One Man's Story

Do you give a flying chuff about someone you don't knows footballing ability????

  • Yes, deeply..........

    Votes: 1 12.5%
  • I love Saint too.......

    Votes: 4 50.0%
  • Are you taking the piss?

    Votes: 3 37.5%
  • Fastshow, I thought you were good. How could you have lied to me all thse years? Do I mean nothing t

    Votes: 3 37.5%

  • Total voters
    8

Fastshow

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One Clown's Story- A TTP After-School Special.......

This was due to go out with the Fastshow fanclub's bumper Christmas hamper but, due to incessant demand, Christmas has come early for some.


Until the age of 12, the one some call Fastshow but most call Insufferable Frontbum played for Surrey United. At the age of 12, Fastshow had a life-altering evening. While on trial for the Surrey United Regals of the newly-formed Gold division, Fastshow, for the first time, faced Saint, househusband's favourite. This moment would alter the course of Fastshow's life despite the fact Saint later vanished into the Fleetwood evening, not to be seen again for a number of heart-wrenching adolescent years.

Having played for the Regals for several successful seasons, Fastshow, sheep-like, followed Teroy Wood to Delta Metro. It was during his time at Delta Metro that Fastshow met a great number of other players, generally 22 at a time. KNVB was one of these players and left such an indelible impression on Fastshow that they barely ever spoke and didn't have any contact with one another for the next twelve years of bliss, by which point KNVB wasn't even a keeper anymore. Saint remained an elusive yet fascinating figure to the young Fastshow. Representing North Delta Senior Secondary and collecting a loser's medal in the Provincial Final followed, with Fastshow's only glimpse of Saint coming in a hugely lopsided fixture against North Surrey Senior Secondary on NDSS's way to the Provincials runners-up-big-gold-medallion. NDSS hammered North Surrey after extra-time and pk's 1-0.

While playing for Delta Metro and NDSS, Fastshow attended Simon Fraser University's Provincial side's weekly training sessions at, strangely, SFU, the second best University in British Columbia. It was here Fastshow met a collection of outstanding players, a collection who could, surely, tell Fastshow where Saint had hidden. Sadly this was not the case. In search of his boyhood hero, Fastshow had the opportunity to travel to Japan and participate in the SBS Cup against Japan, Korea, and Brazil. It was on this representative side that the 16 year-old Fastshow met Buckfast and Balsa. And fifteen others. In a cruel twist of fate, Fastshow was not able to find Saint while on tour in the Far East and Buckfast and Balsa were of little help. Nor did they know where Saint was.

Graduation from High School (eventually) concatenated and with it left the chance to ever play for NDSS despite several letters to the Delta schoolboard demanding to know the reasoning behind their ageist policy of over-25's being ineligible for selection. Fastshow found himself on an aeroplane to Australia next, as a stowaway with another representative side. Having bribed Phil Brown into giving him the captaincy due to his tenancy of several racy photographs of Phil in Scottish attire, Fastshow led his side to a successful tour of Antipodea. Still no sign of Saint despite Fastshow having had the opportunity to cradle a sleeping Koala, an event which somehow encouraged further thoughts of Fastshow's boyhood chum.

Instead of turning to wine, women, song, and the warm embrace of Class 'A' narcotics (those, with the exception of women, would come later), Fastshow came upon (well, not literally despite his constant attempts) PoCoMo FC of the VMSL First Division in his quest for Saint. After a couple enjoyable years of intimidating the opposition of the VMSL with the hardest backline ever assembled and, quite possibly the finest VMSL chorus-line ever assembled under the conductorship of Jinky, Fastshow once again followed, sheep-like, Teroy Wood and toddled off to Pegasus, having moved downtown to be closer to the gay clubs of Vancouver's West End. Someone had once seen Saint in Celebrities and a sighting of his hero was good enough reason to change postal codes as well as sexuality for a scared and confused Fastshow. Salvation was soon to follow in the princely misshapen forms of HoS, Ginge, JR, Luch, and SAINT!!!! A season of rapturous euphoria later and Fastshow found himself back in the Fraser Valley in an effort to make Saint's home a Canadian Heritage Site. (Dizzy) Spells with Britannia and the Delta Highlanders ensued before Fastshow, having failed at his attempt to have Saint's childhood home converted into a museum, experienced two years in the footballing wilderness. During this aphotic time Fastshow flirted with black tar heroin, insanity, marriage, raising chickens, and following Spurs.

