Inside the TTP Closet - Part II: Return of the King

Which should should go Into the Closet?


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Keeper

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High Intensity Discharge (HID) Headlights
I’m referring to those annoying bright, blue-tinted, headlights that are increasingly available on high-end automobiles. In particular, it’s those fcuking SUV’s that have them installed, only to sit right behind you in late night traffic and shine one in your rear-view mirror and the other in your driver-side. Instead of dealing with the slow, painful burning of my retinas, I wish those pricks would just line up a dozen laser-pointers across their bumper and put my eyes out of their misery right quick.

Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers
Have you seen the latest club craze? No, not taking 9mm pot-shots at women trying to break up fights on their way out. I’m talking about these Cylon-eyed towel dispensers that bars are beginning to install. Wave you hand in front; you may have one piece of paper. Wait 20 seconds. Wave your hand in front; you may have a second piece. Wait 20 seconds. And so on. It feels like you’re being rationed sweets from your mother as a four year old.

”I’m Loving It” (aka “ailing vomit”)
Even though I couldn’t stand McDonald’s new slogan from the get-go, I recently took in the last bit of Fromage 2003 and discovered that “I’m Loving It” is, in fact, a Justin “Lost-Britney-to-a-poor-Albuquerque-farm-hick” Timberlake knock-off. Now I hate it even more. As a rockin’ and rollin’, 30-something Vancouverite, I don’t need some teenage-whitey, hippity-hop music to entice me to eat their beef-fat fried fries.

I believe the The Best Page in Universe put it best:
To quote Bill Lamar, senior vice president and chief marketing officer of McDonald's USA:
“It will rekindle the emotional bond our customers have with McDonald's through a campaign that depicts how people live, what they love about life and what they love about McDonald's.”

Anyone who has an emotional bond with McDonald's, or anyone who can relate anything they love about life to a company that sells deep fried processed chicken meat should be stabbed in the face.
Besides, they already had me at a buck sixty-nine.

Spam
Sorry, assholes, but I’m thin enough, my website is advertised enough, my penis is big enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone-it, I can find my own porn.

Get out of my inbox and get in the closet.

Mike Bullard
First you sucked on CTV. Then, after long, painful years, you got cut. Painful: not because I watched you and suffered, but because I always had to hear your annoying chuckle and your body jiggle up and down when you laughed at your own jokes as I flipped between Radio-Canada and the God Channel. Most figured you were gone for good. But NO! For some astonishing – but, as yet, unheard of reason outside Toronto – you garnered a new life-line on Global. And, unfortunately for me, the only channel I now get with my rabbit ears.

Thankfully, though, it’s been a couple of months since your return and you’ve seemed to have been quietly axed in favour of reruns of JAG and Extreme Make-Over – both of which are far better programming choices than your lard-ass.

This time, step into the TTP closet on the way out, close the door, and shut the lights. You were done before you even began.
 

Fastshow

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Very good though I can only commit to vote for two of the five.

So I did.

Your first choice, the headlights, edumacated me as I was under the impression a great number of people had been driving with their high beams on just to wind me up. You never know, they might have been. I'd rather think they'd had their cars fitted with your High Intensity Discharge. Surely they could have come up with a better name for them than that, though? Sounds more like something women have to contend with of a month. Or Beano after a ruby. Anyway, I cannot vote them inside the closet as, and this is purely selfish of me, I enjoy flashing my high beams at oncoming traffic while gesticulating madly in a very rude way. Conversely, when someone comes up behind me (ooer) with their high beams or your HID lights on (which rarely happens because I drive really, really fcuking fast), I equally enjoy flipping my mirror and shaking my fist at them in a menacing way. I refuse to allow you to send one of my life's few pleasures inside the closet.

I agree with your paper towel dispensers, or lack thereof. I don't understand why places would rather those blow dryers. Surely they cost far more in electricity than rubbish recycled paper? Then there are the places who hire little black chaps as toilet attendants. No, I don't want any cologne, mints, toothpaste, lollypops, or Viagra, thanks, and I'm capable of washing my own hands, cheers all the same. Sinisterly, however, these attendants are always in charge of the paper towels so I find myself, a good ten minutes before going for a gypsy, plotting how I can manage it without having to fork out 50p to some clown who seems content that his life's work is to sit in a men's conveniences. Automatic paper towel dispensers, not that I've ever seen one, can get into the closet and take toilet attendants with them to attend to them.

