Inside the TTP Closet

How many should go Into the Closet?


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    12
  • Poll closed .

Fastshow

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1.) America............

Any country responsible for selling food by the bucket-load (KFC's so virtuous they took the word chicken out of the arrangement entirely so now it's possible to buy a bucket of adventitious meat-substitute), the insufferably middle-American imbecilic cokc-habiliment that is the Britney Spears/Christina Aguillera/Madonna/Sheryl Crow hybrid, being in proud possession of a population more unfit and impressively proportioned than Rita McNeil after an all-day sesh at Uncle Willy's, having a foreign policy so bereft of reason, civility, and stoicism, Dennis Rodman, Friends, the ersatz-intellectual rubbish that is Frazier, Hollywood's prodigious discharge of factually preposterous malignance under the auspice of 'cinema', the scatologically and unearthly offense that is Seattle, no comprehension whatsoever in irony, subtlety or humour and Tom Hanks.

Every last thing mentioned utterly, consumately objectionable and completely unnecessary to the successful continuation of the human race. Saddam should have simply hidden with his weapons of mass distruction as the useless twats would never have found him and the self-proclaimed greatest democracy ever assembled (trademark pending Disney Corp.) remains the only 'civilisation' to ever use atomic weaponry on human beings.

Get fcuked America. If you can't do that, at least get Into the TTP Closet.

2). Parsnips.........

The parsnip is an evil, scheming, bounder of a vegetable. If cooked properly, it masquerades as a roast potato (good) yet taste like week-old regurgitated baby food (bad.....presumably). Completely superfluous to everyday existence, I have yet to meet one solitary person who will admit to liking parsnips. If I ever do I will kill them. The spindly-shaped root should be tried in a Vegetable High Court for Treason under the Rubbish Root Vegetable Act of 1963 (Geneva).

3). Loose change...........



Loose change is the bane of my life. Bleeding heart liberals will be bleating about how I should be pleased I have change, loose or otherwise, as there are millions of people in the world with nowt. Fcuk off. There exists a character who proudly holds up a queue of ten while he enthusiastically counts out change to pay for his new £9.95 lavatory brush. We've all been there. And he's a cnut. Then there's the character who keeps his loose change in a little purse inside his wallet. A 'murse' if you will. He's a cnut too. No man should be seen counting loose change with a queue of people waiting. Full-stop. No man should EVER be seen counting out loose change out of a murse. What a cnut. What are the options? Discard all surplus loose change at the end of every working day into a recepticle, generally speaking a large (preferably empty) alcohol bottle? Then what? Look like a prize cabbage as you trot down the bank of a Saturday morning only to be told by the spotty bank clerk that you must go home and wrap all your change into those Mephistophelian little paper things that, and this has been scientifically proven by boffins at the Welsh (Outer) Space Programme, are simply not made to hold anything, nevermind loose change? No future in that caper, thanks all the same. So where does that leave you? Give it to charity? A lovely idea but, alas, my quarter-Scottish ancestry finds that notion repugnant.



So, loose change. Get yourself Into the TTP Closet and do not darken my door ever again.



4). Political Correctness..........

Here's a scenario. Let's say the manager of a business unit is South African. Implicit in that, chances are, he has been raised in a middle class South African household. This man is white and in his late thirties. Odds are good, while growing up, his family had servants during Apartheid. Let's find this gentleman in modern Britain with a staff of eight. Let's now analyse the make-up of the eight people. Four English women, one Zimbabwean, one Englishman, one Canadian, and a late-twenties woman from Nigeria. What happens when the Nigerian pulls the race card? A holocaust of political correctness gone mad. What causes the Nigerian to pull the race card? The mere suggestion she might not be actually doing any work. Up she gets, huffing and puffing and mumbling away in her local dialect (which sounds like a seagull stepping on twigs) and away she goes down to Human Resources for the umpteenth time. What happens when one of the Englishmen suggests, seemingly jokingly, that the Canadian might be a wanker with no previous knowledge of his mother? Gales of laughter from everyone, including the Nigerian. When she's not down in HR.

