Perspective

[5bigtoes]

TEN INDUSPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW THAT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Anything below 45 degrees is cold. You should be wearing a jacket and long pants.
3. Jesus was not White.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. Yes, Black folks do tan.
6. There's a very thin line between being a legitimately cool White person and being an insulting wanna-be gangster.
7. Thomas Jefferson did father Sally Hemmings' children.
8. Bob Hope has never been funny.
9. In his prime, Joe Louis would have beaten the snot out of Rock Marciano. So would Muhammad Ali.
10. Making money does not make you a man.


TEN INDUSPUTABLE TRUTHS WHITE PEOPLE KNOW THAT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT

1. O.J. did it.
2. Gold plating does not make everything better.
3. Just because you have ten fingers does not mean you have to wear ten rings.
4. Tupac is dead.
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Spandex and mini-skirts are not for everyone.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. Larry Bird wasn't just "white hype", he can play.
9. Your sound system should not be worth more than your car.
10. Making babies does not make you a man.

 

[Regs]

Drinking

One Afternoon at the Torch Light Inn, Chub Harper was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Jack: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest member.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks

 

[Fastshow]

yes....

DEAR HELPDESK

A friend is having trouble with his system.

Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which
he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only
solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 etc

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had
many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down
completely for several weeks.

Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0
only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his
dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0.

However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come
bundled with Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable Guaranteed for a limited period). But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be
unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and cannot be
deleted they then resurface months (or years) later.

Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGEzip and no option
on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating
regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which
can't be turned off.

Any Ideas??

 

[Demolition]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I
come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our
sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to
spella
'Mississippi'."

 

[Fastshow]

you'll see this one coming....


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

 

[Belfast Cowboy]

Typical

Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.