Heartwarming

Regs

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Try not to get teary eyed!

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small high school in country NSW (Australia). The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

****************
Dear School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the local Masonic Home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad.

Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. I told her to fcuk off.

God bless you.

Sincerely, Edna Johnson
 

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Is this the Complaints Department

A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Cretins
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drilll-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shite, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

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all true....probably

The following announcements were all heard on various London Underground
> railway stations.
>
> Heard at Earl's Court:
> "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to
> Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons
> Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green
> despite what the signal men think."
>
> On the Northern Line:
> "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
> professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
> registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
>
> On the Piccadilly Line:
> "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
> carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
>
> At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
> "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains
> ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't
> want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty."
>
> On the Central line:
> "Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open
> before trying to get on the train."
>
> On the Victoria line:
> "Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"
>
> At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
> "Please let the passengers off the train first...
> Please let the passengers off the train first...
> Please let the passengers off the train first...
> Let the passengers off the train FIRST!...
> Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going
> home.'
>
> At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay):
> "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at
> Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues."
>
> At West Hampstead:
> "We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the
> door!"
>
> At Mill Hill East:
> "Hello this is [xxx] speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will
> be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately
> zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The
> temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is
> in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your
> watches."
>
> On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague
> unaware that he'd left the tannoy on): "Bollocks to the lot of them, I
> don't care if they don't make it to work."


 

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Iron fist

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."
 

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Who said footballers were thick?

My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
> > David Beckham
> >
> > 'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won
> > theleague.'
> > Mark Viduka
> >
> > 'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level.
> > Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the
> > best manager I've ever had.'
> > David Beckham
> >
> > 'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting
> > out of bed at the end of the day.'
> > Neville Southall
> >
> > 'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault,
> > but 7 of which were disputable.'
> > Paul Gascoigne
> >
> > 'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life,
> > and hopefully after that as well.'
> > Alan Shearer
> >
> > 'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'
> > Mark Draper
> >
> > 'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe
> > we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked
> > out.'
> > Peter Shilton
> >
> > 'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the
> > week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'
> > Stan Collymore
> >
> > 'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it
> > flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute
> > > at
> > Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
> > > was
> > out there playing.'
> > Ade Akinbiyi
> >
> > 'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
> > Ian Wright
> >
> > 'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
> > Ugo Ehiogu
> >
> > 'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even
> > though I live in Middlesborough.'
> > Jonathan Woodgate
> >
> > 'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
> > Stuart Pearce
> >
> > 'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
> > right.'
> > Lee Hendrie
> >
> > 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign
> > country.'
> > Ian Rush
> >
> > 'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
> > out there today.'
> > Steve Lomas
> >
> > 'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
> >
> > sock.'
> > Barry Venison
> >
> > 'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know
> > into what religion yet.'
> > David Beckham
> >
> > 'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukrainians will be
> > more European.'
> > Phil Neville
> >
> > 'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
> > Mitchell Thomas
> >
> > 'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done
> > my best.'
> > Alan Shearer
> >
> > 'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
> > Johnny Giles
> >
> > 'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
> > Thierry Henry.
> >
> > 'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
> > Les Ferdinand
> >
> > 'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to
> > see if it worked.'
> > Richard Rufus
> >
> > 'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in
> > between.'
> > Gary Lineker
> >
> > 'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' Vinny Jones
> >
> > 'If you don't concede any goals you'll win more games than you
> > lose.'
> > Wayne Bridge
> >
> > 'Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian?'
> > Shaun Newton
 

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...............

WOMEN
>
> Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge
is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their
hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family
member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman
can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all
colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly,
walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a
woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They
bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to
their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you
to do the same to people you come in contact with.
>
> MEN
>
> Men are good at lifting heavy stuff, killing spiders and wanking.
>
 

Fastshow

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manspeak...

“I’M GOING FISHING”
Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

IT’S A GUY THING”
Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance
at all of making it logical”.


“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR...”
Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.


“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD”.
Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”


“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”


“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES”.
Means: “The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe.”


“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit that I’m hurt.”


“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING”.
Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty darn soon.”


“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”


“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”


“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Means: “Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving already.”


“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
Means: “I make the mess, she cleans it up.”

 

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truth....



Three leprechauns, Mick, Sean and Kevin, are sitting in the pub
getting quietly drunk when Mick shouts out, "Jaysus, I'm bored wid
bein'a fockin' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de
Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book"
"What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit. You've dun nuttin' to
get in de book for" says Sean. "Well, It's me hands, Sean". Mick,
waving them around, "I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm
gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous". The
other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on
drinking quite heartily.

A little while later Kevin pipes up, "Ya know Mick, if ye can get into
de Guinness Book of records for yer small hands, so can I". The other
two smirk at each other and Mick says, "How can ye have de smallest
hands in the world if I've got dem , ya bloody fool?" Kevin replies,
"It's not me hands,
Mick, it's me feet", and he takes off his boots to show them. "I tink
dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself
entered
into de Guinness Book of Records too". The other two agree that they are
quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Some time later Sean chimes in, "Well, if youse two can get into de
Guiness Book of Records, I can too". The others fall about laughing.
"What de fock
have you got dats so fockin' interesting?" cries Sean. "It's me dick,
Sean"
he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with
laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy. "Jaysus, ye've got the
best chance of us all, Sean", says Kevin "Dat's the smallest fockin'
dick I ever
saw" and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when out of the
corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office
down the street. "Jaysus", he says "I'm gonna go into dat office and
I'm gonna get me hands measured" and off he staggers. Ten minutes
later he comes out with a big smile on his face waving his hands in
the air. "I did it. I did it", he says
"I'm in de Guiness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world.
Nobody's got smaller hands dan me", he says and with that he pushes
Kevin forward. "Go on ye eejit. See if ye ave de smallest feet in de
world.
Go on". "Fock it. I will" says Kevin and off he staggers. Ten minutes
later,he to comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet
in the air. "Jaysus, I'm famous", he says. "I've got de smallest feet
in de
world.
I'm famous. I'm famous".

With that Sean staggers to the office door. "I'm gonna get me dick
measured" he says," I won't be long". The other two are waiting
anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by. Ten minutes turns
into twenty and twenty into thirty. No sign of Sean. Forty minutes go
by and the office door opens. Sean
slouches out looking disconsolate,





"Who the fockin' hell is Sensei Hanson?????"
 

Regs

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Very considerate

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking
Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."
 

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Supposedly from the Queen Mum's condolences books.... (R.I.P)

>"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder.' That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening."
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­-
"She was a marvellous woman, and a wonderful lover".
L. J. Worthington, Penrith.
­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­-
"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".
S. Wilson, Bristol.
> >­­­­­­­­­­­­-
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual."
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
 

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Costanza's Commandments........

George Costanza:
10 commandments for ‘working hard’:

1. Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.)
and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. Have 2 Jackets

If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere!
 

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^



A study at Latrobe University showed that the kind of male face that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating, she is more prone to prefer a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
 

SC

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FYI, in response

If you can actually get close to a woman during her menstrual cycle, sex is great for the relief of cramps.

+SCwhodoesnotsufferfromcramps:eek:
 

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