As a social experiment it is my fantasy (well, one of them) to go down to Human Resources and, having made an appointment, sit down with two of the girls (I would never trust any man who worked in HR..... shite, I can't say that, it's not PC) and complain, earnestly, of the treatment I had been subjected to. As an anglo-saxon protestant with blue eyes (and lovely teeth) I would expect to be laughed all the way back ot my desk. Why's that? I cannot play the race card. People think it's funny. They're right. Were I, however, a bandy-legged lesbian amputee from the outer regions of Mesopotamia with a speech impediment and a sleepy eye, I'd be given blank cheques drawn on impressive bank accounts, a semi-detached one-up, one-down home with all mod cons and, in all likelihood, the key to the city and a publishing or record deal.

If anyone dares tell me that, 'visible minorities have been kept back too long by the white man', I'll fcuking have you. They haven't by me and I categorically refuse to take even the slightest bit of accountability for anyone else's actions, white or otherwise. Political Correctness, please meet Inside the TTP Closet so I can batter you senseless you spawny white American twat.

5). Coventry

After being totally and utterly bombed in the war (half a cathedral and one street are all that remain) it was rebuilt with the "great on paper" idea of putting a ring-road around it for ease of travel. This does provide a quick travel around the city, but, unlike London's M25, it has about a couple of miles circumference so the massive dirty elevated road can be seen form virtually anywhere in the city centre. Under the ring-road they built loads of car parks which just get full up of shite with the rest of the rebuilding consisting of large, square, grey tower blocks. This is a town which, during the 1980's, dreamt of housing the disaffected of London never quite managed it and consequently became a haven of mediocrity with hundreds of identikit suburban housing estates filled with middle managers. Their hateful offspring fill the town centre at weekends whilst queuing to gain entry to the growing number of revolting chain pubs. They smoke Marlborough Lights and sport a profusion of cheap gold jewellery and Ben Sherman shirts.

All the old shops have closed and those not replaced with O'Neills (a hyper-real simulacrum of an Irish pub) have turned into "Everything's a Pound". Last time I was there was a duty call to my ex-girlfriend's parents gaff. The visit climaxed in a traditional visit to a late night chip shop, where the Rubenesque girl in front of us ordered chips, chops, cabbage, gravy and mushy peas, and whiled away the time while her order was being prepared by screaming to her mate, (who was down the end of the street with some pustuled consort): " 'Ave you shagged 'im yet, Nicola?"

It could be worse, you may say. It is. It's just that if I think too hard about it, I start to feel somehow... dirty. I do hope none of you are ever required to visit. .The only good things about Coventry are that their shite-bag football side was relegated and is now, officially, shittier than shiny shite and that it's easy to travel out of.

Camus said that the canals of Amsterdam are "like the concentric circles of hell". Well, I say that the concrete car parks of Coventry are like the boils on Satan's ringpiece. Maybe not as poetic but certainly as valid.









 

Hands of Stone

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Great concept Fasty, with some very interesting choices by yourself. I agree with the America choice, based mainly on the fact I strongly disagree with some of the political issues that have occured between the U.S. and Canada in the last few years and the actions that the US has taken with these issues, but also because of thier attitude toward the rest of the world.

The others I have to disagree with you on, first on parsnips, now I am not a fan of this vegatable either, but the parsnip does serve a purpose in the vegatable and cooking world, if it were not for this vegatable, then the others would not seem as appitizing, and who likes to eat thier vegies.

Political Correctness, I somewhat agree with you on this, the whole concept has gone too far, and there for it is annoying, but it does serve a purpose in this world.

As for Coventry, I have never been to the city, but have heard of the football team. If there were no city out there like Coventry, then you would not be able to say, "hey, I have been there and am glad I never have to go back." For myself that city if Toronto, I have visited there for a week, and that was too long, even with a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame and the CN Tower. I do hope that the people in Cities like this find out how nice it is where I live, and that I never have to visit a city like that again.

