Ethnic but tasteful

Ballbaby

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"Three Pints"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drink the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."
 

SC

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tasteful? not sure about these ones?

Everyone knows the "I am Canadian" commercial...
I AM ITALIAN
Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.
I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

SC

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this one deserves a "Yellow"

I AM PAKISTANI
Allo,
I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,
Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.
I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.
A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!
Pakistan IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!
 

SC

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sketchy...

I AM CHINESE!
Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,
Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa
China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:confused:
 

SC

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I apologize to my "American Cousins" for this one

I AM AMERICAN
Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.
I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!
:eek:
 

Mr Coppertone

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This is good and true

DATING DIFFERENT WOMEN
CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost
getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
 

SC

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Interesting combo for SC

Originally posted by Mr Coppertone
DATING DIFFERENT WOMEN
CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
I'm going straight home to hide from ALL you men!:eek: "I'm confused Mommy"...:confused:

+SCisacombo
 

SC

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for 5Bigones and Max Blink

Subject: Ah trini ting
Jonsey buy a donkey from Ramsingh, a old farmer pardner, for $300. Ramsingh agree to deliver the donkey the next day. Next day, Ramsingh drive up and said, "Sorry Jonsey, but I have some bad news. The donkey dead."
"Well gie me back meh money," said Jonsey. "Worse news boy, I went and spen it already." "OK, then. Just unload the donkey." "Wha yuh go wid him?" asked Ramsingh.
"You doh worry, I go raffle him." "You cyar raffle a dead donkey. Yuh mad or what!" "Who say so....you makin joke. Watch me. I ent tellin nobody he dead," said Jonsey.
A month later Ramsingh bounce up Jonsey in the market. "Jonsey, wha happen with yuh dead donkey boy?" Jonsey replied, "Ah raffle him off nuh. Ah sell 500 hundred tickets at 5 dollars and ah rake in $2,500.00" "Nobody eh make noise?"
"Only de fella who win. So ah gie him back he five dollars!" :eek:
 

Fastshow

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...................

SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A COKCNEY BASTARD
> > >
> > > 1. You say 'mate' constantly.
> > >
> > > 2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3.00 for a pint.
> > >
> > > 3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'.
> > >
> > > 4. Anyone from outside London and north of Watford is a 'Northern
> > Wanker'.
> > >
> > > 5. You have no idea where the North is.
> > >
> > > 6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get
> > excited
> > > about it.
> > >
> > > 7. The countryside makes you nervous.
> > >
> > > 8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they
> > are
> > > astalker.
> > >
> > > 9. American tourists no longer annoy you.
> > >
> > > 10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other
> > > day".
> > >
> > > 11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car.
> > >
> > > 12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A MANCHESTER TOSSER
> > >
> > > 1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer
> > it',
> > > "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.
> > >
> > > 2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.
> > >
> > > 3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.
> > >
> > > 4. You support Man City out of principle.
> > >
> > > 5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of
> it.
> >
> > >
> > > 6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick
> > your
> > > head in at a footie match.
> > >
> > > 7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'
> > >
> > > 8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the
> > > shopping in yet another torrential downpour.
> > >
> > > 9. You won't pay more than 1.50 for a wrap of skag
> > >
> > > 10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A SCOUSE GIT
> > >
> > > 1. You have an urge to steal.
> > >
> > > 2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.
> > >
> > > 3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.
> > >
> > > 4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.
> > >
> > > 5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
> > >
> > > 6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.
> > >
> > > 7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
> > >
> > > 8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any
> > more.
> > >
> > > 9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras
> > >
> > > 10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
> > >
> > > 1. You say 'pish' all the time.
> > >
> > > 2. You say 'aye' all the time.
> > >
> > > 3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's
> > pish'.
> > >
> > > 4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of
> pish
> >
> > > like'.
> > >
> > > 5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.
> > >
> > > 6. You punch everybody you meet.
> > >
> > > 7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
> > >
> > > 8. You are incomprehensible.
> > >
> > > 9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.
> > >
> > > 10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words
> > 'Edinburgh'
> > > or 'England'.
> > >
> > > 11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you
> have
> >
> > > consumed since birth.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG
> > >
> > > 1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.
> > >
> > > 2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.
> > >
> > > 3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.
> > >
> > > 4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks
> > good.
> > >
> > > 5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.
> > >
> > > 6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.
> > >
> > > 7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.
> > >
> > > 8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
> > >
> > > 9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing
> of
> >
> > it.
> > >
> > > 10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread
> > or
> > > potatoes
> > >
> > > 11. You say "Your man" all the time.
> > >
> > > 12. You say "Your woman" all the time.
> > >
> > > 13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.
> > >
> > > 14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners
> cooked
> >
> > for
> > > you by someone's mammy - at 30.
> > >
> > > 15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG
> > >
> > > 1. You are still there.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN ABERDEEN TOO LONG
> > >
> > > 1. All women, no matter how ugly, look attractive. So do sheepskin
> > rugs...
> > >
> > > 2. Every heterosexual bloke is obviously a poof
> > >
> > > 3. You wear your dull winter clothes all year round
> > >
> > > 4. When you say "Fit" your either talking about your foot or asking
> > "what?"
> > >
> > > 5. You have a new disease called "Chilli, Chips and Cheese Syndrome"
> > >
> > > 6. You glare aggressively at everyone on the street
> > >
> > > 7. You own a Subaru Imprezza
> > >
> > > 8. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing any word from the
> > > Oxford English Dictionary - emphasis on "English"
> > >
> > > 9. The world outside Aberdeen simply doesn't exist
> > >
> > > 10. A good night out is getting drunk with hundreds of blokes, having a
> > fist
> > > fight with an ugly woman then snaffling a dodgy kebab on the
 

Demolition

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Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the
ocean.

The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna
wear me some hot pink underwear before I get on that plane."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "cuz, if dat plane is gonna crash and I'm out there
layin' butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna see my butt."

The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some
fluorescent orange underwear."

"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "cuz if dis here plane is gonna crash
and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, dey gonna see my butt"!!

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any underwear."
"What? No underwear?!" the others said in disbelief.

"Dat's right, you heard me - I'm not wearing any underwear," the third
lady said, "cuz if dis plane crashes, dey always look fo dat black box
first-!!!
 

Fastshow

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stop, my sides.....

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue
> needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and
> Murphy
> (also Irishmen), were sent for.
>
> Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said
> "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him
> over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
>
> The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Murphy
> in
> to identify the body. Murphy took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt
> real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Murphy looked
> down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
>
> The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
>
> Murphy said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
> "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
>
> "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
> folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes"
 

Fastshow

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....

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
> > something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing. She says
> > to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, but why das one of
> > your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
> >
> > So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies,
> > "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight
> > foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
> > "Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got
> > C&A on them."



NB: C&A is a UK shop similar to Eaton's or The Bay. Now you can laugh.
 

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