Sex, sex, sex

J_B

Member
Est
Jul 22, 2001
Messages
789
Reaction score
5
Tokens
298
Dirty Money
100
33%

I would have to agree with KNVB on that, I was a little nervous to see that meter fly to the 100% percent but was releived when there still was a next button.
 

Fastshow

New Member
Est
Jun 29, 2001
Messages
2,305
Reaction score
2
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
caloric counter

Sex Calorie Counter

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner`s consent.......... 12 calories
Without partner`s consent...... 187

UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands............. 7
Using one trembling hand........ 36

GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner.................. 1.5
Dragging partner along floor.... 16
Using skateboard................. 3

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man........... 2.5
Losing erection................. 14
Searching for it............... 115

PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection.................... 1.5
Without erection............... 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced...................... 6
Inexperienced................... 73
If a man does it............... 650
Add (5) calories for retrieving it from
across the room.

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen............. 26
Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission.. 55
American- Both on top............................. 60

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Bouncing......................... 7
Sliding around................... 9
Serious skidding................ 12
Whiplash........................ 27

ORGASM
Real............................ 27
Faked.......................... 160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off.................. 35
Expression didn't change......... 0.5
Orchestra swelled................ 6
Birds sang:
Large birds...................... 7
Small birds...................... 3
Earth moved..................... 30

PULLING OUT
After orgasm..................... 0.5
A few moments before orgasm.... 500

PENIS ENVY
For woman........................ 3
For men......................... 72

GUILT
Despite no formal training, orgasm comes
easily, naturally.............................. 53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact
that other people are starving.................. 2
Sex on your lunch hour.......................... 3
Putting it on expense account.................. 20

AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant......................... 5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay 14
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time......... 10
Partner is taking phone calls....................... 7
Partner is making phone calls...................... 40

GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse........................... 60
By your spouse............................... 100
Trying to explain............................. 55
Trying to remain calm........................ 100
Leaping out of bed............................ 75
Getting dressed in one motion................ 500
 

cside17

Well-Known Member
Est
Jul 20, 2001
Messages
964
Reaction score
110
Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Tokens
968
Dirty Money
860
Barmaid!

This may have been already posted, but it's a good one.


A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says. 'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.' The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off' he says. 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

'What's up love?' he asks There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off' she says. 'I'll bloody kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband. 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams. 'Right. He's facking dead!!' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat. 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and drink it all' she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...
 

cside17

Well-Known Member
Est
Jul 20, 2001
Messages
964
Reaction score
110
Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Tokens
968
Dirty Money
860
Sunburned

To Prepare for his big date the young man went on top of
the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately he fell asleep while on the roof and sunburned his Johnson..
Being very determined the young man decided not to miss
his date, because it was a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. Feeling this should resolve his painful situation..
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and
the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however the young man's sunburn started acting up.
After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to
be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.
With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

" SO, THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS.....
 

Keeper

New Member
Est
Jul 3, 2001
Messages
5,512
Reaction score
3
Location
-
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
Superhero sex

On a bright sunny day in Gotham City, Wonder Woman decided to work on her all-over tan on the roof of the Justice League of America.

After about an hour, Superman flew by and spotted his lovely super-hero friend completely nude and lookin' fine. He thought to himself, "I could swoop down with my super-speed, have sex at super-speed, and then fly away, and she'd never know. I'll do it."

So down he went, and within a matter of 1/100th of a second -- so fast, that no one could see him -- Superman had his way, climaxed and flew off, proud of job well done.

Noticing that something happened, Wonder Woman exclaimed, "What the hell was that?!"

The Invisible Man yelled, "I don't know, but my ass is killing me!!"
 

Demolition

Member
Est
Sep 4, 2001
Messages
972
Reaction score
0
Location
Over there
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not really a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I know, but I've only been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."

"But I am in love with you, and I want you to make love to me" the wife
whispers seductively into her husbands ear. He meets her passion and
desire and they proceed to have incredible sex. When they are done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm really hungry, I was going to call room service and
get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to
get something to eat."

"Tiger still wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Mr.. Tiger Woods do now?" he asks with an edge to his
voice.

"He'd come back to bed and do it again." she says throwing back the
covers. The guy slams down the phone, goes back to the bed, and makes love
one more time. When they finish he's absolutely exhausted. He drags
himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service again?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
 

the power

New Member
Est
Feb 25, 2002
Messages
740
Reaction score
0
Location
My Hand
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
Santa
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."
 

Guinness

Active Member
Est
Sep 9, 2001
Messages
3,634
Reaction score
13
Location
Changeroom #2
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
Essex Girls

English girls are the BEST!:rolleyes:

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St
Peter asks
the first girl (from Southend), "Charmaine, have you ever had any
contact with a mans thing?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once
touched the head of one with the tip of my finger" St. Peter says, "OK, dip the
tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St.
Peter asks
the next girl (from Grays Furrock) the same question, "Kelly have
you ever had any contact with a mans thing?" The girl is a little reluctant
but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK,
dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a
sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from
Basildon is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! what seems to be the rush?" The
girl replies.. "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do
it before me mate Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!" :eek:
 

Hands of Stone

New Member
Est
Jul 30, 2001
Messages
4,796
Reaction score
2
Location
SSAP 24/7
Tokens
0
Dirty Money
100
Summer Time Fun

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my
bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you
laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your
hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near
crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears
faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing's, making it harder to forget
you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...


......fukcing mosquito.
 

Members online

Latest posts

Top