Div 2 VMSL Division 2 Championship Training Secrets Part II

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Dapotayto

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We all know that the average division 2 "athlete" is a special breed. This thread is dedicated to spreading knowledge of special training techniques, tactics and rituals so that footballers world-wide may play at their full potential.

I will start. We've had one practice a week at Champlain Heights for over a week now. We practiced inter-team arguing, moaning at the ref and humping the ball over the fence. Then it was on to shooting drills.

I find the most effective way to score consistently on the keeper during shooting drills is:

a) Have a 10 year-old girl (or Champlain Keeper) in net
or
b) Fire it hard at the goalies nuts every time. It is very awkward for keeps to handle the shot and they lose their focus (see: get angry) quite quickly. There's nothing better in soccer than hearing the sharp thud of a ball lambasting a keeper's nutsack.

Finally, we ended up doing some running up and down a hill. I paid Phil to run mine for me.

This thread is dedicated to The Manager and his world-class fitness level.
 

the manager

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ahh...the spawn of an imaginative manager's imagination has seen it's second incarnation for this new season. thanks for the dedication dap, the only resemblance i currently posses of your label "world class fitness level" is rather girthy globe like shape since manning the position of fatherhood and not midfielder, or striker, water boy...you get the picture. (did I just ttp me???)

I recomend diaper changing as a good way to improve agility and speed for a div 2 calibre of play...

parenting,

manager
 

termatofylakas

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Dapotayto said:
I find the most effective way to score consistently on the keeper during shooting drills is:

a) Have a 10 year-old girl (or Champlain Keeper) in net
QUOTE]

Geez taking low blows at me already. To bad the person that potted the fewest on me was you :wa: but sorry I forgot your leg was hurting ;)

This week I will show you how to put the ball into the net right after I see you miss it for the 30th time in a row. :eek:
 

Dapotayto

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Ah, CK, I'm not sure you understand how this works, so I'll explain it to you. I plagiarize a topic from The Manager, you then post funny stuff about the topic. Ideally, you take the piss. I'm not sure how to explain what "pisstaking" is, but I know there's a website somewhere that deals with it. I'll see if I can find the address for you.

So, CK, do you have some sort of goalie ritual or training technique you might pass along? Something like, "when picking the ball out of the net after Dapotayto has slammed it home again, it helps to wear a bag over your head. This way the neighborhood kids won't recognize you on the street and throw rocks at you". :wa:
 

knvb

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Here’s where you’ve gone wrong Dap, well, here is one of many places you’ve deviated from the path of enlightenment to purchase a one way ticket to hell wearing wool underpants and, not forgetting to mention, where you’ve gone wrong with your thread idea. Don't worry about that last bit so much though it was more for me than you so as I don’t forget where I’m going with the senseless rambling. Where was I?

Ah yes… This is the Div 2 section ya? Still with me?

You’ve gone with the moderators best mate plagiarism innit? It’s a wonderful tool, hell it got me through Grades 11 and nearly grade 12, the second time, but some of the key points to successful plagiarism is your attention to original writers context. You must make it your own in some special way but not like when your mother made you her own by hog-tying you ripping off your diaper and branding your little backside with a life size silhouette of Webster, last week. Though with select teachers and in this case crowd you can get away with it and I think you have here, but where you c0cked it up, and to finish my babbling, is in the date, Spud. Manager didn’t start his thread until late December. Div 2 guys don’t practice in September October? Who is going to come up with funny training stories when there is no training? Silly cnut.

Remember the wool underpants, Dap, and you’ll be fine.
 

Dapotayto

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What the fcuk are you on about? This is not the 'spew a load of bullshite all over the computer' thread. It is 'Championship Training Secrets' for high-calibre Division 2 athletes. Have you anything constructive to add to this scintillating discussion between me and myself? I'll make a suggestion. Give us some drills you might do if you were running a practice and I'll outline a few of mine.

First, I would start off doing some give-and-gos. Then I'd move onto wall passes. Later I'd have the boys do some one-twos, followed by a drill in which one player passes the ball to another player, makes a run, and has the 2nd player immediately return the pass to him in his stride. There you go, a diverse, varied and comprehensive training program utilizing four completely different drills.

