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USA Bashing

Fastshow

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fantasy.........



Subject: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE




To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect fairly a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate (whatever they are) will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to become confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shite".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.


Thank you for your cooperation.
 

Hands of Stone

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Americans Love Chili

Subject: FW: Texas Chili Contest (HILARIOUS !!!!!!!!)
> >
> >If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running
> down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
> >
> >NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
> >
> >For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> >They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
> >
> >The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast
> >
> >"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
> >
> >
> >Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> >Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
> >
> >Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shite, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
> >
> >Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shite-faced from all of the beer.
> >
> >Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills that 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> >
> >
> >Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
> >
> >Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shite myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> >
> >Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> >
> >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shite to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> >Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> >
> >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >
> >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

mmmmmmmmchili
 

Regs

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During his audience with Queen Elizabeth last year, George W Bush turned to

her and said, "As ah'm the President of my great country ma'am, ah'm

thinking of changing the way it's referred to. From now on ah'm for thinking

it should be called a Kingdom."

The Queen looked at him aghast and replied, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to make

it a Kingdom you'd have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George W thought for a while and then said, "How about a Principality then

ma'am?"

To this the Queen replied, "Again, to become a Principality you'd have to be

a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."

This time George W thought long and hard and came up with, "Well how's about

an Empire then ma'am?"

The Queen, by now getting somewhat annoyed, replied impatiently, "Sorry

again Mr Bush, but to have an Empire you'd need an Emperor in charge - and

you are not an Emperor!"

Then, before George W could utter another word, the Queen added, "Anyway,

why the need for change? We all think you're doing quite nicely as a

Country..."

 

lita

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Something for the Women

The normally serious Cheney flashed a winning smile for Borkin,
and Guldan snapped an attention-grabbing photo that would later be
chosen for the front page of the paper's September 11 Metro section.

Guldan got a call from a reader the next day. 'Did you notice anything
unusual about that picture?' the reader asked.

Upon closer inspection, it seems the vice president's smile was not
his biggest, ahem, asset. Is that what we think it is?

'You're not imagining it,' Guldan says of the unintentionally revealing photo.



http://www.milwaukeemagazine.com/122004/pressroom.html
 

trece verde

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...just another reason why he's called Dick :rolleyes: although that's usually short for "Dickhead"

not visualizing world peace any time soon.....

stew :cool:
 

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