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British Athletes vs N. American Pro Athletes
- Thread starter Guinness
- Start date
gem-like.......
Classic indeed. In fact, your photos were so funny I wet myself. Which is a fcuking terrible shame as I've been working on one of our secretaries and she saw me staggering to the toilets with piss pouring down my leg this morning. Again.
Bugger, I thought I was in there.
Now, before the Captain comes crashing in with his tuppence about how Eire is not British and, as such, cannot possibly be linked to your latest suggestion of an argument, allow me to say that Eire is not British and cannot possibly be linked to your latest suggestion of an argument.
Thirdly, your sprinting-steroid suggestion is poor as it would be faster to name which world-class sprinter hasn't had to live under a steroid cloud. And, before you ask, a steroid cloud looks like a cumulo nimbus cloud except bigger and more buffed. Steroid clouds are preferable, however, as, due to their small genitalia, precipitation is rare.
B). It has been well-publicised that I was born in Lion's Gate Hospital. That's just off Lonsdale, by the way. In keeping with your chosen steroidal theme, much like Ben Johnson, I choose to be whatever nationality best suits the occasion. You could say I swing both ways. But please don't as it's simply not true and the implication upsets me.
Secondly, please name one Newfoundland athlete. Other than Harold Druken.
I resent the implication that anyone other than Jinky could outdrink me. Sounds like a dare to me. Consider the gauntlet thrown and I suggest the first annual TTP virtual drinking competition. I'm starting now.
Primarily, I haven't got the luxury of a digital camera but, happily, nor do I own dirty white socks or a pleasing linoleum/hard wood floor combination in my residence. I also haven't got ski boots as the ski season is now over in the UK and has been since the Iron Age. Or since Sid last got his leg over. Or thereabouts. your handbag also bears an uncanny resemblance to a pillow case but, seeing as you do live in the fashion-wasteland that is Vancouver, I'll write it off as there being no accounting for taste.
Virtually any time is good for me so I intend on starting to swing my handbag at 14:21 my time. Consider it a pre-emptive strike. My weapon caters to my pre-occupation with bondage and gimps. So does my handbag.
Classic indeed. In fact, your photos were so funny I wet myself. Which is a fcuking terrible shame as I've been working on one of our secretaries and she saw me staggering to the toilets with piss pouring down my leg this morning. Again.
Bugger, I thought I was in there.
Now, before the Captain comes crashing in with his tuppence about how Eire is not British and, as such, cannot possibly be linked to your latest suggestion of an argument, allow me to say that Eire is not British and cannot possibly be linked to your latest suggestion of an argument.
Thirdly, your sprinting-steroid suggestion is poor as it would be faster to name which world-class sprinter hasn't had to live under a steroid cloud. And, before you ask, a steroid cloud looks like a cumulo nimbus cloud except bigger and more buffed. Steroid clouds are preferable, however, as, due to their small genitalia, precipitation is rare.
B). It has been well-publicised that I was born in Lion's Gate Hospital. That's just off Lonsdale, by the way. In keeping with your chosen steroidal theme, much like Ben Johnson, I choose to be whatever nationality best suits the occasion. You could say I swing both ways. But please don't as it's simply not true and the implication upsets me.
Secondly, please name one Newfoundland athlete. Other than Harold Druken.
I resent the implication that anyone other than Jinky could outdrink me. Sounds like a dare to me. Consider the gauntlet thrown and I suggest the first annual TTP virtual drinking competition. I'm starting now.
Primarily, I haven't got the luxury of a digital camera but, happily, nor do I own dirty white socks or a pleasing linoleum/hard wood floor combination in my residence. I also haven't got ski boots as the ski season is now over in the UK and has been since the Iron Age. Or since Sid last got his leg over. Or thereabouts. your handbag also bears an uncanny resemblance to a pillow case but, seeing as you do live in the fashion-wasteland that is Vancouver, I'll write it off as there being no accounting for taste.
Virtually any time is good for me so I intend on starting to swing my handbag at 14:21 my time. Consider it a pre-emptive strike. My weapon caters to my pre-occupation with bondage and gimps. So does my handbag.
ice-dancing.........
CDK, If I were to hazard a guess I'd say he's wearing Toller Cranston's old ice-dancing ensemble.
How many North American athletes would be good enough to get this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
I despair.
Still.