I'm not familiar with your McDonald's slogan but you've just talked me into it as you mention Justin Timberbollocks and Britney cnuting Spears. I loathe them and, were they not bad enough individually, together they encompass everything that is wrong with the modern world. Pure, unadulterated, talentless evil. So, I'll go back and vote on your third just because of them.

The only Spam I get is in my yahoo.co.uk account (unless you consider e-mails from SC as spam) and it's only ever from Nigerian noblemen seeking to transfer funds out of their politically corrupt country. I always respond and, as soon as the wire transfer comes through, I should see my investment return at 300%.

Would you mind forwarding the penis enlargement e-mails to me, please?

Mike Bullard. Now there's a name I'd forgotten. Calling him a gibbering idiot is being unkind to gibbering idiots. And Luc Van Lierde. Mike Bullard is on every channel in Hell. Sweating and convulsing, he's the only one who ever finds what he passes off as humour funny and he doesn't even write his own stuff. Whoever decided he should be on the telly must be doing it as a wind-up and is, I would think, someone who would be perfect on TTP. Like Simon Cowell picking a monstrous and dog-ugly Scots bird as the last winner of Pop Idol on a dare, whoever saw anything in Mike Bullard is just having a laugh.

He's the only one who is.
 

Fastshow

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This is shocking. Who the fcuk's keeper meant to pass the torch to next? Me again? Suits me because this whole premise unleashes a Niagara of things I find annoying.

Where's the fun in that, though? For you lot.

I'm not leaving until Jinky posts.
 

Jinky

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In due time.

ESPN Classic is broadcasting the 1988 FA Cup final between the Crazy Gang and a world class team from Liverpool. Vinny Jones has just tried to break Ray Houghton into 50 pieces and Motty is touting young Dennis Wise to be England's creative midfielder of the future ( re: 1988 - 2004).

Mr FA Cup himself, Trevor Brooking has just put away his spot on crystal ball after commenting that John Fashanu ought to put his elbows away.

I'm sure Gary Mabbut is sitting at Dazza's 'property' right now nodding in agreement while asking someone to please pick up that fcuking phone which has been ringing for the past 11 years.

Actually I doubt that even Garry Mabbut could stand more than 2 minutes at crazy old Dazza's bit.

I'm sure he only stops by because of the threats.
 

crafty cokcney

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Is this better. ?

Standings: English Division One

January 10, 2004Division One
OVERALL HOME AWAY
P W D L F A W D L F A W D L F A Pts GD
Norwich 27 15 7 5 41 22 11 1 2 25 11 4 6 3 16 11 52 19
West Brom 27 14 8 5 38 22 7 5 2 19 10 7 3 3 19 12 50 16
Sheff Utd 26 14 6 6 42 27 8 3 2 24 10 6 3 4 18 17 48 15
Sunderland 27 13 8 6 35 22 8 5 1 18 7 5 3 5 17 15 47 13
Preston 27 12 7 8 41 31 8 3 2 26 13 4 4 6 15 18 43 10
Ipswich 27 12 7 8 47 39 7 2 4 27 18 5 5 4 20 21 43 8
Wigan 27 11 10 6 35 28 7 5 2 18 10 4 5 4 17 18 43 7
West Ham 27 10 11 6 36 25 5 5 4 22 16 5 6 2 14 9 41 11
Crewe 27 11 6 10 33 32 9 2 3 23 13 2 4 7 10 19 39 1
Reading 27 11 6 10 31 34 7 3 4 18 17 4 3 6 13 17 39 -3
Cardiff 27 10 8 9 45 37 6 4 4 27 16 4 4 5 18 21 38 8
Millwall 27 9 10 8 29 26 6 5 2 14 7 3 5 6 15 19 37 3
Stoke 27 10 6 11 35 35 6 5 3 21 15 4 1 8 14 20 36 0
Walsall 27 9 8 10 28 29 6 5 2 20 12 3 3 8 8 17 35 -1
Coventry 27 7 12 8 30 32 4 7 3 15 14 3 5 5 15 18 33 -2
Gillingham 26 9 6 11 31 40 6 1 7 16 20 3 5 4 15 20 33 -9
Rotherham 27 8 9 10 26 35 5 4 4 12 12 3 5 6 14 23 33 -9
Crystal Palace 27 8 8 11 32 40 3 6 5 15 18 5 2 6 17 22 32 -8
Watford 27 7 9 11 28 34 4 6 3 15 14 3 3 8 13 20 30 -6
Burnley 27 7 8 12 37 47 5 3 5 20 17 2 5 7 17 30 29 -10
Nottm Forest 26 7 7 12 34 36 4 4 4 19 14 3 3 8 15 22 28 -2
Derby 26 5 9 12 26 43 3 3 6 16 23 2 6 6 10 20 24 -17
Bradford 27 6 5 16 21 39 3 2 8 12 21 3 3 8 9 18 23 -18
Wimbledon 27 5 3 19 27 53 2 3 8 14 24 3 0 11 13 29 18 -26


