The truth

SC

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how would you know?

are you speaking from experience, or did you go 'upstairs' for that one;)

+Scknowswherethepowerliesandsomemaythinkitisontheirknees

the truth is out there:confused: :eek:
 

Fastshow

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...........

Ian Paisley was on a tour of a
> multi-denominational school and he
> > > asked the classroom, "Give me an example of
> a tragedy" A little
> > > Protestant girl stood up and said, "If a
> person fell off a tree
> > > whilst playing, that would be a tragedy".
> "Very good", said Ian,
> > > "but that would not be a tragedy, that would
> be an accident!" A
> > > little Methodist boy stood up and said, "If a
>
> busload of children
> > > crashed off a cliff, that would be a
> tragedy!" Another good one",
> > > answered Ian, "but that would not be a
> tragedy, that would be a
> > > great loss". A little Catholic boy stood up
> and said, "If you were
> > > in a helicopter flying over Belfast, Mr.
> Paisley, and it blew up,
> > > then that would be tragedy!". "Excellent",
> said Ian feeling very
> > > flattered and pleased with himself, "but how
>
> did you know that was
> > > a tragedy?" Well", said the young lad, "It
> wouldn't be a great loss
> > > and it certainly wouldn't be a fcuking
> accident".
> >
 

Demolition

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The Pastor

A pastor walked into a neighbourhood pub.The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.

He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way." So the
bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.

Now, how about that drink?"
 

Fastshow

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generalisations are fun........


An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar.

There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out :
"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a
pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out : "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is
gone! It's a miracle !!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"

Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says:

"Back off, mate! I'm on Disability.........."
 

downtown

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Meanwhile, back in New Brunswick...

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1 handsome **** he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumours of ****-fights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome ****?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome ****?"

All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among
you will confess to having seen a **** that doesn't belong to
you?"

Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody seen my ****?"

All the choirboys stood up.
 

trece verde

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What you have to do...

compliments of a friend in the auld country...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...
 

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