CDK, If I were to hazard a guess I'd say he's wearing Toller Cranston's old ice-dancing ensemble.
How many North American athletes would be good enough to get this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
I despair.
Still.
we need a hockey spin-off..........
Sunday January 7, 2001
The Observer
1 Rudi Voller
Peter Shilton paid for his in champagne, Terry McDermott, Phil Thompson, Graeme Souness, Kevin Keegan and Craig Johnston greased theirs daily, but Rudi Voller was and remains queen of the perm. Peroxide with grey highlights, Voller's cut made him a German style icon and elevated him to the top of this competitive style category - landing him OSM's overall worst cut prize.
The style's greatest moment came when, during the 1990 World Cup, it collected and held, glue-like, the spit of Frank Rijkaard, leading to the Dutchman's famous red card. Voller remains one of the most popular men in Germany. He narrowly beats retired Austrian striker Toni Polster to the title - Polster wore his monster-perm with white socks and gold jewellery. He now has his own fashion label.
Nicky Clarke's verdict:
Oh god, oh god. This is just so... He's managed to combine Steve Coogan's Paul Calf with Harry Enfield's Scousers, and be German at the same time. Oh god, no, absolutely awful.
Cost of the style in Clarke's London salon: No way. I'd do all the others if pressed, but if I was asked for this in all seriousness I'd refuse. No way.
2 Alexi Lalas
If you're going to be a ginger Detroit rocker-cum-footballer, you might as well look like it - which is why Lalas only makes second in the list. It's a shocking set of facial hair devices - but whatever you think about him, Lalas is totally true to himself: bad haircut, bad musician, bad footballer. He does, though, take some credit for spending two years in Italy with Padova (after aborting a move to Coventry) without toning it down. He built a reputation in Serie A as a foul-mouthed New Age traveller, but enjoyed it. 'It was great, man, playing in Italy,' he explains. He gave up football in 1998 after meeting Pele ('****, I mean, he's the man, all that sort of stuff just blows me away') to work with his band full time. His first major album, Ginger, was released in November that year. 'We just blew it out in two weeks in the studio,' he said. 'Man, it rocks.'
The Clarke verdict: I do know of this guy - I've never cut for him - but I quite like this. He breaks the rules - the top looks like he should be in an early Nineties Seattle grunge band, the bottom looks hard rock. He looks mad, I love it.
Cost: With a deft hand for the facial work, £150.
3 David Seaman
Seaman has needed a haircut from a proper, sensible £8-a-go barber for the past 19 years. Instead, the England keeper uses the likes of Belgravia's Errol Douglas - a celebrity stylist - and turns up at Highbury week in week out looking like a drug-weakened advertising executive in shorts. This season's adventure made the problem worse. In 1998, he was named most stylish sports star at the Elle Style Awards. Two years on he's just a 37-year-old with a ponytail. On leather-loving Emmanuel Petit, Roberto Baggio and even snooker's Peter Ebdon, it didn't look so bad. On Seaman, say the Helsinki press, it's a Soho porn merchant's dream.
The Clarke verdict: Ah, the infamous David Seaman. I'd like to think that no professional stylist would do this for him. It's kitsch, but surely not deliberately so.
Cost: Large tub of gel, clip and a band. £75. But, honestly, not one I'd want to see walking out of my salon.
4 Jason Lee
22 May 1996: the ultimate bad hair day. After a month of Fantasy Football's Frank Skinner and David Baddiel linking Lee's pineapple hair-do to his poor performances (Lee was depicted in then-Forest-manager Frank Clark's office failing to hit a tea cup with a sugar cube from six inches) the striker was transfer-listed, and a promising career left in ruins. Richard & Judy invited him onto This Morning for a phone-in, Nottingham nightclubs put on themed pineapple nights, the press hounded his family and, by June, the BBC were receiving more than 200 letters a week with pictures of pineapples in different settings. Lee, who had been Forest's top scorer, suffered badly. 'It was unbelievable,' he said. 'It went on and on and my family were hammered.' He left on loan, before permanent moves to Watford then Chesterfield. Now, with a freshly shaved head, he's rebuilding his career at Peterborough. The Clarke verdict: Well, it's not one of my favourites, but with afro hair, it is great to make the most of its ability to be sculpted. But not great for football, surely?
Cost: From scratch, £400.
