Did I say that outloud?

[mexi]

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???" This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

 

[peter]

How To Speak About Women
And Be Politically Correct:

-She is not a BABE or a CHICK -
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

-She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER -
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

-She is not EASY -
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

-She does not TEASE or FLIRT -
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB -
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

-She has not BEEN AROUND -
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

-She does not GET YOU EXCITED -
She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

-She is not KINKY -
She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

-She does not have a KILLER BODY -
She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

- She is not an AIRHEAD -
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

-She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY -
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

-She is not HORNY -
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS -
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

-She does not NAG YOU -
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

-She is not a SLUT -
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

-She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

-She is not a TWO BIT WHORE -
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

-She is not a NEKKID BABE -
She is CYBERLY ATTRACTIVE.

 

[Regs]

whoops

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.

The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it.

He turned to her. . . .they kissed . . . and they ripped each
other's clothes off and made passionate love.

After an intense night of passion, as they were lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: "Well, how was it?"

"Well," the woman says, "You can choose a prize from the bottom
shelf."

 

[Regs]

An idea for Tee now

Vaseline Survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

 

[Fastshow]

..........

50 things that women can't do
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 1 Know anything about a car, other than it's colour
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 2 Understand a film plot
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 3 Go 24 hours without sending a text message
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 4 Get in a round
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 5 Throw a punch
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 6 Do magic
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 7 Like your friends
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 8 Build a shed
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 9 Throw
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 10 Run
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 11 Park
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 12 Fart
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 13 Read a Map
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 14 Rob a Bank
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 15 Resist Ikea
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 16 Sit still
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 17 Tell a joke
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 18 Play Pool
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 19 Pay for Dinner
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 20 Eat a kebab while walking
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 21 Pee out of a train window
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 22 Argue without shouting
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 23 Understand Fruit Machines
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 24 Get told off without crying
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 25 Walk past a shoe shop
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 26 Make a decent bacon sandwich
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 27 Not comment on a stranger's clothes
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 28 Use small amounts of toilet paper
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 29 Let you sleep off a hangover
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 30 Drink a pint gracefully
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 31 Enjoy porn
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 32 Eat a phal curry
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 33 get to the point
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 34 Buy plain envelopes
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 35 Take less than 20 mins in the toilet
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 36 Sit in a room for 5 mins without saying "i'm cold"
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 37 Go shopping without telephoning all their mates
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 38 Avoid credit card debt
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 39 Pee into a swimming pool
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 40 Assemble furniture
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 41 Form a rock group
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 42 Set a video recorder
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 43 Not try to change you.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 44 Watch a war film
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 45 Understand why flirting results in violence
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 46 Spend a day by themselves
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 47 Go to the toilet by themselves
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 48 Buy a purse that fits their pocket
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 49 Choose a video quickly
> > > > > >
> > > > > > 50 Be brief

 

[peter]

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

"Where's the pissing, motherfcuking manager, you c%$ksucking arsewipe?"‚ he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken-fcuking manager of this bastard place?"

"Yes sir, I am." replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant."

"Fcuk off!"‚ replies the bloke "and where's the fcuking piano?"

"Pardon?"‚ says the manager.

"Fcuking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shite, show me your cnuting piano!"

"Ah," replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job." and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fcuking can." and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb! What's it called?"

"I tried to shag yer missus on the beach but the sand kept chafing my dick," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer."

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, "And what‚s this called?" asks the manager.

"As I shag you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece." replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't announce the title of any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra and the skimpy little g-string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her womanhood. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scuttles off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. "Where's the pianist?" He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The woman steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it? I fcuking wrote it!"

 

[Fastshow]

true...........

Good to see Peter Beardsley doing a spot of modelling...........