Euro 2004

[Fastshow]

Fasty,

You're going to love this.....just tuned in to the Portugal v Greece opening game. Picture it...the TSN studios:

"Hi this is Dave Randorf and welcome to TSN's Euro 2004 coverage"...LOL...."with me are Carl Fletcher and Dick Howard"

Oh dear!

Daz

Yes, I loved that.

I have no idea who Carl Fletcher is and even less inclination to find out.

At least they're Premium Members.

 

[dazza]

Quote:

"I have no idea who Carl Fletcher is and even less inclination to find out."

That's exactly my point numbnuts

Daz

 

[Fastshow]

Well that makes a change.

Your first post in which you actually have a point. Bravo.



A guide for HoS for when he recovers from his Fabien Barthez love affair. Sorry for not having posted this BBC Sport article sooner, it might have saved you some embarrassment........

How to be a football faker
You don't like it. In fact, you can barely understand it. But one thing's for sure - over the next few Euro 2004 drenched weeks, you're not going to able to get away from it.

Everyone's going to be talking football and unless you can opine a little about players, teams and tactics, you could find yourself embarrassed and excluded until the closing ceremony on 4 July.

This guide has been compiled to help you confidently watch games with friends and join in conversations about the tournament. Who knows, maybe you'll actually get into it.

If you're trapped at home or in a bar and forced to watch a game, it's helpful to have a stock of sayings to shout at the TV so you fit in.

For example:

"oooooooh" - whenever a shot is taken at the goal, no matter how close. (If especially close, a short round of clapping is permissible)

"Referee!" - if your players are fouled

[silence] - if your players foul the other team's

"PENALTY!" - if one of your players falls anywhere near the opponents' goal

"Go on, son" - when one of your players is heading goal-wards with the ball

"Unlucky" - when said player is effortlessly dispossessed by a £14m defender









Note: calls of "offside!" are probably best avoided. Even the best linesmen standing there on the pitch rarely get this unfathomable rule right.

Certain phrases are verboten. Nothing will reveal your lack of football knowledge more than an ill-conceived comment. Avoid the following:

"6-nil? All to play for then?"

"Which ones are England?"

"Wow - did you see how far he kicked that?"

"He's picked it up! He's throwing it! I thought you couldn't do that?"

Replace said utterances with generalised, chin-stroking observations such as:

"Hmmmm, they're playing a little deep."

"They should push up more."

"They should bring on a holding midfielder."

"They need to get the ball into channels."

A few of these confidently delivered during the game should disguise your ignorance.

APPROPRIATE REACTIONS

It's important that you react in the right way at the right time. When your team score, jubilation, shouting, jumping and hugging are expected. This is also the only time when spilling your drink on another man is forgivable.

If the other team scores, however, a frozen look of shock, followed by a shake of the head and close examination of the bottom of the pint glass is appropriate. Try to avoid eye contact.

If your team loses, rock back and forth in the foetal position until the bar staff say it's time to leave.

POST-MORTEM

Games can often be the subject of conversation for hours, days, weeks afterwards. This is when you could be most exposed.



If asked for your opinion on a result, stick to short summaries like "Great game" and "Yeah fantastic" or "Terrible"/"Disaster". Always check the score the morning after a game to ensure you deliver a suitable reply. Try to avoid sentences which begin: "I loved the bit when..."

A way out is to say "Sorry I missed the game" followed by an excuse of sufficient magnitude. "My wife gave birth" or "An airplane crashed into my house". If really pressed, never say you actually don't like football and never watch it. Stay calm and simply concede: "I don't have the football gene." Or "I'm more of a tennis person". "I support Scotland" is always an excuse that elicits sympathy.

GENERAL PUNDITRY

Thankfully, some generalisations can be deployed to keep your end up in a Euro 2004 conversation. The Spanish, for example, tend to under-perform in major tournaments (as do England). Italy are "good at the back" (ie they have an excellent defence). The Dutch are a "tempestuous" side. And, of course, the Germans are "well organised".





Try not to be drawn into any discussion about who's going to win the tournament. Stick to the major nations and be non-committal and diplomatic. England have "a chance". Spain, Italy and Holland are all "safe bets". France is a "favourite". Completely avoid speculation about "dark horse" countries like Croatia and Latvia. You could end up in deep water if asked to elaborate.

If you find yourself pinned down, a wishy-washy caveat should get you unstuck. Something like: "Well, it is the European Championship. Anything can happen."

Remember: optimism is the prevailing outlook during any tournament. Phrases like "early days", "all to play for", "still a chance", and "it's not over yet" should be repeated mantra-like, if you have nothing else to say.