5 George Berry
The worst/best afro of all time - big, square and in your face. Today George Berry is a bald PFA executive, but in the Seventies he was a bad haircut god, a Welsh international and considered by the rugby-playing Welsh wing of his Jamaican-Welsh family 'a big poof'. 'People think I had a square Afro because it was so big it never fitted into photo frames and the papers and magazines had to crop it that way. But there were plenty of big hairstyles around then - Remi Moses, Brendon Batson - but mine was the biggest and best.' Berry won a 1980 League Cup medal with Wolves, then moved on to Stoke, Aldershot and Stafford Rangers. Other exponents include the absurd Carlos Valderama - who ignored searing temperatures throughout his career to maintain his look - Alan Sunderland and the pre-bald Gianluca Vialli.
The Clarke verdict: I love the straight lines he's achieved. This was a popular look at the time, and apart from the practical problems, there's no arguing with it.
Cost: It would take an hour - £80
6 Peter Beardsley
There's something heroic about Peter Beardsley's hair. Any boy sporting this cut to school would be broken in minutes - but Beardsley has stood by it for over 22 years. Last year he was tipped as a great lover by the Sunday Mirror, who claimed 'research shows that women find it hard to resist the charms of ugly men like Peter Beardsley. They try harder to make their partner happy.' Beardsley though was also once named 'the only person who, when he appears on television, makes daleks hide behind the sofa'.
The Clarke verdict: Christ, he looks like a thin Ann Widdecombe. It is slightly worrying that a man should have this pre-teen Purdie arrangement.
Cost: He's actually got great hair. I'd thin the sides and contemporise the fringe. He could be cool. £50
7 Ralph Coates
A haircut so good they made a song about it. 'Grease Your Ralph', released in 1987 by Welsh band the Abs (and still available from specialist shops) was a tribute to Coates's combover - the only football combover widely considered better than Bobby Charlton's. When Coates tore down Burnley's wing, his hair travelled a second or two behind him - Charlton rarely held his with the same panache. Nobby Stiles was similarly inclined - and Bobby Mikhailov, ex-Reading and Bulgaria, once named 'cutest goalkeeper' by Bulgarian fans, wore a wig during games. Now, of course, a good bald haircut, modelled on David Beckham, will set you back £300.
The Clarke verdict: This sort of thing should never have happened. Maybe in '65 it wasn't as good to be bald as it is now, but this is absurd. However much grease or lacquer you put on, it'll not stick to the scalp - it'll just matt it all together.
Cost: We'd take this shorter, to a refined No 3. £70
8 Alan Biley
Mullet king Alan Biley comes in eighth for being a leader of this defining trend: Paul Walsh, Ron and Paul Futcher, Gerry Francis, Barry Venison, Colin Hendry, Chris Waddle, king of camp Mark Lawrenson, Bulgarian werewolf Trifon Ivanov and the whole of Eastern Europe - for whom it became the cut of choice throughout the Nineties - owe him a great debt. Today, Biley, a Seventies peroxide mullet legend for Cambridge, Derby, Everton and Portsmouth, manages Ryman League strugglers Barton Rovers after spells as a nanny, a landscape gardner and a council worker. But a mullet isn't always a bad thing. In 1996, after Spain's top sex symbol Julen 'El Guapo' (gorgeous) Guerrero was forced to cut his mullet by Athletic Bilbao's owner, female fans besieged the San Mames stadium for two days in protest. Top mullet fact: the word mullet comes from the nineteenth-century term 'mullethead', meaning 'moron' or 'fool'. Today the style is worn by those who consider themselves ironic.
The Clarke verdict: This chap's managed to do a mullet version of Joe Brown. The mullet's a Midwest American favourite - it's so ugly, and always has been.
Cost: If I really, really, had to leave the back long, £70
9 Claudio Caniggia
Caniggia wins credit for maintaining this cut, not only for 15 years, but to the detriment of his career. Told by Argentina coach Daniel Passarella in 1995 to have his 'girls hair' shortened or be thrown out of the squad, Caniggia - suspended for 13 months for cocaine use two years previously - chose the latter, and disappeared for six months. In 1998 his glam wife Marianna Nannis accused Diego Maradona of leading him astray: 'At times I believe Diego is in love with my husband,' she said. 'It must be the long hair and big muscles.' The Caniggias now live in Dundee following his unlikely move to Dens Park. In October 7,000 blond-wig wearing Scots watched him score a home debut screamer. Caniggia beats Derby's Taribo West, once master of Floella Benjamin bead chic, but now just a thinning Jason Lee wanabee.
