Beer

[Demolition]

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,(I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
- Barmen.

 

[Fastshow]

guffaw....

A woman goes into a pub and asks for a double entendre so the barman gives her one.

 

[BlazeArmy]

New FDA warnings re alcohol consumption

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.


WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. Ten Feet Tall and Bullet Proof!!


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

 

[BlazeArmy]

17 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "Bare assed" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

 

[BlazeArmy]

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

 

[BlazeArmy]

Signs You Have a Drinking Problem


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

When you can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth!

George W. starts to make sense.

Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

You've fallen and you can't get up.

When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....

BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

 

[the manager]

Blaze Barmy

look up to .....oh, lets say the first post on this one page thread

come on BA, you must have a few in you already as you don't seem to be so daft

amen

 

[the manager]

BA,

quick on the post edits I see....

 

[BlazeArmy]

Looooooooong day at work. Day 13 on the Christmas drink train. I profusely apologize.


Army

 

[the manager]

Ok, well if it's day 13, you're off the hook....

merry Christmas