Mixed Messages

[Regs]

An old man (Kevan) walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Kevan : I'm 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?

Kevan : What sins?

Priest (stunned): What kind of a Catholic are you?

Kevan : I'm Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Kevan : I'm telling everybody!

 

[Regs]

Dark in here

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in a closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she hides her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$175.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover were placed into the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$375.00"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball around. The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$550.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge someone like that,
that's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shite again."

 

[Belfast Cowboy]

Religon and drinking

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"  "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"  The priest looks at the bottle and says,  "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[SC]

Catholic Moms

4 Catholic Moms

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how important their children are. The first one tells
her friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls
him 'Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps,
"Well, my son is abishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman says smugly,
"Well, not to put you down, but MY son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room,
people say,
'Your Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her the subtle "Well... ?" She replies,
"My son is a gorgeous, 6'-2," hard-body, Chippendale male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, OH MY GOD. . . "

+SCwantstoknowwhatreligionhastodowithanything

 

[SC]

Church Sign

I was driving past a Church in Richmond last night and spotted this sign...

"God only answers knee-mail"

 

[knvb]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear? "She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father"The priest says,"What did he ask, Mary?" She says..."He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun!"

 

[Demolition]

Pearly Gates

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first
man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having
an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I
searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere.
So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and
found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went
inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell,
but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed
it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act
gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and
since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well,
sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my
ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony
of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started
pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some
bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could
really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in
line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

 

[Fastshow]

............

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Lady Di arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter
> > > explains that only one can get through and that they each have to
> > > put forward their case for entry.
> > >
> > > Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made
> > > some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful
> > > music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade
> > > everybody
> > > with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
> > >
> > > "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
> > >
> > > Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will
> > > completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the
> > > cherub
> > > to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel
> > > good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
> > >
> > > "Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"
> > >
> > > Diana does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down
> > > her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny, lets
> > > the
> > > Water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
> > >
> > > "Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
> > >
> > > "Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
> > >
> > > "Fred you know the rules," says St Peter,
> > > "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."

 

[Regs]

It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door.

When he opened it, he found a jackass standing outside, which immediately fell over dead.

Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about what was laying before him.

The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead."

Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin."

 

[Fastshow]

............

If an insect falls into your cup of coffee--what
would you do?
>Here is one analysis:
>
>1.The Englishman: Throws the cup away and walks out
of the cafe
>2.The American: Takes the insect out and drinks the
coffee
>3.The Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee
away
>4.The Besieged Palestinian: Drinks the coffee and the
insect
>5.The Israeli:
>* Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to
the Chinese
>* Screams that his security is in peril
>* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in
his coffee
>* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the
Iranians advocate
>attacks with weapons of mass insects
>* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian
Terrorism, Attacks
>on Human Rights, Anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the
Diaspora, the
>Exodus, Discrimination against Noah's Ark
>* Commands Arafat to immediately stop insects from
flying in
>the air or landing in coffee cups
>* Re-occupies the West Bank and Gaza, razes houses,
cuts off
>water and electricity, humiliates and terrorizes
civilians,
>kills or maims anyone in his way.
>* Imposes more military aid on the Americans
>* Demands a 100-year, interest free, 50
billion-dollar, loan
>from America to buy another cup of coffee
>*Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as compensation

 

[Fastshow]

............

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of
the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.

> > > > > > Jesus, waiting at the door, hear's a knock:
> > > > > >
> > > > > > "Who is it?"
> > > > > > "It's Paul"
> > > > > > Jesus opens the door.
> > > > > > "What did you bring Paul?"
> > > > > > "Hashish from Morocco"
> > > > > > "Very well son, come in."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > another knock ...
> > > > > > "Who is it?"
> > > > > > "It's Mark"
> > > > > > Jesus opens the door.
> > > > > > "What did you bring Mark?"
> > > > > > "Marijuana from Colombia"
> > > > > > "Very well son, come in."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > another knock ...
> > > > > > "Who is it?"
> > > > > > "It's Matthew"
> > > > > > Jesus opens the door.
> > > > > > "What did you bring Matthew ?"
> > > > > > "Cocaine from Bolivia"
> > > > > > "Very well son, come in."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > another knock ...
> > > > > > "Who is it?"
> > > > > > "It's John"
> > > > > > Jesus opens the door.
> > > > > > "What did you bring John?"
> > > > > > "Crack from New York"
> > > > > > "Very well son, come in."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > another knock ...
> > > > > > "Who is it?"
> > > > > > "It's Luke"
> > > > > > Jesus opens the door.
> > > > > > "What did you bring Luke?"
> > > > > > "Speed from Amsterdam"
> > > > > > "Very well son, come in."
> > > > > >
> > > > > > another knock ...
> > > > > > "Who is it?"
> > > > > > "It's Judas"
> > > > > > Jesus opens the door.
> > > > > > "What did you bring Judas?"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > " FBI MOTHER FCUKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"

 

[peter]

The Baptism

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young soccer-playing father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

 

[Fastshow]

topical.......

How to tell a bent Muslim.............

 

[PNE]

Having just given birth , Mary is taking it easy & having a cup of tea in the stable along with Joseph.The 3 wise men come walking in with their gifts & 1 of them fails to notice a rake lying on the floor in the middle of the stable.He steps on it & the handle comes flying up & hits him square in the face.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimes.
To which Mary replies
"What a good name;we were going to call him Norman"

 

[Lupoman]

so sorry, we're catholic.....

Four novice nuns are sitting waiting for their final interview before becoming official nuns. ( If this ain't quit right, well fcuk you, I'm pissed.) Father O'flynn asks all of the novices, " Before you can fully serve the holy father, I must ask all of you some questions, and you must answer truthfully! Have any of you ever seen a mans penis? The first novice raises her hand..." I have" she states shyly. So the priest says "Then go to the font and wash your eyes with holywater so that you may be pure again!"The priest then says " Have any of you ever touched a mans penis?" The second novice raises her hand..." I have " she states. " So the priest says " Then go to the font and wash your hands so that you may be pure again!' After this the priest then says " Have any of you ever had a mans penis inside of you?" The fourth novice raises her hand and pointing to the third novice says " If you think I'm going to gargle with that water after she's washed her arse in it , your fcuking crazy!

Sorry, where were we?
PS .....where's the fcuking spell check?

 

[Keeper]

If we're all God's children, why is Jesus so special?