The Clarke verdict: This again, I'm afraid, doesn't work at all. If he insists on keeping it long, he needs proper extensions to give it volume. It just doesn't work. He's a good looking guy and should do himself a few favours.
Cost: I'd rather not, but if someone insisted on having this look, with the necessary extensions, £300
10 Socrates
A fantastic player best known for chain-smoking at half-time, Brazilian legend Socrates was probably the hairiest man ever to feature in top level football (apart from Richard Keys). A star of the 1982 and 1986 World Cup finals, Socrates, also a qualified doctor, was an outspoken political dissident with grooming to match. His sense of style earns him 10th spot - Everton troll Abel Xavier, Gazza's hair extensions and the wild man of hair Terry Hurlock all just miss out.
The Clarke verdict: Oh, I like Socrates, big and butch - and he does look like a Socrates too, doesn't he? If you put this on an Englishman it would look daft, but it works here because of his deep set eyes.
Cost: A delicate cut, plus blow dry, £75.
Justifying his selection?
This month's 10 were selected by Observer football writer David Hills. Here he explains his choices:
It's not trivial: footballing perms and mullets should never have hit Europe as hard as they did. But it happened, they caught on and bad taste defined at least three generations of professional athletes and their fans.
There is, of course, a reason - hairdos for footballers, dressed in uniform strips, are the only way of expressing personality through image - hence, presumably, David Beckham's close crop. And it's always been this way. During a match in the Fifties, Bobby Johnstone, a flying winger for Hibs and Man City, pulled a comb out of his pocket, put his foot on the ball and took five minutes to comb his slicked-back quiff into place.
Nicky Clarke, when we met at his London salon to talk hair, was disgusted by what he saw. 'This is awful. On the whole, I guess footballers have always tended to wear contemporary styles but with a two-year time delay. These mullets and perms were all on the streets, but footballers persisted long after the fashions had changed.
'These days, perhaps, players are getting more wary of extravagance. We have footballers in here - and golfers, boxers, racing drivers - they're all much more understated than they would have been 10 years ago. Take Beckham. I happen to think Beckham has great taste, but people with great taste don't get it right all the time. His old look was good, but this new, neutral shave does absolutely zero for him. He's still good looking, but it's such a shame he didn't stop at some of the stages in between fop and bald - I do wonder if the guy who did it tried various new styles, none of which worked, until he had nothing left to play with. He just looks like a thug now, but, I suppose, better that than a mullet.'
As for the top 10 choices: there were plenty of near misses, of course, but this is a representative set. And why so few perms? 'They're too freakish,' says Nicky. 'Voller's says it all. I haven't given anyone - man or woman - a perm since the Seventies, and even then under great duress.'
Sunday January 7, 2001
The Observer
1 Rudi Voller
Peter Shilton paid for his in champagne, Terry McDermott, Phil Thompson, Graeme Souness, Kevin Keegan and Craig Johnston greased theirs daily, but Rudi Voller was and remains queen of the perm. Peroxide with grey highlights, Voller's cut made him a German style icon and elevated him to the top of this competitive style category - landing him OSM's overall worst cut prize.
The style's greatest moment came when, during the 1990 World Cup, it collected and held, glue-like, the spit of Frank Rijkaard, leading to the Dutchman's famous red card. Voller remains one of the most popular men in Germany. He narrowly beats retired Austrian striker Toni Polster to the title - Polster wore his monster-perm with white socks and gold jewellery. He now has his own fashion label.
Nicky Clarke's verdict:
Oh god, oh god. This is just so... He's managed to combine Steve Coogan's Paul Calf with Harry Enfield's Scousers, and be German at the same time. Oh god, no, absolutely awful.
Cost of the style in Clarke's London salon: No way. I'd do all the others if pressed, but if I was asked for this in all seriousness I'd refuse. No way.