There you go Fasty, hopefully that will make you feel a little better..!

Sorry I hit a nerve. Everything you said about me was true except the poofta thing but I thought someone as smart as you would have picked up on that when I mentioned "kids". :eek:

Never did play at Middlesbrough though I was on the bench against them at White Hart Lane in a FA Cup tie.

Cheers
 

Rangerforever

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The Headlights and the Spam.
The road and office rage as a result of the above, along with my Scottish diet, will have me before I'm 40.

I will survive.
 
I

iandmcintyre

I found that I had to put all of Keeper's choices in the Closet. This topic is no fun, though, because there's no politics to curse/argue about...

High Intensity Discharge (HID) Headlights
-discovered them a few years ago. Honked my horn at an SUV behind me because I thought he was using high beams. He turned on his high beams for a second to show me he wasn't using them. His HBs looked like the a nuclear blast in my rear-view mirror.

Automatic Paper Towel Dispensers
-prefer them to air dryers. Sometimes you have to wave your hand 3 times to get one piece to come.

”I’m Loving It"
-McDonalds is destroying civiilized culture. It really pisses me off that you can only order breakfast until 10:30am weekdays and 11am weekends. Who wants to have a Big Mack at 10:30am or 11am? Shoot those people!

Spam
-Last year, I had to change my home email account because I was getting too much Spam. A word from the weary: "unsubscribe" means "cool, we have a valid email address. let's send him 10000 more emails."

Mike Bullard
-never actually watched him for more than 30 seconds. He's ugly and a bore.
Fire hime again! There are too many talk show hosts.
 

Keeper

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McDonalds is destroying civiilized culture. It really pisses me off that you can only order breakfast until 10:30am weekdays and 11am weekends.
Indeed, the textbook definition of civilized culture is an all-day breakfast. Pancakes with strawberries & whip cream and a side of sausages for an afternoon snack and you'll see a happy man.

~ IHOP Forever.
 

Hands of Stone

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Keeper, interesting list, with some good points, but I am going with None of the Above.

HID HeadLights - Yes they are very bright, but many of the drivers on the roads in the lower mainland are not too bright, and can't see without them, so I have to keep them around. Adjust your rear view mirror, not too hard.

Automatic Paper Towels - Great idea, the less you have to touch in a public washroom the better, if I could it would be, touch myself and leave, but sometimes your hands get sticky.

I'm Lovin It - I allmost went with you on this one, especially when my 9 month old turns and smiles when ever she hears the jingle. But you will see how much you are Lovin It when you get a pregy wife, will all kinds of crazy cravings. With out McD's, I would be making Fillet O Fish at 10 at night.

Spam is annoying, I do have spam control on my Telus account, but I have not used it yet, because it is nice when I open my e-mail and there are 97 new messages, even though only one one is not Spam.

Mike Bullard - Yes he can be annoying, but at least there is some Canadian content. The damn yankee talk show hosts get the best guests, but I can't stand the constant mindless political jokes that they spout off. That is why God created the Remote for Man, so we can surf the over 100 channels on the TV, and not watch crap :rolleyes: .

hos, do I get the conch now.
 

Fastshow

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Re: Final Stages.....

So what do you reckon, keeper? Who's up next for the five nominations? It's your shout but, based on the number of begging PM's I've been getting about this thread, there are a number in TTP land who are chomping at the proverbial..... it's almost enough to make me want to go and re-vote for your anti-SPAM shout. Still no sign of my Nigerian cheques either.

It's your call, you can leave this for another day or pull the trigger now.

Just for fcuk's sake make HoS wait a wee bit longer.........
 

CDK

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Keeper,

I thought your list was better than Fastshow's.


