Tales from China- for SC

[Dude]

This is for Sexual Chocolate, and anyone else who has spent a term in Asia teaching english.

My cousin is spending a term there, and is nearing the end of it, along with the end of his rope. The lad is going bonkers. He sent out this e-mail, and I laughed my bag off.

This is unedited:

The Straw that Almost Broke the Camel's Back

Hey everyone.

I know my last few emails have tended to be on the negative side. Me complaining about the chinese way of doing things, the personal hygene of the people here and just my overall frustration with the PRC as a whole. I don't know what you are all thinking. I know that some of you thin I may have lost my mind, (Although there wasn't much of one there to begin with.) But through all my bitching and complaining, the frustration and growing impatience, I have but one refuage. My appartment.

My appartment is a modest place by Canadian standards, but I'm sure very nice by chinese standards. When you first enter my place you are in the kitchen, to your right is the bathroom. Walk straight through another door and you are in what the chinese call a "sitting room." The sitting room is about 12x12 the exact dimensions of my bedroom that is in the next room which can be seperated by a sliding opaque glass door, which I always have open. In the back of my place I have, well I call it a laundry room. Not big, more like 5x12. That's where I wash my clothes and hang them up to dry since no one in China has a dryer.

I've done little things to my place to make it my home away from home. My
little patch of Canadian soil right in the middle of Communist China. I have a Canadian flag hanging on the wall over my bed and pictures of the 2002-2003 Vancouver Canucks as well as the 2002 Olympic hockey team. I even have a "crazy eddie" type picture in my bathroom just like we used to have at 453 (453 is a bachelor dive Sean used to rent in Sapperton with his buddies). It's Issac from "The Love Boat smiling and pointing at me when I sit down on the John. Just something to make me laugh every day.

I usually lock my door at night when I go to sleep. I live inside a gated school so there aren't alot of robberies here, if any. I feel very safe, but sometimes I forget to lock my door. I forgot last night.

Since I've been on vacation I've been staying up and sleeping late. I did that too last night. That playstation can be addictive. well I drifted off to sleep at about 3 last night and was dead to the world. Dead to the world, until the rude awakening I had. When I woke up at 10 in the morning I noticed 3 strangers in my house. I recognised one of them was from the school. Two men one woman.

I got up and freaked out on them. They couldn't understand a ****ing word I was saying but I'm sure they got the meaning. I went to the door, which was still open, and said in my english and broken chinese, " In Canada you knock on the door, if no one answers you don't come in!" They stood there dumbfounded. so I told them to leave and used the universal go away shoo- shoo out of here sign. I think I even threw in a, “Mao mao diddy mao” at them. It's not chinese, I know, but when you are standing in front of three chinese people in your boxers after the rude awakening I had. You resort to anything to get them the **** out of your house.

One of them started saying something about Mr. Pan, the Chinese English teacher who has been my liason since I got here, but I was in no mood for listening. I told them to get Mr. pan to call me, (which he still hasn't) to explain this blatiant invasion of my privacy.

Now after all that, know I would have left if I was in their shoes, but nooooo, they still stood there. One of them kept saying "sorry, sorry" to me but him saying that wasn't getting his ass out the door. Finally I just pointed to the door and yelled "OUT!' over and over again until they left. I made damn sure I locked the door when They left.

I still don't know what the **** they were doing in my appartment, nor do I give a flying ****. This is MY space. My PRIVATE space. Privacy is a word not too many of the Chinese are familiar with. I guess 1.3 billion people reduces the ammount of privacy you can have, But still, use your ****ing head. It's just rude to come into someones home uninvited, not to mention waking their ass up. I won't lie to you it was almost the last straw. For about a half an hour after that I considered packing my bags and heading home for Canada. A country where you can sleep in your bed and not worry about three chinese people waltzing into your home and waking you up. Tomorrow I'm hunting down Mr. Pan and giving him an earfull. I'm gonna tell him that if it happens again they will have to find a new foreign teacher. If a Chinese person comes to Canada they need a visa. If you want to come to my house, you need a ****ing invite. This is Canadian soil as far as I'm concerned and I'll defend it with my last dying breath.

Okay so other than the incredable rudeness of my chinese hosts, I'm not doing too bad. Coming to grips with all the other things that have been bothering me these past few weeks. People stare at me (Sean is about 6’4”, 230 lbs). I just stare at them right back. People yell "Hello" to me in the streets, I yell "Bonjour!" people point and say "la wai" I point back and say "chinaman." I think I've got it licked and actually have a lot of fun. The expression of peoples faces when I say bonjour is especially funny and I just know that even though I'm on their turf here in the PRC, I can play by my rules and change
them accordingly.

Would give my left nut for a Molson Canadian,

Fargi

Mao mao diddy mao,

Dude.

 

[One Dart]

If a Chinese person comes to Canada they need a visa. If you want to come to my house, you need a ****ing invite.

I love it. He couldn't have said it any better.

 

[SC]

I can totally relate...

Thanks Dude!

All of this reminds me of the time when I answered the door in my sports bra. My landlady and cable dude barged their way in to set up the cable (we had not asked for it, but someone saw us carry a tv upstairs).

The landlady (absolutely no English) proceeded to walk around the house and inspect it. She insisted on observing my cooking and food in the toaster oven (making 'mmmm' noises). It was the worst timing anyone can have. 3:30 in the afternoon, I hadn't showered or eaten and had to leave for work in under 30 minutes.

Next thing you now the retired security guard, who sleeps from 11am to 3pm daily, shows up in my apartment, decideds to take a piss in my bathroom (with the door open). He pissed all over the seat not to mention.

I was scrambling around as they spoke to me in Mandarin. At that point all I could say in Mandarin was "I hear you, but I don't understand" "I don't know" "blah blah" "FCUK!" To make it worse, since I was so late, and now my meal was burning, I had to take my shower.

The landlady followed me into the bathroom, I just got undressed and turned on the shower. I tried to ignore her, but she insisted on talking to me, with the door open. When I got out of the shower, bleached the toilet seat and 'tried to eat', the three of them were sitting down watching the brand new TV with cable. One can just die from the ignorance here..

Dude, if your cousin thinks he's got it rough, trying being a young (looking) female with dark skin and being told every day that your colour is "bad". People vacate an area when you sit down in a public place. It's hard enough being a foreigner, but also facing racism day in and day out it totally fcuked.

+"The thicked skinned Canadian Girl"

SC

 

[Dude]

Just start yelling "Mao mao diddy mao", followed with "Racist Chinamen!"

Apparently it'll do nothing more than make you laugh. They'll think you're nuts, but I'm sure they already do!

 

[Fastshow]

inspired.......

A country where you can sleep in your bed and not worry about three chinese people waltzing into your home and waking you up.

The mental image of three ornamentals waltzing into a flat is superb. You need to get this fella on ttp.


And you simply must let us know the reason behind his waltzing intruders, this is the best cliffhanger on ttp in fcuking ages.