Lastly, and the one I disagree with the most, Loose Change, now I do hate the fact the loose change rattles around in my pocket and the fact that I lose valuable loonies and toonies when I sit down on someone elses sofa. But I use my Loose Change to avoid getting more loose change, like when I buy my morning coffee and it costs $2.14, I do not want all this change back from a $5 because I look cool at the till and don't take 10 seconds and a little brain power to count $2.14 in change. It can be very handy in my other ways, when parking at all the meters in the city, throw in a few quarters or risk getting the 37th ticket from the city. How about for the guy playing Stairway to Heaven outside the beer store, you have to throw his some loose change or there will be not LedZep the next time you go for a case.

I like the thread Fasty, and I too will try to come up with a list of 5 things, but I think that will be very difficult, I am a glass half full kind of guy, and try to see the good things in everything, even a person like knvb, but if there was not a guy like him around, then who would we laugh at when he trys a bike.

hos
 

knvb

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I more of a pessimist my self, I see HOS' glass half empty, like his head. You'd be better off this way as well HOS, that way you can tell the big P the net is only half empty instead of half full.

I think you've just reconfirmed my agreement with Fatsy though, that tossers shuffling through their pocket, murses or European hand bags looking for .18 cents are indeed cnuts. If I had know it was you in front of me in line this morning I would have said hi, right before I kicked you. Next time. Although not much help to Fatshow, Safeway has a change machine where you can dump your loose shrapnel in to and it counts, sorts and then pays you taking only a small 9% fee. Better than taking abuse from the "spotty" cnut at the bank.

I'd like to see Potato Salad put in the closet forever, if for nothing else it's just awful. Would anyone eat a cold potato and if they were to, would they dump half a jar of mayo and mustard sprinkled with celery of all vegetables on it? Doubtful. Potato's are meant to be baked or have mom smash the shite out of them then drown 'em in gravy. The creative will stack them up and make annoying little volcano erupting noises as they pour, for that though, they should share the same fate as change bitches at coffee houses and be kicked in the appropriate appendage.

 
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iandmcintyre

Hello Everyone,

America and Politically Correct are commonly referred to in the same sentence. :rolleyes: :(

Being Politically Correct is the most over-rated counter-productive thing that USA has everyone come-up with. American people can no longer be American - they have to be African American, Hispanic American, Italian American, Indian American ... Why can't a person just be "American"? They are promoting racism by being politically correct!

America should go into the closet. When they come out they should change their foreign policies. Stop trying to be the world's police! Stay out of the middle east, because if they don't some other country is going to hit them hard again, just like Sept 11 2001. None of those innocent people would have been killed if America had minded their own business. America's Free-Trade policies with Canada and Mexico have destroyed Canada's Lumber industry and kept many Mexicans in poverty by underpaying them.

Sorry to get so serious, but as you can see, I'm not too thrilled with USA.

Ian
 

knvb

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Already in the closet

I'm sorry I can't take anyone's opinion seriously when they're obviously hiding behind their user name. I think you're in the closet already Mr. 'iandmcintyre' and should stay there until you're ready to be honest with us all.
 

Saint

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Great idea, Fastshow! I’ve given the matter some careful thought, and I’ve decided that the following subjects touch on some undesirable issues indeed. I’ve attempted to justify my choices.

Banish these items to Room 101, if you will.


World hunger:
No, seriously: think about it. Starvation is terrible. Over 843 million people live in chronic hunger each day, unable to nourish themselves, and unaware of from where the next meal will come.
I think the world would be a better place if we didn’t have global hunger.

Poverty:
No, seriously: think about it. Poverty is a contributing factor to an overwhelming sense of disenfranchisement. Nearly 3 billion people live on just over 1 pound a day. When inequity exists, class struggle occurs and people can no longer live in harmony.
I think the world would be a better place if we didn’t have global poverty.

Rape:
No, seriously: think about it. Rape is bad. It’s a violation of human sanctity. Every 38 seconds someone, somewhere in world, is sexually assaulted.
I think the world would be a better place if we didn’t have rape.

Genocide, war crimes and mass killings:
No, seriously: think about it. These don’t even need to be explained because they are so heinous.
I am confident that the world would be a better place if we didn’t have genocide, war crimes and mass killings.

War:
No, seriously, think about it. War is awful and often needless. People are maimed and killed. History just keeps repeating itself and we should try to stop it.
My idea is that the world would be a better place if we didn’t have global war.