And you?
 

knvb

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Yet another mistake...

When you coach as many kiddies teams that I have in the last 4 years you know what to do when you're dealing with the errr... less skilled ones. You need to ensure they can do the basics before you throw in such trickery in like passing and moving, wall passes, one- two's and the grand daddy, having a player passes the ball to another player after he makes a run and have the 2nd player immediately return the pass to him in his stride.

Here's what I would do if I were you... First I'd kill myself, but undoubtedly since I'm you I would fcuk it up so, instead try and run an easy session. Start with an good warm up, filling up the water bottles never fails to produce a sweat. Fitness is key early so make sure the cooler is fully stocked. Start your session with manipulating the knot on the ball bag, baring major hang-ups injury or the dreaded ‘double knot’ move on to pumping the contents up. Don't forget to spit first. You wouldn't want to go in dry and break the needle. (There is a bit of free life advice there too.)

Start there Spud. And in no time I’ll get you kicking the ball with-out breaking your toe.
 

BlazeArmy

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As a member of last years Div 2 championship winning team, i feel it is only right that i give some of my brilliant insight to those still playing at such a low and crass level.

1st week of training

KNVB, first you start with the round things in the netting bag. We call it a "soccer ball". The object of the game is to put said " soccer ball" into the other teams goal. The goal is that big silver thing with a fishing net tied to the back. The white lines along the field are not for your enjoyment Dap a la Robbie Fowler. those are the boundary lines. Do not let ball go outside. Remember gentlemen only the guy in the goalie jersey ( normally pink but in dap's team case yellow as the squad wears pink) can use his hands. He can only use his hands in the rectangle at the end of the field. No not the small one Dap the big one outside the smaller one. Good lad. Right now to positions. Who can kick the ball far? Right your defensemen, your job is to kick the guys on the other side trying to score on the guy in yellow. If you get ball kick as far as you can towards the other teams goal. Right, who here thinks their fit. Good , you lot are midfielders. you stay in front of the defenseman and do the same sort of thing. You also need to chase the "soccer ball" around the fied and try to get it. Think of yourselves as dog's going after a bone or Peg going after a win, but i digress. Right the rest of you fat useless lot are forwards. Your job is to prance around the centreline when the ball is in our half. when it is in their half your trying to put the ball into their net. Remember to moan whenever a pass isn't directly to your feet, and blame the " ball", "wind" , "pitch" or my personal favorite the ref on the fact that you aren't putting the ball into their net. Crap, which one of you can't run and is a bit of a nutter. For fcuk sake not all of you, alright, who's the biggest nutter.Right your the goalie. Don't let the other team put the ball into your net. Yes you can use your hansds. No, karate chops are illegal. For fcuks sake i give up. See the cooler over there. Make sure it is filled up completely and you have enough ice. That is your basic first weeks practise and until next week's session with CoachArmy, Shalom.
 

knvb

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KNVB, first you start with the round thing in the net bag. We call it a "soccer ball".
Why the fcuk is the ball in the net bag? Where do you put the bibs, in your shoe? If you're going to be an idiot and wreak Daps thread like the rest of us at least do it right.
 

BlazeArmy

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KNVB

the Net bag is mad of a net not a bag for nets. I have edited the post to meet your high standards.

I think you meant wreck not wreak. Wreck beach as apposed to wreak havoc.

Anyway, Give one to Claudia for me. She likes it bent over the net. :D

Bastard.

Muckerly Yours

Army
 

Dapotayto

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At Vinnie's request I moderated my ass out to practice last night to find us employing the latest fad in training strategies. Its called the "five people total show up to practice" technique. Undismayed at the turnout we commenced practice with shooting. Then we ended it with shooting as well, not too much later. All I really want to know is who put the ball-magnet in that fcuking tree beside the goal? Also, the crossbar and posts on the goal were obviously way too big and the goal wasn't wide enough or high enough either. Fcuking parks board better sort that shite out. And soon.

BlazeArmy, where is part 2 of your lesson? I've been practicing my prancing and moaning constantly while laying in wait of your next post. I need the info so I can take it to another level. All the way up to middle-upper division 2 quality.
 
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