In an effort to save his third marriage, Fastshow decided to re-join the footballing community. Sadly, in his drug-addled and Saint-free state, Fastshow opted for the Meraloma Football Club. Nice training facilities, excellent bar, close enough to his open-jail so as never to miss curfew; what could go wrong? They may even have a line on Saint. Notwithstanding the drop in calibre to the Second Division of the VMSL, Fastshow committed himself (not literally, Riverview's First XI was full) and so the season began. With a 7-3 shite-kicking to Champlain Heights, an area that was hitherto unknown to Fastshow. He'd never heard of Champlain Heights either. Many nongermane and tactically-unimpeded 'training' sessions later and, following the stark realisation that his new-found club was choc-full of the biggest malcreants ever assembled, with one very notable exception, the only one with any personality, Fastshow realised his dream of attracting his mates, or bum-buddies as they are more sensibly called, to the club had vanished.

Fastshow left the egregiously dreadful Meraloma club and teased Richmond United into almost signing him before jumping ship to the familiar confines of the Peg/Olys. There's nothing like going home. And being with the Peg/Olys was nothing like going home unless you consider debauchery to an impressive extent and being in possession of barnyard animals going home. Being in close proximity of his mysterious idol, Saint, was also a godsend for Fastshow. The image of his bedroom's Saint effigy would remain constantly in Fastshow's head as he put up the nets at Kinsman and filled Mario's water bottles.

(Dis)Honourable mentions must go to the Lobbans, Club Ireland, and Langley United for also being available outlets for Fastshow to make a complete hash of things during his Lower Mainland footballing years.

Now we see a different chapter in Fastshow's footballing career and find the self-described twat plying his trade on a fourth continent. In the words of one of Fastshow's favourite comics, 'Everything goes in cycles.....we are nearing the end of a secular bear market as footballers, and things will change for the better over the next few years.' This new and exciting chapter is, as most cycles are, cyclical and down to the existence of one man. Saint. Now playing for Fobbing FC of the Essex League, Fastshow sees his boyhood idol at every given opportunity, usually when Saint needs to use the fax machine. While a drunken mixed volleyball injury has put paid to Saint's football for the moment, Fastshow still maintains a fleeting hope of seeing the lazy bastard on a park again one day.


This feature has been brought to you, the viewer, by the characteristics Envy, Delusion, Arrogance, and Self-Importance.






Do you have a story of an unimpressive footballing career? If so, we'd love to hear from you!!!! Please send all submissions to davehleucka@msn.com. A representative will contact you shortly!!!!
 

Dapotayto

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The part about the cradling the Koala was, at once inspiring, but at the same time, melancholy. Thank you. Thank you so much.

P.s. Did you name the Koala? Also, why is it that when ever someone goes off the deep end they begin raising chickens?
 

Fastshow

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I'm telling Regs........

He named it "Saint".
How dare you talk on my and my koalah's behalf? Eh? Who the fcuk do you think you are, man?!


Spud,

I didn't have time to name the poor defenceless mite as, having lovingly put him back in his tree (Saint, not the koalah), the koalah fell out of his own tree while choking on a eucaplyptus leaf.

I will forever bear the scars of that trauma.


If you couldn't already tell.

 

Fastshow

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but Saint actually rather likes you at least.......

Use the e-mail link provided. Someone will contact you about your story.


It's your only chance of stardom.





 

Dude

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I'm not being drawn into that again. The pillates was enough, thanks.

(5,000 word essay to be submitted shortly...)
 

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