If you're feeling lucky, it may also be prudent to memorise some expert-level facts on the intricacies of the Latvian league or Zlatan Ibrahimovic's (that's ibra-HEEmovitch) scoring record. Don't worry if you know nothing about these things. No one does.

DISCUSSION OF INDIVIDUAL PLAYERS

In conversation, it helps to have adjectives to describe certain players. These should convey insight alongside a certain warrior grace. For England players, for example, Owen is "pacey", Dyer "versatile", and Rooney "fiery". Try to avoid inappropriate, non-footballing terms. Describing Owen as "cute" or Beckham as "lovely" may be frowned upon.

Mocking players is okay in moderation - every armchair pundit has a player they hate. Watch out though. Some are fair game; others sacrosanct. For England, for example, Beckham is untouchable, even if he gets a red card, concedes a penalty, and scores two own goals. If in doubt, stick to Neville.

And remember, at the end of the day, Euro 2004 is only on for three weeks - Big Brother lasts for 10.

 

[Bronco]

Van Nistelrooy speaks: What say you KNOBBY




Germans angry at Dutch talk of WWII


BERLIN, June 14 (Reuters) - A German newspaper columnist led the attack against Dutch striker Ruud van Nistelrooy on Monday for stirring up the ghosts of World War Two before their Euro 2004 clash on Tuesday.


Bild columnist Franz Josef Wagner criticised van Nistelrooy for mentioning the war as the reason why the Netherlands would be motivated to beat Germany on Tuesday, and was joined by ordinary Germans stung by the Manchester United striker's comments.

'It is truly sad what you've said,' wrote Wagner, whose page two column has 12 million readers. 'We just had D-Day together. Your queen celebrated with our chancellor the liberation of Europe from the Nazi dictatorship. What you said is pitiful.'


Van Nistelrooy was quoted saying emotions for the match would be especially high because of World War Two. His comments struck a nerve in Germany, eager to put its Nazi past behind it.


'This is not just about football history, it is about real history and what went on 60 years ago,' he said. Germany occupied the Netherlands for five years.


Although political, cultural and trade relations between Germany and the Netherlands have long since normalised, lingering tensions over the war as well as memories of numerous bitter football matches since then have been kept alive.


Many Germans said they were astonished that Van Nistelrooy had invoked World War Two before the match.


'He's a complete idiot,' said Niko Bogdan, 32, an office worker in Berlin. 'But I fear Holland's going to win anyhow.'


Dieter Furhmann, 67, said the comparison was out of line.


'What a moron,' the pensioner said. 'You can't take football that serious. It's just a game.'


Anna Podbielski, 39, an office clerk, said: 'War has nothing to do with a soccer match. I think it's pretty unprofessional of him to bring up the war before a soccer match. What a fool.'


'Here are 74 reasons why we'll beat Holland,' wrote Berlin's B.Z. tabloid, picking '74' as a reminder to Dutch fans of the 1974 World Cup final when West Germany beat the Netherlands.


Among the more pointed barbs were 'because the holes in your cheese are bigger than the holes in your defence', 'your orange uniforms cause blindness', 'your coffee shops have a strange odour', 'you snatch all our deck chairs at holiday resorts', and 'in Berlin only the garbage men wear such bright orange dress.'


Germany's ZDF broadcasting network aired a song written especially for the match.


'There's one thing that makes me a mega nationalist -- when it comes to football, I hate Holland like the plague,' sang Goetz Widmann. 'There's nothing worse than losing to Holland.'


German media have also duly taken note of Dutch German-bashing such as anti-German Internet games, waterproof pictures of German coach Rudi Voeller installed in Dutch toilets and voodoo dolls wearing Germany uniforms.


They have also reprinted photos of a Dutch player pretending to wipe his rear with a West Germany jersey after the Netherlands beat Germany at the 1988 European Championship and of a Dutch defender spitting at Germany striker Rudi Voeller at the 1990 World Cup.

 

[Fastshow]

Funny cnuts aren't they, Germans?


''Your coffee shops have a strange odour.'


Genius.

 

[Ballbaby]

Germans vs Dutch? Two very interesting peoples. Yes, two very interesting peoples.

 

[Captain Shamrock]

Yes, funny indeed. However,I'm worried that Rude Van Arselroy has just cost me 432 tokens. If that happens, then his comments were out of order. If Holland wins then his comments were very accurate, at least historically.


Come on you Orange bastards.

 

[filling the net]

Another strong showing by Italy today.....I think I must of heard totti's name called 478 times by the announcer.....Man does Italy look bad...


LETS GO FRANCE!