But apart from what I just said, I'm still going to kill you.
 

the manager

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some great nominations thus far, however, there are a coupple compelling ones to mention that I hope can make the illustrious list of americans eating mcdonalds with mike bullard and hobbits.

roadraging TTP'ers chasing orientals in packed parking lots with finger flicking wives is one for sure

if not already mentioned, starpimp and his fetish for afro american rap culture and msn lingo...

manager
 

Hands of Stone

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Re: Final Stages.....

Fastshow said:
It's your call, you can leave this for another day or pull the trigger now.

Just for fcuk's sake make HoS wait a wee bit longer.........
Don't listen to Fasty, Keeper, he has no pull on this site, it is Dazza that runs things around here, I think it should go to ianmacintire, he has taken sooo much abuse his first week, it can't get any worse, can it?

hos
 

Keeper

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Well, I'm not certain as to the official and established criteria is in putting the final say on what goes in, but as far as I can tell it's the top 2 vote getters . . .

. . . . This just in:

Having rechecked The Official Rules: Inside the TTP Closet, judges have informed me that any and all items 5 votes and over are hereby forever banished. Therefore, Fastshow -- ruler, gate-master, and keymaker of all things banished -- may now lock away all five nominations. An Inside the TTP Closet record. [insert yet-to-be-banished rolleye smilie here]

That said, we must be permitted to retain the use of the term "High Intensity Discharge" in relation to certain feminine issues. That was a classic TTP moment, and scored high in the Better Half's comedy memoirs.

In any event, this thread comes to its inevitable close. With that, I can only justify passing the torch to the TTPer who took (barely) less than an hour to not only post his vote but to TTP as well. Perhaps rewarding Smallsy will encouarge others to post quickly, oftly, and smartly.

Here's lookin' at you, kid.
 

Fastshow

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An unprecedented success for keeper in the TTP Closet's first clean-sheet. Well played.

Extra credibility points go for keeping HoS swinging.


Smallsy, when you're ready.......


 

Fastshow

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While my wait continues for my new-found Nigerian chums to send me the 320% return they promised me on the first of my £9,531.26 installment payments, I also received the following e-mail.

It's a story close to my heart as, as some of you know, my Dad comes from Liberia and his father (my great-great nephew) was once due to be sold to the USofA for €400.03. It was only when an independent arbitrator became involved and advised the yanks that €400.03 was far more than market value, a life of slavery was prevented. Lazy get.
Date:Sun, 18 Jan 2004 07:30:13 -0800 (PST)From:"MRS TAYLOR" <jewel_tayy2@brellxxx.com> Subject:# I BEG OF YOU. #
I Beg of You . With all sincerity and humility i am Jewel Taylor,thewife of the deposed President of Liberia, the Africansettlement of the United states Of American slaves.I write you this proposal based on the fact that ineed your aid to relocate to a safe haven my husbandspersonal funds and effects namely 2kg weight ofDiamond stones and 14 gold bars with $2.4 MillionUSD,all deposited in a safety deposit box in afinancial institution which will be later disclosed toyou upon your offer of acceptance. The lives of myself and my children are at risk eversince my husband engaged himself in this rebel of athing in my country which later saw him as thepresident of my country.We have currently been offered political assylum inthe Federal Republic Of Nigeria by itsPresident,Olusegun Obasanjo,which will confine us toits shores for the rest of our lives.I have been assured safety by the United statesGovernment and that of the Nigerian Government by ameeting held with both Presidents,President GeorgeBush Of the United States and that of the NigerianPresident on the 10th of July 2003 at the not toconcluded Leon Sullivan Summit Held In Nigeria..What you may hear of my husband should you decide toverify may not be of a good report but he has learnthis lesson the hard way and what i do now i do for thesake of my two daughters and son whom i pray to God toforgive them from the retribution of the sins of theirfarther. I am prepared and willing to consider your price foraiding me in this matter and will welcome yourconditions to the best of my abilities. We have just settled down in Nigeria as we got here onthe 11th Of August 2003,in view of this i will giveyou a number in which we can be reached once we getall things on ground. View this site to see a picture of me:http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2963086.stm I look forward to your prompt response.Yours Sincerly,Jewel Taylor.
 

Dude

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Jewel Taylor...sounds like a good porn name. Ask her if she's been in any movies, Fasty. Before she replies, though, she needs to spend some time in Captain's English Language thread.
 

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