America

[mexi]

LET'S SEE IF I UNDERSTAND HOW AMERICA WORKS

LATELY...

IF A WOMAN BURNS HER THIGHS ON THE HOT COFFEE SHE
WAS HOLDING IN HER LAP WHILE DRIVING, SHE BLAMES THE
RESTAURANT.

IF YOUR TEEN-AGE SON KILLS HIMSELF, YOU BLAME THE
ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC OR MUSICIAN HE LIKED.

IF YOU SMOKE THREE PACKS A DAY FOR 40 YEARS AND DIE
OF LUNG CANCER, YOUR FAMILY BLAMES THE TOBACCO
COMPANY.

IF YOUR DAUGHTER GETS PREGNANT BY THE FOOTBALL
CAPTAIN YOU BLAME THE SCHOOL FOR POOR SEX EDUCATION.

IF YOUR NEIGHBOR CRASHES INTO A TREE WHILE DRIVING
HOME DRUNK, YOU BLAME THE BARTENDER.

IF YOUR COUSIN GETS AIDS BECAUSE THE NEEDLE HE USED
TO SHOOT UP WITH HEROIN WAS DIRTY, YOU BLAME THE
GOVERNMENT FOR NOT PROVIDING CLEAN ONES.

IF YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE BRATS WITHOUT MANNERS, YOU
BLAME TELEVISION.

IF YOUR FRIEND IS SHOT BY A DERANGED MADMAN, YOU
BLAME THE GUN MANUFACTURER.

AND IF A CRAZED PERSON BREAKS INTO THE ****PIT AND
TRIES TO KILL THE PILOTS AT 35,000 FEET, AND THE
PASSENGERS KILL HIM INSTEAD, THE MOTHER OF THE
DECEASED BLAMES THE AIRLINE.

I MUST HAVE LIVED TOO LONG TO UNDERSTAND THE WORLD
AS IT IS ANYMORE. SO, IF I DIE WHILE MY OLD,
WRINKLED ASS IS PARKED IN FRONT OF THIS COMPUTER, I
WANT YOU TO BLAME BILL GATES, OK?

 

[Keeper]

 

[Demolition]

A first grade teacher in New York explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."