Pleasing Women

Demolition

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A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.

The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for,you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."


The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind". The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers,
but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do, so again they head for the stairs.
The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors...
So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight" The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.


When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."
 

Fastshow

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sounds about right...


Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at
home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at
home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at
home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.
 

Regs

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Who's Phone?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club, showering, getting changed for the 19th hole. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man picks it up, engages the hands-free speaker function, and begins a conversation

(M=man, W=wife):

M: "Hello?"

W: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

M: "Yes."

W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

M: "What's the price?"

W: "Only $1,000."

M: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

W: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

M: "What price did he quote you?"

W: "Only $60,000."

M: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

M: "What?"

W: " I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year. It's for sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

M: "How much are they asking?"

W: "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price. It may seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account...and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down."

M: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W: "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!!!"

M: "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The man holds up the phone and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 

Buckfast

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Utopic

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM WATCHING PORN


What I've learned from watching porn...

1.Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than
satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. CDK smiles appreciatively when Johnny S. splats him in
the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men (or so Regs says).

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fcuks.

11. People in the 70's couldn't fcuk unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist (unless Fastshow needs a stunt ckoc).

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shite out of you if you shove your **** in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really
excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients' ckocs.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fcuking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's ckoc, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying
result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they
open a man's trousers and find a ckoc there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip!!!!
 

Fastshow

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floral arrangements....

Two friends ~ a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street
> > > > > > > > and pass a
> > > > > > > > flower shop, where the redhead happens to see her
> > > > > > > > boyfriend buying flowers.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
> > > > > > > > again."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like
> > > > > > > > getting flowers
> > > > > > > > from your boyfriend?"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has
> > > > > > > > expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like
> > > > > > > > spending the
> > > > > > > > next three days on my back with my legs in the air.!
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
 

Fastshow

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you can spot this one coming....

> > > HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
> > >
> > > > > To make a woman happy, all you have to do is to be:
> > > > > 1. a friend
> > > > > 2. a companion
> > > > > 3. a lover
> > > > > 4. a brother
> > > > > 5. a father figure
> > > > > 6. a teacher
> > > > > 7. an educator
> > > > > 8. a cook
> > > > > 9. a gardner
> > > > > 10. a carpenter
> > > > > 11. a driver
> > > > > 12. an engineer
> > > > > 13. a mechanic
> > > > > 14. an interior decorator
> > > > > 15. a stylist
> > > > > 16. a sex therapist
> > > > > 17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
> > > > > 18. a psychologist
> > > > > 19. a psychiatrist
> > > > > 20. a therapist
> > > > > 21 a good father
> > > > > 22. a gentleman
> > > > > 23. well organised
> > > > > 24. tidy
> > > > > 25. very clean
> > > > > 27. athletic
> > > > > 28. affectionate
> > > > > 29. affable
> > > > > 30. attentive
> > > > > 31. ambitious
> > > > > 32. amenable
> > > > > 33. articulate
> > > > > 34. bold
> > > > > 35. brave
> > > > > 36. creative
> > > > > 37. courageous
> > > > > 38. complimentary
> > > > > 39. capable
> > > > > 40. decisive
> > > > > 41. intelligent
> > > > > 42. imaginative
> > > > > 43. interesting
> > > > > 44. prudent
> > > > > 45. patient
> > > > > 46. polite
> > > > > 47. passionate
> > > > > 48. respectful
> > > > > 49. sweet
> > > > > 50. strong
> > > > > 51. skilful
> > > > > 52. supportive
> > > > > 53. sympathetic
> > > > > 54. tolerant
> > > > > 55. understanding
> > > > > 56. someone who loves shopping
> > > > > 57. someone who doesn't make problems
> > > > > 58. someone who never looks at other women
> > > > > 59. very rich
> > > > >
> > > > > AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:
> > > > >
> > > > > 60. are neither jealous nor disinterested
> > > > > 61. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with
> > > them
> > > than with her
> > > > > 62. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she
> > > goes
> > >
> > > > > ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
> > >
> > > > > 63. Not forget the dates of:
> > > > > * anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
> > > > > * graduation
> > > > > * birthday
> > > > > * menstruation
> > > > >
> > > > > However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you
> > > are
> > > not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day
> > > feel
> > > overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and
> > > run off
> > > with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk-bon viveur she meets...
> > > > >
> > >
> > > > > HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
> > > > >
> > > > > 1. Give him a blow-job every day.
 

handcannon

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And buckfast should know

Absolutely classic Bucky! Still giggling in my office at that one.

There are a couple of others:

No matter how hard the man is pumping, it can always be "Harder and faster".

A woman riding up and down at 120 mph on a man's rod causes no pain whatsoever.

Delivering Pizza has its benefits.

Underwear is not commonly worn, and if it is, should be almost impossible to see.

Women continually need reassurance, due to the fact that they are always asking, "Do you like that?"

HC
 

Fastshow

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gem...

Amazingly, due to the new feminist attitude that publishers now face, Guinness have been forced to publish a FEMALE version of the Guinness Book of Records. This is, allegedly, an excerpt.


Car Parking: The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the
pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Film Confusion: The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th of October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to
watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Incorrect Driving: The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke
billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Jumble Sale Massacre: The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in
another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £8.28 for local boy scouts.

Gossiping: On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 10pm, Mrs. Banbury
immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit: The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.
Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Single Breath Sentence: An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour.
She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved An
unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.
 

lawts

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Pleasing them is a never ending task, however have you ever notice ladies have so many days in which we have to bring them flowers or make dinner or do something romantic(ie valentines, ect). Us men on the other hand have so little to look forward to we don't want flowers, shite what the fcuk am I going to do with flowers. They have all these special days it's time for one for the men, I will call it STEAK AND BLOWJOB DAY , during this day girlfriends and wives cannot mention any feelings or issues they just cook and then give us blowjobs or even better I will eat my steak while getting a blowjob, yeah that sound nice.:D

I know this isn't a joke, but what the fcuk steak and blowjob day must catch a following somewhere if it is to become a national holiday as it should

Cheers Lawts
 

Fastshow

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geography; men vs. women


Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like Portugal or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man ...
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
 

SC

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instead of creating a new thread...

yet again, another joke that has most likely done the rounds in our cyber world...:rolleyes:

Personal Adds Explained
WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish...................... 49
Adventurer.................. Slept with all your friends
Athletic.................... No tits
Average looking............. Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............ Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated.................... Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.......... Medicated
Feminist.................... Fat ballbuster
Free spirit................. Junkie
Friendship first............ Trying to live down reputation as a bitch
Fun......................... Annoying
Gentle...................... Comatose
Good Listener...............Borderline Autistic
New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............... Lights out, missionary position only,no BJs
Open-minded................. Desperate
Outgoing.................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.................. Sloppy drunk
Poet........................ Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional................ Certified Bitch
Redhead..................... Bad dye-job
Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.................. Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height. ................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.............. Stalker
Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart.............. Old bat


MEN'S ADS

40-ish................ 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated.............. Will patronize the shite out of you
Free Spirit........... Banging your sister
Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.......... Arrogant
Very good looking..... Dumb as a board
Honest................ Pathological Liar
Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy
Mature................ Older than your father
Open-minded........... Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not
interested
Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive........ Gay
Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts
 

SC

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Did you know?

that 35% of the people that advertise in the personals are married?

+SC says why bother, when you can go out and find your own married companion:eek:

;)
 

SC

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Top Ten Men

>>*******The Top Ten Men!!********

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"

2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"

8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
 

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