I trust the TTP members will do right by these selections. The world really would be a better place if we got rid hunger, poverty, rape, genocide, war crimes, mass killings and war. It’s only logical…


 
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iandmcintyre

Re: Confused Forum User

To whoever you are, knvb ...

I'm not hiding behind my username.... I am using my real first name, initial, and last name as my user name (Ian D McIntyre). And, I'm not in the closet - I have a female wife, too. Maybe you don't?

Why don't you say what you really mean and use your real name on your posts? I am being honest and serious, too. It's not nice to insult people who you don't know either.

Also, I am sorry if you don't agree with my polical beliefs, but they're my beliefs and the last time I looked, Canada was a free country!

So chill out and stop taking yourself so seriously. :)

knvb said:
I'm sorry I can't take anyone's opinion seriously when they're obviously hiding behind their user name. I think you're in the closet already Mr. 'iandmcintyre' and should stay there until you're ready to be honest with us all.
 

knvb

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Saint,



3 of the 5 you openly mock or contribute too. World hunger? You eat enough to feed a small African nation. Poverty? If you gave to the poor what you spent on drinks for the month you could buy that small nation that you just ate and then there is rape. Proof is in the pudding...


No seriously.
 

knvb

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Ps. Well done Mr. i'andmcintyre' if that is indeed your real name.We should all take a page from your book, that is if the pop out characters don't poke us in the eye.
 

Regs

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knvb said:
Ps. Well done Mr. i'andmcintyre' if that is indeed your real name.We should all take a page from your book, that is if the pop out characters don't poke us in the eye.
The boy is on a roll today! :D

~Laughingoutloud.
 

Fastshow

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First of all, Saint, this isn't Room 101. This is Inside the TTP Closet. It's really completely different. Poles apart. Diametrically opposed.

Thirdly, since my carefully constructed rules seem to have been abandonned I'm going to add another to my list (a dangerous precedent).

People who are never serious. They do my fcuking nut. Always taking the piss and being stupid, they just don't get it. If more people took things seriously, especially on this website, we'd have a far happier place in which to live.


P.S. Saint, your post is made all the more heart-wrenching by virtue of the fact I can actually hear Vrrrrronica saying all that in a drunken rant. Her voice is becoming increasingly loud and is threatening to overwhelm the voices that regularly inhabit my heed.
 
I

iandmcintyre

I can see that I'm wasting my time speaking to someone who has a really bad attitude ...

I am looking forward to meeting you on the soccer field someday. After a few tackles, you'll be back at the computer insulting me because you couldn't keep up with me on the field. Until then, enjoy hiding behind your computer screen.

I don't know what you were doing this morning, but 8:30-9:30 I was pumping weights and running on the treadmill at the gym. This afternoon, I am working at my Real Estate Sales job.

knvb said:
Ps. Well done Mr. i'andmcintyre' if that is indeed your real name.We should all take a page from your book, that is if the pop out characters don't poke us in the eye.
 

Fastshow

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iandmcintyre said:
I can see that I'm wasting my time speaking to someone who has a really bad attitude ...



This afternoon, I am working at my Real Estate Sales job.
Welcome to TTP, Ian D. McIntyre. Thanks for standing up to knvb, it's about time someone had the gonads to do so. He does this all the time too. This is my thread and it was going ever so well but what does he do? I'll tell you what he does, he comes in and takes it all off topic with his bullying.

He ruined Christmas too. For the children.

I loved what you said about the Mexicans. I couldn't have said it better myself and, in all honesty, that had never occurred to me.

Are you yourself Mexican?

And I couldn't help but notice you wrote you're in real estate.

Do you know Kurt Friesen?

He's in real estate.

C'mon people, let's try and keep this on topic, okay?
 
I

iandmcintyre

Thank you for your support, Fastshow! It was fun locking horns with knvb.

I am not Mexican. I was born in Canada to a family with Scottish/English roots.

I have not had the pleasure of meeting my fellow realtor, Kurt Friesen, yet. I am working for Sutton-Seafair Realty in Richmond BC.

