High Intensity Discharge (HID) Headlights
I’m referring to those annoying bright, blue-tinted, headlights that are increasingly available on high-end automobiles. In particular, it’s those fcuking SUV’s that have them installed, only to sit right behind you in late night traffic and shine one in your rear-view mirror and the other in your driver-side. Instead of dealing with the slow, painful burning of my retinas, I wish those pricks would just line up a dozen laser-pointers across their bumper and put my eyes out of their misery right quick.
Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers
Have you seen the latest club craze? No, not taking 9mm pot-shots at women trying to break up fights on their way out. I’m talking about these Cylon-eyed towel dispensers that bars are beginning to install. Wave you hand in front; you may have one piece of paper. Wait 20 seconds. Wave your hand in front; you may have a second piece. Wait 20 seconds. And so on. It feels like you’re being rationed sweets from your mother as a four year old.
”I’m Loving It” (aka “ailing vomit”)
Even though I couldn’t stand McDonald’s new slogan from the get-go, I recently took in the last bit of Fromage 2003 and discovered that “I’m Loving It” is, in fact, a Justin “Lost-Britney-to-a-poor-Albuquerque-farm-hick” Timberlake knock-off. Now I hate it even more. As a rockin’ and rollin’, 30-something Vancouverite, I don’t need some teenage-whitey, hippity-hop music to entice me to eat their beef-fat fried fries.
I believe the The Best Page in Universe put it best:
Spam
Sorry, assholes, but I’m thin enough, my website is advertised enough, my penis is big enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone-it, I can find my own porn.
Get out of my inbox and get in the closet.
Mike Bullard
First you sucked on CTV. Then, after long, painful years, you got cut. Painful: not because I watched you and suffered, but because I always had to hear your annoying chuckle and your body jiggle up and down when you laughed at your own jokes as I flipped between Radio-Canada and the God Channel. Most figured you were gone for good. But NO! For some astonishing – but, as yet, unheard of reason outside Toronto – you garnered a new life-line on Global. And, unfortunately for me, the only channel I now get with my rabbit ears.
Thankfully, though, it’s been a couple of months since your return and you’ve seemed to have been quietly axed in favour of reruns of JAG and Extreme Make-Over – both of which are far better programming choices than your lard-ass.
This time, step into the TTP closet on the way out, close the door, and shut the lights. You were done before you even began.
I’m referring to those annoying bright, blue-tinted, headlights that are increasingly available on high-end automobiles. In particular, it’s those fcuking SUV’s that have them installed, only to sit right behind you in late night traffic and shine one in your rear-view mirror and the other in your driver-side. Instead of dealing with the slow, painful burning of my retinas, I wish those pricks would just line up a dozen laser-pointers across their bumper and put my eyes out of their misery right quick.
Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers
Have you seen the latest club craze? No, not taking 9mm pot-shots at women trying to break up fights on their way out. I’m talking about these Cylon-eyed towel dispensers that bars are beginning to install. Wave you hand in front; you may have one piece of paper. Wait 20 seconds. Wave your hand in front; you may have a second piece. Wait 20 seconds. And so on. It feels like you’re being rationed sweets from your mother as a four year old.
”I’m Loving It” (aka “ailing vomit”)
Even though I couldn’t stand McDonald’s new slogan from the get-go, I recently took in the last bit of Fromage 2003 and discovered that “I’m Loving It” is, in fact, a Justin “Lost-Britney-to-a-poor-Albuquerque-farm-hick” Timberlake knock-off. Now I hate it even more. As a rockin’ and rollin’, 30-something Vancouverite, I don’t need some teenage-whitey, hippity-hop music to entice me to eat their beef-fat fried fries.
I believe the The Best Page in Universe put it best:
Besides, they already had me at a buck sixty-nine.To quote Bill Lamar, senior vice president and chief marketing officer of McDonald's USA:
“It will rekindle the emotional bond our customers have with McDonald's through a campaign that depicts how people live, what they love about life and what they love about McDonald's.”
Anyone who has an emotional bond with McDonald's, or anyone who can relate anything they love about life to a company that sells deep fried processed chicken meat should be stabbed in the face.
Spam
Sorry, assholes, but I’m thin enough, my website is advertised enough, my penis is big enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone-it, I can find my own porn.
Get out of my inbox and get in the closet.
Mike Bullard
First you sucked on CTV. Then, after long, painful years, you got cut. Painful: not because I watched you and suffered, but because I always had to hear your annoying chuckle and your body jiggle up and down when you laughed at your own jokes as I flipped between Radio-Canada and the God Channel. Most figured you were gone for good. But NO! For some astonishing – but, as yet, unheard of reason outside Toronto – you garnered a new life-line on Global. And, unfortunately for me, the only channel I now get with my rabbit ears.
Thankfully, though, it’s been a couple of months since your return and you’ve seemed to have been quietly axed in favour of reruns of JAG and Extreme Make-Over – both of which are far better programming choices than your lard-ass.
This time, step into the TTP closet on the way out, close the door, and shut the lights. You were done before you even began.