2 Alexi Lalas
If you're going to be a ginger Detroit rocker-cum-footballer, you might as well look like it - which is why Lalas only makes second in the list. It's a shocking set of facial hair devices - but whatever you think about him, Lalas is totally true to himself: bad haircut, bad musician, bad footballer. He does, though, take some credit for spending two years in Italy with Padova (after aborting a move to Coventry) without toning it down. He built a reputation in Serie A as a foul-mouthed New Age traveller, but enjoyed it. 'It was great, man, playing in Italy,' he explains. He gave up football in 1998 after meeting Pele ('****, I mean, he's the man, all that sort of stuff just blows me away') to work with his band full time. His first major album, Ginger, was released in November that year. 'We just blew it out in two weeks in the studio,' he said. 'Man, it rocks.'
The Clarke verdict: I do know of this guy - I've never cut for him - but I quite like this. He breaks the rules - the top looks like he should be in an early Nineties Seattle grunge band, the bottom looks hard rock. He looks mad, I love it.
Cost: With a deft hand for the facial work, £150.
3 David Seaman
Seaman has needed a haircut from a proper, sensible £8-a-go barber for the past 19 years. Instead, the England keeper uses the likes of Belgravia's Errol Douglas - a celebrity stylist - and turns up at Highbury week in week out looking like a drug-weakened advertising executive in shorts. This season's adventure made the problem worse. In 1998, he was named most stylish sports star at the Elle Style Awards. Two years on he's just a 37-year-old with a ponytail. On leather-loving Emmanuel Petit, Roberto Baggio and even snooker's Peter Ebdon, it didn't look so bad. On Seaman, say the Helsinki press, it's a Soho porn merchant's dream.
The Clarke verdict: Ah, the infamous David Seaman. I'd like to think that no professional stylist would do this for him. It's kitsch, but surely not deliberately so.
Cost: Large tub of gel, clip and a band. £75. But, honestly, not one I'd want to see walking out of my salon.
4 Jason Lee
22 May 1996: the ultimate bad hair day. After a month of Fantasy Football's Frank Skinner and David Baddiel linking Lee's pineapple hair-do to his poor performances (Lee was depicted in then-Forest-manager Frank Clark's office failing to hit a tea cup with a sugar cube from six inches) the striker was transfer-listed, and a promising career left in ruins. Richard & Judy invited him onto This Morning for a phone-in, Nottingham nightclubs put on themed pineapple nights, the press hounded his family and, by June, the BBC were receiving more than 200 letters a week with pictures of pineapples in different settings. Lee, who had been Forest's top scorer, suffered badly. 'It was unbelievable,' he said. 'It went on and on and my family were hammered.' He left on loan, before permanent moves to Watford then Chesterfield. Now, with a freshly shaved head, he's rebuilding his career at Peterborough. The Clarke verdict: Well, it's not one of my favourites, but with afro hair, it is great to make the most of its ability to be sculpted. But not great for football, surely?
Cost: From scratch, £400.
5 George Berry
The worst/best afro of all time - big, square and in your face. Today George Berry is a bald PFA executive, but in the Seventies he was a bad haircut god, a Welsh international and considered by the rugby-playing Welsh wing of his Jamaican-Welsh family 'a big poof'. 'People think I had a square Afro because it was so big it never fitted into photo frames and the papers and magazines had to crop it that way. But there were plenty of big hairstyles around then - Remi Moses, Brendon Batson - but mine was the biggest and best.' Berry won a 1980 League Cup medal with Wolves, then moved on to Stoke, Aldershot and Stafford Rangers. Other exponents include the absurd Carlos Valderama - who ignored searing temperatures throughout his career to maintain his look - Alan Sunderland and the pre-bald Gianluca Vialli.
The Clarke verdict: I love the straight lines he's achieved. This was a popular look at the time, and apart from the practical problems, there's no arguing with it.
Cost: It would take an hour - £80
6 Peter Beardsley
There's something heroic about Peter Beardsley's hair. Any boy sporting this cut to school would be broken in minutes - but Beardsley has stood by it for over 22 years. Last year he was tipped as a great lover by the Sunday Mirror, who claimed 'research shows that women find it hard to resist the charms of ugly men like Peter Beardsley. They try harder to make their partner happy.' Beardsley though was also once named 'the only person who, when he appears on television, makes daleks hide behind the sofa'.
The Clarke verdict: Christ, he looks like a thin Ann Widdecombe. It is slightly worrying that a man should have this pre-teen Purdie arrangement.
