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The last person you would want to mug......

cside17

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If someone were to ask you who the last person anyone should ever dare to mug is, what name would be your answer? This lister is betting on 80% or better of respondents answering, “Chuck Norris.”

Amazingly, astoundingly, two idiots managed to try just that. It happened in 1994. Norris mentions this whole thing in his autobiography, “Against All Odds.” And, by his testimony, this is what happened. Honest to God, it really happened.

In 1994, right at the beginning of his run as Walker, Texas Ranger, Norris was, and still is, living in Dallas, Texas, where the show was filmed. One day he was walking down the street by himself, no entourage, no fans following him, no bodyguards, not even his wife. He turned a commercial block in the downtown skyscraper area and saw two men a little bigger than he coming straight for him from the other end of the block.

They were staring right at him, and he figured they wanted autographs, which he enjoys signing. So he walked up to them and stopped with a smile, whereupon they stood in front of him, whipped out a couple of large pocketknives, and one of them demanded, “Give me your wallet, Chuck! Give it here!”

Norris actually opened his mouth wide and then asked, “Are you insane!?”

“No! We know who you are! And we know you got a lot of money! Now give it up, or you’re dead!”

Now before we go further, let us just go over a few of the particulars. All jokes aside, Chuck Norris truly does have the following black belts: 1st degree in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, 8th Degree Grandmaster in Tae Kwon Do, 9th degree in Jeet Kune Do under Bruce Lee and Lee’s best student, Dan Inosanto, 10th degree in Shito Ryu Karate, 10th degree in Tang Soo Do, 11th degree in Chun Kuk Do.

Granted, the last art is his own concoction, a hybrid of all the best moves he has learned over the years, all blended for both self-defense and competition, and you are only allowed a 10th degree or better in anything when you found your own dojo. But suffice to say, the muggers didn’t even use guns. From a hundred feet away. They used knives within arm’s reach. What happened next was rather anti-climactic.

The police arrived about 4 minutes later, 3 officers in two cars, and were greeted by the scene of two men with SEVERELY broken arms (the bones had gone through the skin) sitting on the curb, two bloody knives in the gutter, and Chuck Norris, the Almighty Himself, leaning against the wall, wearing his beard, jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat….he shrugged at them. The police started laughing so hard that they bent over, holding their sides, unable to put the handcuffs on the muggers. One of them managed to ask, “Did you not know who he was?!”

One of them said, “Yeah, we knew who he was! We figured all that crap on TV was fake!”
 

johnnybluenose

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LMFAO!!!!

Crop Circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes Corn needs to lie down
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack, his heart isn't foolish enough to attack him
Chuck Norris can divide by Zero.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin, it's descendants are known as Giraffes
They once made Chuck Norris Toilet Paper, one problem: It wouldn't take shite from anybody
Chuck Norris invented Black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except Pink, that was invented by Tom Cruise.
 

cascadesoccer

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Chuck Norris really died in 1973, Death's just to affraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris rents VHS tapes and never rewinds them............ever
Superman, wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris does not take showers, only bloodbaths
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris knows EXACTLY where Carmen San Diego is.
 

number10hamburgler

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In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot – and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
 

bergamascho

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Jesus, I'm laughing so hard at these jokes, they never get old. My work day is flying by...thank you TTP, thank you!!!
 

cascadesoccer

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hahahaha best thread ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
When life gave Chuck Norris lemons he used to kill terrorists, Chuck Norris HATES lemonade.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares at them until it gives him the information he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls "everything around you".
Chuck Norris once had sex on a tractor, his sperm leaked into the engine, I bring you...........OPTIMUS PRIME.
 

mikey_c_9

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Loving the Chuck Norris jokes...

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
 

italian_stallion21

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Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
 

Tuna

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Jul 4, 2005
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Loving the Chuck Norris jokes...

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

mikey, it's glaringly apparent that you tried to make up these Chuck Norris jokes yourself. Please don't quit your day job.
 

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