I have never seen anything good come out of any Free Trade Agreement with USA. USA thinks "free trade" means "screw everyone else, tariff the other country's goods more".

Cheers,
Ian
 

trece verde

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Saint for Miss World

Sounds like some of the contestants' speeches :D Do you want to work with children and animals too?

Ian - leave the daft dutchman alone; he's wearing his cranky pants again (they're saggy, and they leak). This site is called Take the Piss for a reason. :eek: Besides, you're supposed to be selling houses, not trolling for tulip-biters. You'll only encourage him by responding...

Into the closet:

1) Gordon Campbell (preferably on BCRail tracks that he's helping to dismantle) - the quicker the better.

2) Dubya - can somebody just put him out of our misery? :rolleyes: Not my favourite dictator....

3) Osama bin Nofun - Mostly for not having any sense of humour. Also for helping expound the Taliban ideals about women; they've got it all wrong. Women should been seen in public, and not wrapped up, but as unwrapped as possible.

4) The Merkin pinheads behind the "Softwood Lumber Tarriffs" who are ruining the jobs of the people I work with.

5) Don Cherry. I'm tired of seeing people's old couches and drapes being recycled on TV as suit jackets. :rolleyes:

Fasty:

Ian is definitely not Mexican. He is about as unMexican as anybody from Port Alberni can get. Don't know if he knows Kurt Friesen; is that like Office Gord?

Spare change is your friend. Ask any good (or bad) Scot. That's what sporrans were invented for. BTW, the glass IS half empty and I want a refill.

Pease,

stew :cool:
 

Fastshow

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Ian, Welcome to TTP, good to see someone get the hang of things so quickly.

Usually we have to explain how it works to the new posters.

It is fun locking horns with knvb sometimes but more often than not I end up like one of them kids with his heed stuck between the cast-iron railing at the zoo screaming for his Mum. Little snotty-nosed bastards.

Anyway, great to see you on here, what else, other than American foreign policy, would you like to see Inside the TTP Closet? What are your thoughts on ring-tailed lemurs?

Any man who can pump iron and run on a treadmill at the same time is all right by me....


iandmcintyre said:
8:30-9:30 I was pumping weights and running on the treadmill at the gym.
 
I

iandmcintyre

Fastshow,

I'm into discussions about current affairs, politics, sports and computers. I have 15 years experience working with technical computer software support and customer support. But, don't get me started on religious discussions - my attitudes against religion would probably start a crusade or have me blacklisted like Salmahn Rustgie (Satanic Verses author).

Are there lots of ring-tailed lemurs on TTP? :bronco: What other zoo animals have you met?

Ian
 

cerebral smallsy

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banish fishing to the TTP closet.
cruel gentlemen.
jinky, please feel free.
i knew a ring tailed lemur once. her boyfriend liked blended drinks and she was last spotted in kamloops.
 

knvb

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Christ...

Ianmcintyre,

You guys have a lot in common then. Fasty is an Aquarius with a passion for fried chicken. His favorite colour is blue. He enjoys long walks on sandy beaches, holding hands and cuddling by a fire. His most recently read book is how to Take The Piss. You should pick up a copy and quickly.

 

Hands of Stone

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iandmcintyre said:
I'm into discussions about current affairs, politics, sports and computers. I have 15 years experience working with technical computer software support and customer support.
- my attitudes against religion would probably start a crusade or have me blacklisted like Salmahn Rustgie (Satanic Verses author).
Now this is a classic, first who is Salmahn Rustgie, never heard of him :rolleyes: , second, I thought Steve King did Satanic Verses, a great book.

Last, who cares what you like to discuss, I felt bad for you because knvb is a cnut, by the way he is in sales too, but it is not location, location, location for him, it is, "I won't be under sold, or I am not the Maytag Repair man".

I'm into discussions about sports, porn, and who has the biggest tits, I have 15 years of experience in nothing, so who cares.

hos hiding behind his A.K.A.

By the way knvb, if that is your real name, only 2 votes for Loose Change, I guess it in not that bad after all, especially at the arcade or 7-E after you smoke a big fat one.
 

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