Cost: He's actually got great hair. I'd thin the sides and contemporise the fringe. He could be cool. £50
7 Ralph Coates
A haircut so good they made a song about it. 'Grease Your Ralph', released in 1987 by Welsh band the Abs (and still available from specialist shops) was a tribute to Coates's combover - the only football combover widely considered better than Bobby Charlton's. When Coates tore down Burnley's wing, his hair travelled a second or two behind him - Charlton rarely held his with the same panache. Nobby Stiles was similarly inclined - and Bobby Mikhailov, ex-Reading and Bulgaria, once named 'cutest goalkeeper' by Bulgarian fans, wore a wig during games. Now, of course, a good bald haircut, modelled on David Beckham, will set you back £300.
The Clarke verdict: This sort of thing should never have happened. Maybe in '65 it wasn't as good to be bald as it is now, but this is absurd. However much grease or lacquer you put on, it'll not stick to the scalp - it'll just matt it all together.
Cost: We'd take this shorter, to a refined No 3. £70
8 Alan Biley
Mullet king Alan Biley comes in eighth for being a leader of this defining trend: Paul Walsh, Ron and Paul Futcher, Gerry Francis, Barry Venison, Colin Hendry, Chris Waddle, king of camp Mark Lawrenson, Bulgarian werewolf Trifon Ivanov and the whole of Eastern Europe - for whom it became the cut of choice throughout the Nineties - owe him a great debt. Today, Biley, a Seventies peroxide mullet legend for Cambridge, Derby, Everton and Portsmouth, manages Ryman League strugglers Barton Rovers after spells as a nanny, a landscape gardner and a council worker. But a mullet isn't always a bad thing. In 1996, after Spain's top sex symbol Julen 'El Guapo' (gorgeous) Guerrero was forced to cut his mullet by Athletic Bilbao's owner, female fans besieged the San Mames stadium for two days in protest. Top mullet fact: the word mullet comes from the nineteenth-century term 'mullethead', meaning 'moron' or 'fool'. Today the style is worn by those who consider themselves ironic.
The Clarke verdict: This chap's managed to do a mullet version of Joe Brown. The mullet's a Midwest American favourite - it's so ugly, and always has been.
Cost: If I really, really, had to leave the back long, £70
9 Claudio Caniggia
Caniggia wins credit for maintaining this cut, not only for 15 years, but to the detriment of his career. Told by Argentina coach Daniel Passarella in 1995 to have his 'girls hair' shortened or be thrown out of the squad, Caniggia - suspended for 13 months for cocaine use two years previously - chose the latter, and disappeared for six months. In 1998 his glam wife Marianna Nannis accused Diego Maradona of leading him astray: 'At times I believe Diego is in love with my husband,' she said. 'It must be the long hair and big muscles.' The Caniggias now live in Dundee following his unlikely move to Dens Park. In October 7,000 blond-wig wearing Scots watched him score a home debut screamer. Caniggia beats Derby's Taribo West, once master of Floella Benjamin bead chic, but now just a thinning Jason Lee wanabee.
The Clarke verdict: This again, I'm afraid, doesn't work at all. If he insists on keeping it long, he needs proper extensions to give it volume. It just doesn't work. He's a good looking guy and should do himself a few favours.
Cost: I'd rather not, but if someone insisted on having this look, with the necessary extensions, £300
10 Socrates
A fantastic player best known for chain-smoking at half-time, Brazilian legend Socrates was probably the hairiest man ever to feature in top level football (apart from Richard Keys). A star of the 1982 and 1986 World Cup finals, Socrates, also a qualified doctor, was an outspoken political dissident with grooming to match. His sense of style earns him 10th spot - Everton troll Abel Xavier, Gazza's hair extensions and the wild man of hair Terry Hurlock all just miss out.
The Clarke verdict: Oh, I like Socrates, big and butch - and he does look like a Socrates too, doesn't he? If you put this on an Englishman it would look daft, but it works here because of his deep set eyes.
Cost: A delicate cut, plus blow dry, £75.
Justifying his selection?
This month's 10 were selected by Observer football writer David Hills. Here he explains his choices:
It's not trivial: footballing perms and mullets should never have hit Europe as hard as they did. But it happened, they caught on and bad taste defined at least three generations of professional athletes and their fans.
