicate with a scrubber.
WILLIAMS’S PINT FACTOR EQUATION
REQUIRED PINTS TO SHAG = 2(10G-P)B
GFS+W
where G = Grimness (1 TO 10)
P = Presentation (1 TO 10)
B = Bike constant (1 = Lady, 2 = Bike)
GFS = Gagging for a shag (1 TO 10)
W = Temperature (1 TO10)
In general if REQUIRED PINT TO SHAG >15 = NON SHAG SATURATION REGION
CONCLUSION
Even though this study is quite thorough there are still many different aspects that need to be considered. These include religion factor, virgin factor and snootiness factor. The equations given in this report are quite well defined but due to the randomness and unpredictability of females, mathematical modelling might not give the best results all the time.
REFERENCES
1. C. Williams (1997) The quantum theorem of bird studies
2. J. Naylor (1999) Women shaggability and their applications
3. S. Roberts (1999) The psychology of women: Does grimness affect personality?
4. M. Hatcher (1999) Clitoris Sciences with illustrative examples
* Fit means that the female in question is worth a male releasing his reproductive mucus
