KNVB's Diet Questions

Hands of Stone

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Diet questions answered
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>
>Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
>
>Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
>
>Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>
>Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>
>You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
>
>Hay and corn.
>
>What are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
>
>Need grain?
>
>Eat chicken.
>
>Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
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>A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
>
>Q: Is beer, &/or wine, bad for me?
>
>Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?
>
>My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
>
>Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
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>Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
>
>If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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>Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
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>Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
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>Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
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>You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
>
>Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
>
>Thicker gravy.
>
>Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
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>Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
>Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
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>Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
>
>I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...flour is a grain!
>
>
>There! Wasn't that enlightening? Now, I feel GOOOOD!

HOS:knvb:
 

Regs

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Jackson's Milk

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 

Fastshow

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well are you?



QUESTIONNAIRE: Are you KNVB?
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1. You are through on goal with only the keeper and a defender left to beat. The last defender is only 5'3" and seven stone. What happens next?

a) You round him easily and take the keeper on one-to-one, then calmly chip the ball over his head into the empty net.
b) Take the defender on for speed and skin him, then round the keeper and walk the ball confidently into the goal.
c) The defender accidentally blows on you as he gets within three
yards...and you fall over, flat on your great big fat hairy, ginger arse. Then it's both arms up and face pulled in the hope that the referee will give you the most unlikely penalty ever awarded.

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2. Would you describe yourself as a prolific goalscorer?

a) Yes.
b) No, but you have scored more than your fair share in your career.
c) Would you fcuk. If you're a prolific goalscorer then Mandy Smith's a beached whale.

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3. You are walking down the street one day when a bird shits on you from overhead. How do you react to this?

a) Smile and see the funny side of it.
b) Wipe it off gingerly and look to the skies in disgust.
c) Fall over on the spot as though you've just been snipered through the head with a hunting rifle. Then roll over and demand that the bird be sent off.

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4. How quickly can you run the 100 metres?

a) Very quickly, with a best time of 10.3 seconds.
b) Quite fast, though you can only manage it in just over 11 seconds.
c) "Run"? What the fcuk is that? You mean waddle along like a big fat sack of shite on a skateboard....?

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5. During a match, a high ball is crossed to you in the penalty area. How do you head the ball?

a) With extreme power and accuracy.
b) Quite powerfully and with some degree of accuracy, though heading has never been your strongest point.
c) With your arse...because you've been upended again by some
three-foot dwarf defender from the Meralomas.

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6. A long ball is played up to you from defence. It's a fair distance
ahead of you, so what do you do?

a) Get your head down and set off at full pace, reaching it just before it goes out of play for a goal-kick.
b) Try to make it to the ball, because the cause is never lost. It's
always worth making the effort.
c) Nothing. Just stand there like a great big fat soft-arsed twat.

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7. During a match you are involved in a bruising challenge with a
smaller player from the opposition. Which of these is the most likely outcome?

a) The player bounces off your huge frame and knocks himself out, has to leave the field and is out through injury for several weeks.
b) The opposing player is slightly shaken, though not badly hurt, and from then on he makes sure he doesn't do it again.
c) You are incongruously bounced fifty feet in the air and land in Row Z, where you suffer a broken face, three dislocated teeth, etc.

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8. Your nickname at your former club was "Bruno". Why was this?

a) Because Bruno is such a macho sounding name and goes with your hulking appearance.
b) Because your aggressive approach reminds you of the old St Bernard dog off the St Bruno adverts - big, strong, relentless and tough as old boots.
c) Because of the boxer, Frank Bruno, and the fact that he was useless twat who kept falling flat on his arse for no reason as well.

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9. What has been the biggest effect since your transfer to Surrey Utd?

a) The higher profile and the greater expectations of the fans.
b) Just the fact that you are playing for one of most famous clubs in the history of the FVSL and now the VMSL.
c) Earthquakes in the Cloverdale area have increased by 3,000% because of your great big fat arse hitting the deck so many times. Much more of it and they'll be pulling the stands down due to foundation damage.

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ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not KNVB.
Mainly b: Neither are you.
Mainly c: Well done, you are KNVB and you're fcuking crap.




 

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