There is, of course, a reason - hairdos for footballers, dressed in uniform strips, are the only way of expressing personality through image - hence, presumably, David Beckham's close crop. And it's always been this way. During a match in the Fifties, Bobby Johnstone, a flying winger for Hibs and Man City, pulled a comb out of his pocket, put his foot on the ball and took five minutes to comb his slicked-back quiff into place.
Nicky Clarke, when we met at his London salon to talk hair, was disgusted by what he saw. 'This is awful. On the whole, I guess footballers have always tended to wear contemporary styles but with a two-year time delay. These mullets and perms were all on the streets, but footballers persisted long after the fashions had changed.
'These days, perhaps, players are getting more wary of extravagance. We have footballers in here - and golfers, boxers, racing drivers - they're all much more understated than they would have been 10 years ago. Take Beckham. I happen to think Beckham has great taste, but people with great taste don't get it right all the time. His old look was good, but this new, neutral shave does absolutely zero for him. He's still good looking, but it's such a shame he didn't stop at some of the stages in between fop and bald - I do wonder if the guy who did it tried various new styles, none of which worked, until he had nothing left to play with. He just looks like a thug now, but, I suppose, better that than a mullet.'
As for the top 10 choices: there were plenty of near misses, of course, but this is a representative set. And why so few perms? 'They're too freakish,' says Nicky. 'Voller's says it all. I haven't given anyone - man or woman - a perm since the Seventies, and even then under great duress.'
THE WIT AND WISDOM OF KEVIN KEEGAN (vying for the Luc Van Lierde TTP loadabollocks award) :
"He can't speak Turks, but you can tell he's delighted."
"The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different. They are both called Steve."
"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg. But leukaemia is worse still; Probably"
"Despite his white boots, he has real pace and aggression."
"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 20s or 30s and sometimes not even then. Or so it would appear. To me anyway. Don't you think the same?"
"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today. There were others as well."
"The ref was vertically 15 yards away. He has a moustache."
"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to none."
"The tide is very much in our court now."
"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card. I'm talking metaphysically now of course."
"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time. And not for the reasons that you're thinking of Clive."
"The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it or draw it even."
"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona. You seen the pictures as well Clive. Like an acorn I tells ya, just like an acorn."
"I know what is around the corner. I just don't know where the corner is."
"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
"...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength. You could say that that's his strong point."
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose. It's up to them, the tide is in their court now."
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different. The red light district is still the same mind you. Though it's a lot bigger. And more expensive. I prefer Hamburg, more variety. There are these ladies there with fully formed
moustaches, know what I mean."
"Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that."
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off."
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game."
"That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong."
"I think Ron will be pulling him off at half time and no mistakin'."
"You'd think the Moroccans would have learnt their lesson by now. You can't win games without scoring goals."
"You'd think the Cameroonians would have learnt their lesson by now. You can't get very far with such brutal tackles. It's just not cricket you know.
"He can't speak Turks, but you can tell he's delighted."
"The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful."
"There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."
"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different. They are both called Steve."
"In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg. But leukaemia is worse still; Probably"
"Despite his white boots, he has real pace and aggression."
"Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 20s or 30s and sometimes not even then. Or so it would appear. To me anyway. Don't you think the same?"
"The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today. There were others as well."
"The ref was vertically 15 yards away. He has a moustache."
"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second to none."
"The tide is very much in our court now."
"It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card. I'm talking metaphysically now of course."
"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time. And not for the reasons that you're thinking of Clive."
"The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it or draw it even."
"I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona. You seen the pictures as well Clive. Like an acorn I tells ya, just like an acorn."
"I know what is around the corner. I just don't know where the corner is."
"You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw."
"...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength. You could say that that's his strong point."
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose. It's up to them, the tide is in their court now."
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different. The red light district is still the same mind you. Though it's a lot bigger. And more expensive. I prefer Hamburg, more variety. There are these ladies there with fully formed
moustaches, know what I mean."
"Argentina are the second-best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that."
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off."
"The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game."
"That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong."
"I think Ron will be pulling him off at half time and no mistakin'."
"You'd think the Moroccans would have learnt their lesson by now. You can't win games without scoring goals."
"You'd think the Cameroonians would have learnt their lesson by now. You can't get very far with such brutal tackles. It's just not cricket you know.
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2024 BC Masters Provincial A Cup - Predictions, Results & Banter- Latest: Rangerforever
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